And on the 8th day, God invented Spring Break to test your body’s alcohol consumption limits and to see how many girls you can convince to sleep with you in a single week. After years of research I have broken it down to this: there are 5 conversations that you are guaranteed to have with girls at any spring break destination. Of course there are variances and outside factors that require your discretion, but overall it’s pretty cut and dry:
1. The Basic ‘Where Are You From?’ Conversation
This conversation is the easiest way to break the ice with any single girl or any group of girls. It gets a conversation started and allows them to talk about themselves (which is exactly what every girl wants to do at any given moment). Once they’ve given you their life story, they’ll probably ask where you’re from. If they do this, you are in and it is safe to bring in all your boys for backup (assuming it’s a group). If they don’t ask you where you’re from, they aren’t interested in you probably because you aren’t what they’re looking for physically. But keep your head up because we all know that had you been given a fair chance, you would have DESTROYED dat ass.
Side note: This conversation is literally the MOST OVERUSED conversation, so by starting out like this, you are basically every single guy that has talked to her all day and night.
2. The “SHOTS!” Conversation
This isn’t so much a ‘conversation’ as it is a way to build rapport. It probably will lead to a conversation later on, but right off the bat it demonstrates that you are super fun and super spontaneous! Which are the exact things that girls want on Spring Break. She’ll probably thank you and either ask what your name is or where you’re from. Once she’s done this, you are golden and she’ll probably be screaming your name in a few hours. Another way to play it is after the shots have been downed, ignore her and when you see her later give her a high 5 and say, “We did shots!” She’ll immediately remember and she’ll love that you gave her a high 5.
Side note: This one costs money and it really doesn’t guarantee anything. She might walk away never to be seen again.
3. The ‘Where are you staying?’ Conversation
This conversation lets a girl know that you’d like to see her a little bit later, perhaps sometime between the beach and going out at night, perhaps after the party or perhaps even after the after party. It’s a pretty straightforward question and it implies that you’d like to do more than just drink and talk (hint: you want SEX). You usually shouldn’t break out this conversation until you’ve built up enough of a rapport to get an honest answer. If you just walk up to a girl and say, “Hey, where are you stayin’?” She’ll be super creeped out and will probably say something like, “GO AWAY WEIRDO!” in a really loud, bitchy tone. I hate that I know this to be true.
Side Note: This question can be non-threatening if you’re trying to figure out where to pregame. Maybe in exchange for using her and her friends’ room to pregame, you bring the alcohol and fun will be had by all! Plus you’ll know where she’s staying later on when she invites you back.
4. The ‘We have more __________ back at our hotel room’ Conversation
Similar to the, “Where are you staying?” Conversation, this question has some underlying implications that there is more than just parting on your mind. On the surface it says hey come join us as we partake in more drinking or drugs but just beneath that is says, “Come back to my hotel room so we can DO IT and by IT I mean sex and by sex I mean 3 minutes of me pumping and 10 minutes of you walking back to your hotel room disappointed!” This conversation will typically take place really late at night when the bars are closing and there’s nowhere else to go in public without being arrested. Again, this conversation should only take place if you are quite certain that the girl will join you back in your hotel room. Some indications that she will are: if you two were just making out, if she’s upset that it’s last call, if she mentions that she doesn’t have any weed (and you do), if she is grabbin’ all up on your junk, if she’s been near you all night long, or if she says she’s bored with this place.
Side note: If it’s last call and you don’t have any girls to bring home with you yet, you can open with this question in a last ditch effort to bring some sore of strange back to your hotel room. It may seem a bit desperate, but desperate times do call for desperate measures.
5. The ‘You gotta go’ Conversation
Well last night everything went perfect and you had sex next to your passed out buddy! But now, a new day is upon you and whatever you woke up next to has got to go. There are a few ways you can approach this. You can be diplomatic by lying to her about some fake activities that you and your boys are doing in like 15 minutes and she has to go. Or you can be a dick and say something like. “Hey wakeup! You gotta go.” And throw her sandals into the hallway. I prefer the former because I’m a nice guy. But ultimately, the choice is yours.
Side note: If you actually liked the girl (I know it sounds crazy), this conversation doesn’t have to happen, you can just include her in all your activities for the week and have a solid hookup buddy while you’re on spring break. Less chance of any STD’s and if she was hot and good at sex, there’s that.
Like I said, there are always extenuating circumstances and sometimes these conversations will happen at different points during the day, night or at some ridiculous hour in the morning. The key here is to use your best judgment and roll with the punches accordingly. Be ready to embrace the weird! If all goes according to plan, you should walk away from Spring Break knowing you had an amazing time but not necessarily remembering any of it.
Aristotle is a Los Angeles based comedian who thinks that Spring Break officially starts when a drunk girl in a bikini tries to bite your face. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.
Dude crushin' it pic on shutterstock