It's no secret that hangovers are one of the defining aspects of the collegiate experience.
The law is simple. The harder it is to function the next day--and in turn, the more you get to complain--is directly proportional to how much you’re actually getting out of your four years at
school an arbitrary location in America filled with people whose primary interest is to one-up all of their high school friends.
In the spirit of moaning, groaning, and greasy onion rings galore, here's the five types of hangovers you'll get in college.
1. The 6AM Sledgehammer
This most often accompanies a blackout, and is a prime recipe for allowing you to strut around all day saying “what the f*ck happened last night?” While it’s highly likely that you simply passed out on a random couch with “Where Them Girls At” blasting in the background, its important to be aware that last night suddenly has a ton of potential.
This hangover, however, is far and away the most brutal. Water has never been more of a necessity, and you’ll feel like an entire pack of cigarettes was lit inside of your esophagus. Although your head will seemingly weigh more than the rest of your body, you will continue to not be a character on South Park.
2. The Joey Chestnut
Michael Phelps' breakfast is only an appetizer. If you live with those who experience Joey Chestnut hangovers, you’ll see some pretty amazing sh*t. When Joey comes to town, the entire carton of eggs is never out of the question. Neither is the pack of bacon. And neither is that entire 72 pack of Kraft singles**
**Actually, those Kraft singles might be safe.
3. The “I Didn’t Even Drink Last Night”
It was only three beers, but the next morning is the definition of what those sophomores obsessed with “Girls”--the ones who spend 14 hours a day wondering why they’re still single--refer to as “strugs.” In other news, everything in that last sentence is exactly why.
4. Mind Over Matter
At some point during your college career, you’ll realize that weeknight drinking has zero effect on your ability to get up for a 9am class the next day. But at some point during your senior year, you’ll realize that your drinking career has reached that oh-so scary running back past-his-prime moment. Last season may have yielded 27 rushing touchdowns, but your body is slowly beginning to betray you.
We’ve all had those Wednesday/Thursday morning classes that aren't so much a lecture as they're a lesson in figuring out what’s the best possible time to sprint to the bathroom. You may manage to power through, but not without your brain feeling like it was taken over by one of those cymbal clashing monkeys.
5. The Euphoria
Commonplace during mornings that may or may not have included sleep the night before, the Euphoria is often mistaken for claiming that you’re still drunk. While claiming to still be drunk at 9:30 am is always a solid way to paint that oh-so epic picture of how f*cking epic you are, there’s a 99% chance its just not true.
High on life, you’ll likely channel the Euphoria by going out for an early morning run, blasting Swedish House Mafia, or walking around the house yelling the type of sh*t one yells when the world is his for the taking. But like an energy drink, the Euphoria eventually dies, leaving you suddenly passed out on the very same floor you were recently belting out crunches on. Overall, its a reminder that however surprising, you are actually human.