Remember the first time you met your landlord? I’m sure he seemed like a real cool guy who said he would come by for a few beers and kick it with you and your roommates. Well, that never happens and what starts out as an awesome beginning to life in an off-campus house can quickly turn to hell once the mid-semester, ‘not giving a shit about your house’ stage, kicks in. Once your landlord realizes that your house is breaking every rule on its lease, not only will you get called out on it but get ready to start dealing with the world’s biggest asshole.
I’ve determined that most of a landlord’s hate comes from jealousy. That’s right, they are jealous human beings who feel the need to ruin college life domination and all of the fun that comes with living in your own house. Just because they can’t go back to the glory days and relive college doesn’t mean they have the right to TRY and shit on the way bros live.
Here are the top 6 reasons why your landlord hates you:
1. Unwanted College Party Favors
Conveniently, landlords always find a way to drop in the day after you decide to throw a party. They will come across empty kegs, beer cans and liquor bottles along with a few random bodies (possibly naked) on the couch and floor. They will also smell a nice piss/puke combo along with the dip spit and sex. One of the best conversations you will have with your landlord is when you try to explain how the bong that’s sitting on your living room table is for tobacco use only.
2. Complaining Neighbors and Law Enforcement
The only difference between your neighbors and your landlord is that you will learn to hate your neighbors a little more. They are equivalent to dealing with RA’s and security guards freshman year and they will not hesitate to call the cops when they see someone taking piss on their front lawn. Why someone would chose to raise a family in a college town requires too much thinking right now. Thanks to them all the local cops know you and your roommates on a first name basis. Somehow your landlord always finds out about the cops coming to your house so prepare yourself for a lot of lectures on how to respect your neighbors.
3. Underground Roommates
The friends that are always over when your landlord comes to pick up the rent money are always the main suspects for being underground roommates. If your landlord finds out that more people are living at the house other than the guys who are on the lease he will hate you even more. Apparently there’s always a rule on how many people can cram in a house together but when you’re in college – the more the merrier! Underground roommates are good people because they will always pay their rent with food or beer.
4. Unnecessary (but always an awesome idea at the time) Remodeling
It’s safe to say that college students do the most thinking when they’re out of the classroom. Mid-week boredom can quickly turn into late night drinking and house remodeling sessions. Whether it’s spray painting the walls or building a stripper pole in the living room you will get props for making your house that much cooler and this is now what your house is known for.
It’s impossible not to laugh when your landlord confronts you about genius ideas like this. By now you should have that one roommate all the guys in your house blame everything on – hopefully it’s not you.
5. Not Paying Rent On Time
From day one this is a landlord’s biggest concern. There’s a good chance they go on a gambling binge the first week of each month so they will bite your ear off when it comes to making sure your house is consistent with paying rent each month. This is the reason for most in-house visits which lead to arguments and eviction threats. Always tell them things like, “I promise I will pay you ASAP” just to get them out of the house so everyone can start binge drinking in honor of your landlord.
6. Overall Destruction
This is an addition to #1 on this list because most destruction happens during parties that are filled with kids killing their brain cells. Half of the destruction that your house will undergo will occur from random assholes, hazing pledges or the kid that’s taking horse tranquilizers. The other half comes from the daily ins and outs of not respecting where you live simply because your landlord is an asshole. Having the most destructive house at your school is something to take pride in. Destructive things that will always happen to a college house include: broken windows, doors, light bulbs, washer and dryers; clogged toilets, shower drains and sinks; as well as the ever most popular holes in the walls and over-flowing garbage cans that lead to unwanted critters. Never pay your last month's rent because there’s a good chance you’re not getting your security deposit back.
Having sex with your landlord’s wife
Over using things your landlord pays for (water, heat)
Having sex with your landlord’s ex-wife