A Chick Who’s Taller than You
While I personally like taller chicks, I never thought this was ever going to happen either. I never really knew if I was for or against the idea, it’s just that… well I’m 6’2”. Not that you should have to use a stepstool to make out with her, but it’s like chicks always say “a few extra inches won’t hurt.”
Bro tip: Avoid the topic of spooning at all costs.
That One Girl from High School You Never Talked To
It’s not that you know her, but you know of her. She was a friend of a friend of a friend, maybe she sat just a little too far away in your English class, random friend on Facebook, in any case, you never really had a chance to talk to her. But then you ran into her at a party with a little booze in your blood and just recognizing each other’s faces was the perfect icebreaker—or maybe one of her friends was like “you guys know each other??? You should make out”
Bro tip: Honestly, it’s really hard to fuck this one up. So don’t.
A Professor or TA
Not that this actually happened or anything because I’m sworn to secrecy, but in the famous words of OJ Simpson, “If I did it” I definitely went—I mean would have gone to a classy restaurant and discussed the literary significance of sexual tension in the 21st century, then gone to a bar where I may (or may not) have done some body shots off of her with her twin sister (also an academic) and then finished the night off in her office to see how I fuck…ed up my essay!!!
Bro tip: Don’t be that guy and ask her out in front of the whole class. Find her number on the syllabus and send her your most intriguing drunk text inviting her to the bars.
The One You Lost Your Virginity to in High School
Nobody gets it right his first try, but nobody wants to be remembered as the guy who only lasted uh… doesn’t matter anymore, because now that you’ve had some real playing time at the college level, you’re ready to come off the bench and show her how much you’ve improved. It’s time to redeem yourself—or show her you’re the rookie of the year.
Bro tip: have some buddies hide in the closet and whisper “Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!”
That One Girl at the Party Who
Kept trying to do keg stands after we ran out of beer? You know, the one who kept taking selfies in front of the bar? Kept saying “swag”? The one that was grinding on you so much that you didn’t have to worry about the fact that you forgot to shave before the party? Dude, nobody’s ever seen her in class or around campus. Those are all pretty good signs that she’s still in High school. It’s a good thing we pulled you out of that bathroom when we did. You can thank us later. Or be the designated driver for like, the rest of the semester. Yeah even on your 21st birthday! Pussyyyyyy.
Bro tip: Why would you ask someone to see ID? She probably has a fake anyway. Also, that’s just fucking weird.
The Shy Girl Who Reveals Her True Identity
She’s cute, she’s nice, but you never could see yourself getting with this girl because you are a gentleman and you want to treat her like the delicate little flower that she really is, right? But one night out of nowhere she says she wants to go back up to your place, you can’t turn this sweetheart down so you start lighting some candles and looking for a really romantic song and she starts dumping the wax on her back and asks you why you why you haven’t tied her up yet.
Bro tip: Keep her hands tied tight or you might get a back door slip, unless you’re into that sort of thing. To be honest though, her timing was perfect—so I’ve heard.
Your Best Friend’s Sister
Dick move? Absolutely. But let’s face it, this is the best way to teach your buddy not to come blasting into your room with a camera and bullhorn ever again.
Bro tip: Obviously don’t be a second time offender unless you’re going to marry her.
–Jason Hewett is a partying major who Englishes pretty hard at the University of Delaware. He also does writing and standup comedy. Say hi on facebook or throw some words at firstname.lastname@example.org