“Dude, no homo, but the Tundra is fucking beautiful during the earliest hours of day.”
That’s the sound your roommate makes when you guys stay in on Saturday nights to watch Wild Africa on the Discovery Channel. That sound is familiar to you because you guys have been staying in a lot lately. Makes sense. Just as the grizzly bear spends the winter months hibernating in its den patiently awaiting the onset of spring, so to the college male spends his winter nights in a dorm-room getting stoned and eating take-out wings. But hey there little grizzly bear, go on and wipe up the buffalo sauce from your furry chin and take a good look outside your window. Yep, that’s right! The sun in shining in the sky! The birds are tweeting in their trees! The freshmen girls are tweeting in accounting class! This, gentlemen, is springtime, and springtime in college means that you better be going out and partying all the goddamned time because the bear metaphor only works for winter hibernators, and do you know which animal hibernates in the springtime? The air breathing land snail (seriously, Google it.)
Now the greatest part of springtime is “The Day Party.” In the normal world a day party might be a sensible BBQ with your grandparents, or fat Tommy’s 6th birthday party in a local park, but in college, The Day Party is a blowout rager where everyone’s getting completely shitfaced at say, two in the afternoon. If in ten years from now you find yourself getting completely shitfaced at say, two in the afternoon, you are overdue for some serious life path reassessment because in the normal world that type of behavior makes you a degenerate fool. But college isn’t the normal world. College is the fucking Matrix.
So with that being said, spring has sprung young grizzly bear! Go-to and throw as many day parties as you can before you wake up and realize spring is over and college is done and now begins the long winter of job hunting and discontent and taxes and 401k’s and where the hell did all the chicks go? And of course, because even the bravest strongest grizzliest grizzly bear needs a little help catching a salmon from the crispy river every once in a while, here are “5 Rules For Throwing An Epic College Day Party.”
1. Have Chicks
There are parts of this country that used to be big thriving industrial centers but are now sad lonely towns that no one gives two shits about because all the industry picked up and moved to Asia (Springfield, MA, Schenectady, NY, all of Michigan.) What happened to these sad towns when the industry left is exactly what will happen to your day party the moments the chicks get bored and flock to somewhere better. In a word, your party will become Detroit. Furthermore, when all the chicks leave, the dudes get rowdy and become what dudes become when they’re drunk and there are no women around to calm them down and keep them civilized. Basically, Vikings. And so, like Vikings, everyone at your party will be shouting and wrestling and breaking your shit, and causing a fucking scene, and that’s the worst (it also sounds an awful lot like present day Detroit.) So, to prevent Vikings from overtaking your party, be sure to invite lots of chicks, and be sure to make them happy and keep them entertained.
2. Sunglasses are Ok
A few years ago, congress passed a law obligating you to slap the shit out of any dude you catch wearing sunglasses at a party. This law made sense to everyone because if you’re wearing sunglasses at a party you’re a fucking dickhead. But hold up, while yes, you have a legal obligation to slap the shit out of a dude wearing sunglasses at a normal night party, the law doesn’t cover day parties. So at day parties, a dude is allowed to wear sunglasses with impunity, and you, the citizen, are under no legal obligation to slap him. In fact, I’d recommend against it because with your legal obligations off the table, all you’d be really doing is causing an unnecessary ruckus. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, what about those silly shutter shade sunglasses? Good question. Those aren’t allowed. Ever. Not at days parties, or night parties, or alone in your dorm-room playing sodoku, or out at a fucking Mumford and Sons concert with your step-dad. Shutter shades are like shrimp for Jews, or pork for Muslims, or happiness for Episcopalians.
3. Have Space
This seems like a no brainer, but you’d be surprised how many foolish dudes forget their yard is the size of a fucking hopscotch court, and then go out and try to throw a good day party. The day party host is like a shepherd. In order for a shepherd to herd sheep, the most important thing he needs (other than sheep) is space to herd them. And so just like you can’t herd sheep in a barn, you can’t host a day party in a ratty off-campus apartment the size of a small dirt hole. A day party needs a yard. And that yard needs space so your guests can roam about in God’s great outdoors, and bask in the crisp shiny sun, and breath in the fresh air of spring, and take upside-down bong rips with a hippy dude who was born in Greenwich but smells like he might have been raised by a pack of wild dogs in Ghana.
4. Have Activities
It used to be all you needed for a good party was a black light, a sound system, and some blow (guys, I’m kidding.) But so far all your parties have been night parties. When it comes time to throw a day party you need to make sure your day party has chill-as-fuck activities because it’s not good enough to just get drunk and bask in the sunshine anymore, no, you also need something fun to do whilst drunk. So for example, if you go to a real bougie private school (say, USC or BU or an Ivy) you should buy tiki torches, blowup toys, and a bunch of sand to make for yourself and your party goers an impromptu beach where chicks can lounge about and tan, and dudes can play Frisbee or build sand castles or wear boat shoes and make fun of poor people or whatever-the-fuck people do at bougie private schools. Now, if you go to a state school where people don’t have their parent’s money to piss away on tiki torches and other nautical bullshit for their college day parties, take a bunch of old furniture out of your house and let everyone at your party mutilate the furniture with baseball bats. You can also set these things on fire.
5. Prepare for Cops
Cops are attracted to parties the same way raccoons are attracted to peanut butter (and remind me to tell you a funny story involving raccoons, peanut butter, and a Chinese Church group that happened to me once. Suffice it to say, Chinese Church groups don’t like raccoons.) Anyway, point is, just as raccoons will pounce on your church group if they smell peanut butter, so to cops wills pounce on your party if they smell fun, and if you’re following the rules thus far, believe me, they will smell fun. Now first and foremost, don’t get pissed at the cops. Cops are heroes. Granted, the cops in your college town are a step-below say, the NYPD in terms of hero-ness, but whatever, the point is still, don’t get too pissed at the cops because they are just doing their job, and furthermore they can beat the shit out of you if they feel you are being uncooperative (see: Rodney King.) So stay vigilant, make sure shit doesn’t get too out of hand, and don’t be an idiot. Also, no shutter shade sunglasses.
Alright, that’s it grizzly bear. Stay strong. Go hard. Be respectful to women. Stand with Boston.
day rager pic via shutterstock