College
by A-Mac on February 7, 2014

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I hate sounding like a whiny twentysomething cliché from Girls or Friends or any of that shit, but it genuinely sucks to think my college career will be finished in four swift months. Everything that happens from now to May is all part of the gradual process of being pushed out of the boat. There’s nothing left to do but force ourselves to either stay afloat and live a mundane existence, or sink and be worthless social parasites.

I don’t actually believe that—it’s all a part of the cliché. I’m actually kind of looking forward to enjoying the rest of my time as a senior. I prefer fun nostalgia over depressing nostalgia, and there’s so much funny shit to look back on when we were freshmen and college was not what it seemed.

Here are five facts we would have laughed at back when we were arrogant 18-year-old assholes who thought the world was our oyster:

Having Tons of Friends is Extremely Unnecessary

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Think back to the first week of our freshman dorm: everyone is banging on everyone’s doors in their school-colored outfits introducing themselves and becoming best friends in five minutes flat. The E.L.E. atmosphere is in full swing as everyone exchanges phone numbers, discusses where they’re from, and talks about where the pregame is that night. We all don’t know each other, but it’s #college so we don’t care what the hell is going on.

Luckily we actually open our eyes after a couple of years and realize we loathe many of those kids. Ten of them become fratstars/sorostitutes, five of them are kicked out, and four are simply never seen again. By the time we get to senior year, we have that initial list boiled down to about a dozen people we’d take a bullet for. You know, those humans who aren’t completely repulsed by you and actually see yourself being friends with for a long time after school. They might even like you enough to hang out with you sober, which leads to my next point…

Going Out Every Night is Overrated

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Sometimes we like to think that our freshman selves were our best selves. We had a shit ton of money saved up from their summer jobs, a childlike sense of wonder, and intro-level courses we could easily blow off. Not to mention we had a liver devoid of battle wounds, so a healthy stamina came naturally.

As I said earlier, we were arrogant assholes. We used to believe that getting butt hammered every night was the only way to have authentic fun. Don’t twist my words around—it is definitely a great start before going to a party where everyone is either drenched in beer or sawing furniture in half. But sometimes it’s equally enjoyable to kick back with your roommates and pound a few while watching TV.

My roommates and I just started doing IPA nights when we each get a 6-pack of top-shelf barley pops and crush Netflix. We’re usually checked out by Tuesdays most weeks. Senioritis is real.

GPA is Not a Priority

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For those of us who didn’t lose control while adjusting to independence, we hit the ground running as freshmen. We bought books before classes started. We moved in equipped with Five Star notebooks and absurd varieties of highlighters and crayons, as if we actually anticipated midterms that consisted of nothing but coloring inside the lines. More importantly, we had a very solid work ethic—hardcore note taking, nerdy hand raising, and sitting anywhere but the back.

Three years later, all those redeeming qualities of a disciplined academic have evaporated. We draw cubes instead of take notes, check our phones instead of raise our hands, and sit in the darkest corner of the classroom. We do this for two interwoven reasons: (1) our work ethic is, like the snows of yesteryear, gone from this Earth, and (2) our GPAs will barely be affected at this point. Two semesters of wildly mediocre grades will have no noticeable influence on a cumulative eight-semester average. It. Does. Not. Matter.

Finding Ourselves is Not a Priority

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Many of us divide our lives into two parts: everything before high school graduation and everything after it. High school sucks because there are  more assholes there than in any other formal institution, so many of us take entering college as the prime opportunity to reinvent our image. Whether it’s changing our hairstyle or talking better, our freshman instinct is to improve upon our former self so as to open up many new opportunities.

Me? I’ve always been a perfect distillation of human evolution, so I had no need to reinvent myself before college. By the time we get to senior year, we all have enough friends and good experiences; therefore, we no longer need to dwell on our identities and how others see us. Our logic is that if we were able to make good friends and have fun then we’re probably adequate human beings.

Actually, Nothing is a Priority

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Let’s just enjoy not giving a shit about anything. Because we’re gonna have to give a shit about everything in four months.

A-Mac is a regular columnist for BroBible.

A-Mac

About A-Mac...

A-Mac is a regular columnist for BroBible. He is a disillusioned recipient of a journalism degree from the University of Maryland. During his free time, he indulges himself in navel lint collecting, Baltimore sports, self-loathing, and those questionable mini tacos from 711.