It’s weird to say, but your flights are the most important part of any vacation. Maybe not the most memorable, but they do get the job done and do get you from Point A to Point B 99% of the time. Every year thousands of students take these flights to a little place I like to call Punany Pounding Paradise also known as "Spring Break."
During this time of year it’s inevitable not to look back on my first Spring Break trip to Cancun. On both flights to and from Mexico, while the tone of both were radically different, I also happened to notice a strange number of similarities. Can you believe that??? Just kidding, but seriously some of this shit you will probably notice yourself:
The Importance of What You Packed
In no way is this about the actual clothes you packed in your suitcase, rather these are the most important things you will use throughout your trip. Whether it’s some Mary Jane or other modern-day mind-altering drugs or your favorite sunglasses or a case of Durex’s finest latex; on the flight down to paradise you will think about and make sure all of these Spring Break essentials are well packed in your suitcase. When it comes to your returning flight home, you’re not going to give a shit what you packed as long as your ass is on the airplane. It’s not until you get home and unpack until you really question what the fuck happened on your trip…
Top 5 things you will find when you open your suitcase after Spring Break:
- A big green cup from Senor Frogs.
- Cuban cigars.
- The thing you bought because someone convinced you to buy it when you were drunk. My example: A sombrero and a Mexican puppet.
- More modern-day mind-altering drugs…from another country.
- Shit-stained, jizz-stained or puke stained (if not all three) underwear.
The Person Who Hates Bros
This passenger hates you, your friends and Bros in general. This is because your Spring Break trip (unlike theirs) is already panning out to be the best time of your life. They will hate your music because it is too loud for their old ears to handle. They will hate how obnoxious you are because it’s 7am and you’ve already downed your third bloody mary. They will hate that someone wanted to make another Harlem Shake video on the plane, and most importantly they will hate you because you will constantly be talking about all the bars and girls you are planning to run through when you get to your destination.
That person will hate you even more if they’re on your returning flight home. On the flight home, it’s very common for a Bro to boast about the amazing time they just had and holding that shit in just doesn’t seem natural. It is now your job to once again piss off “the hater” by frequently screaming “SPRING BREAK WAS A SUCCESS MOTHER FUCKERS!”
The Person “In Charge”
This is a shout out to the girl who set up the entire trip. We shall call this person Mrs. Itinerary. The best way to describe Mrs. Itinerary is a person whose parents paid for their entire trip because their mother got a sweet discount from a travel agent she used to blow back in college. She felt obligated to invite you because she’s hooking up with one of your friends and knew that he wouldn’t go unless you and his friends were invited. She thought this would be a romantic gesture, but doesn’t realize that your friend who she’s hooking up with will dive into almost any type of vagina as soon as you all land in paradise. Aside from having OCD and being a crazy bitch, they also feel the need to be the parent in every situation.
While on both flights to and from Spring Break their top three priorities include:
- Making sure everyone has their boarding passes.
- Making sure ‘the group’ stays together at all times.
- Making sure no one offends the flight attendants.
Just because they set up the vacation does not mean it’s their vacation so by no means are they going toget in the way of your Spring-Break-BroLife-Domination. Annoying and fucking with this girl on both flights is important for two reasons: One, they can’t do anything but continue to hate their life, cry or complain which will make all other passengers hate them. Two, the arriving and departing flights will set the tone for their lack of communication with you during and after Spring Break.
Here are your top three priorities when dealing with Miss Itinerary:
- Pretending she didn’t give you your boarding pass.
- Making sure ‘the group’ never stays together. This includes your Bro who used to hook up with her.
- Continue to be as loud, obnoxious and offensive to everyone including the flight attendants during your travels.
I swear it’s funnier than it is being a dick.
The Serious DIFTS Talk
This always takes place with your go-to Bro on both arriving and departing flights. If you don’t know by now DIFTS or Doing It For The Story is a big part of our lives. You might not always want to bang that heffer behind the bookshelves in the library BUT you did it for the story and that’s all that matters. The DIFTS talk will occur when your other friends are either sleeping, on a intense Tinder session or taking a dookie on the plane. It is when two topics are discussed including: Pre Spring Break Craziness (which occurs on the flight down), and Post Spring Break Craziness (which occurs on the flight home.)
Pre Spring Break Craziness:
- You: “Bro, seriously how many girls do you think we’ll bang?”
- Go-To Bro: “Realistically 5 or 6 but I’m def down to Eiffel Tower at least one!”
Post Spring Break Craziness:
- Go-To Bro: “We shouldn’t have Eiffel Towered that chick but FUCK IT! Right??
- You: “DIFTS Bro, DIFTS…but I’m def getting checked out when we get back…”
Mile High Club Prospects
After the DIFTS talk it’s impossible not to have hot college girls in bikinis on your mind. You will start looking around and going over each group of girls that entered the plane with you. Look for college shirts and remember: The bigger the school the easier they are to bang. It’s simple science. You will only get hornier and hornier as your mind starts to wonder if you can actually join the Mile High club. I am not in this club (although it is on my bucket list) but I agree with what one of my Bros once told me, “You think about it more on the flight down to Spring Break, but you have a better chance at joining the club on your returning flight hoe. If you’re lucky, a girl that you smashed one night on the beach will be on your flight and the rest is history.” Okay, that’s like hitting the winning homerun in the bottom of the 9th, with two outs type of shit but hey anything is possible.
Miss Innocent vs. Miss Ashamed
A classic case of how a girl got her Spring Break cherry popped. She had a boyfriend all through high school and throughout her first two years of college BUT guess what? They broke up a month before she left for Spring Break and Mrs. Itinerary talked her into coming not only because they best friends but she was promised a nice relaxing getaway that was, “Long overdue girl!”
*Side Note – On the flight down, Miss Innocent’s top played song was “I knew you were trouble” by Taylor Swift.
It took Miss Innocent a couple days and a few tequila sunrises under the Caribbean sun for her to break out of her shell but when she did she made it count. She’s on the rebound and you’re Kobe Bryant (who recently got his legs back) and it’s time to start dunking that shit. After a long, probably regrettable week of meeting Bros like you and me, Miss Innocent has now turned into Miss Ashamed. On the flight home she will tell Mrs. Itinerary that she hates the fact that she did this to the man she loved, “Only a month ago!” But, she secretly loved every minute she was drunk and slutting around during the seven days she was on Spring Break.
*Side Note – On the flight home, Miss Ashamed started listening to this:
Jimmy J – The Bro who got arrested on the last night of his Spring Break trip and had to get driven to the airport by a Cancun police officer the next day in order to catch his flight home.
Hot Flight Attendant via Shutterstock