1. Branch the Fuck Out
I’m a Jew from the north shore of Long Island. I went to college 1,275 miles away in Miami, one of the most diverse places on the planet, to join a frat of bros who looked exactly like me and hook up almost exclusively with chubby JAPs who I’ve known since elementary school. An understandable, but ultimately, regrettable move. Most of us won’t end up too far from where we came from. College is your one big chance to bask in the Godly light of diversity. Homework help from the Shanghai finance whiz! Handjobs from the Ukrainian girl on the volleyball team! Live, damnit!
2. Don’t Put the Pussy on a Pedestal
I literally had the most beautiful antique hand-sculpted pedestal to put my pussy on. It was the pride of the ZBT frat house. Students from the architecture school came over to study just how perfectly preserved it was. Smash that bitch to bits. Yes, there will be a bevy of beautiful girls on your campus (unless you go to an Ivy), nothing like you’ve even seen before. I don’t care how intimidated and inundated you are. Everyone in college is an equal. Thus, it stands to reason that you can tag that ass. She only dates athletes? Fuck that. Her last boyfriend was a sheik from Kuwait? Praise Allah. Get drunk, act absurdly confident, and say something funny. You can fuck anyone that you put your mind to.
3. Take Some Classes That Actually Matter
Those poor Sports Management majors. How few of them actually ended up managing sports (whatever the fuck that even means, anyway). The others landed jobs at a super-sick Viral Sports-Media-Marketing Firms, updating the company’s Twitter for 15k a year. We all know it’s rough out there, why not spend a little time making yourself a viable candidate come graduation time? Unless you’re pre-med or an accounting major, your college classes are complete bullshit and have nothing to do with getting a legit job in the real world. English majors, take a finance course! Finance majors, take a course in not being a douchebag! Yes, we all go to college to get fucked up, but there is no harm in taking a fraction of that time to actually learn something valuable. Nobody has ever benefited from getting an ‘A’ in History of Jazz, bro.
4. Celebrate the Off-Nights
Yes, everyone gets pumped for Spring Break. But what about those random Tuesday nights? That’s where the magic happens. Stop bitching, you don’t have class until 11:00, and it’s Psych 101. The girls who go out on a Tuesday or go to the “other bar” are ones who really are down to get loose. But celebrating the off-night extends beyond girls. Some of my fondest college memories were the random road trips where we drove 2 hours away to see what Sonic actually tasted like (spoiler alert: not that good) or the absurd “Feats of Strength” competition we decided to have in the frat house on a slow Wednesday. Life passes you by while you’re waiting for the big things to happen. *Cue the acoustic version of Wonderwall*
5. Do You, Bro
Just live ya life, ay-ay ayyyy-ay. Wow, that song is like 7 years old now. Weird. Anyway, so much time is spent on Instagram, checking out what everyone else is doing. Comparing, contrasting. “It looks like they’re killing it, shouldn’t I be killing it? How did he hit that? Why aren’t we having good parties like PIKE?” All of that is spinning your wheels and will not benefit you in anyway whatsoever. This is your chance to really indulge in all that life has to offer, no good will come from obsessing over how much more your friend at Wisco is indulging. Do weird shit. Take a Zumba class, I don’t care.
That wraps it up for me. Freshmen, please take heed. Post-grads, do you have any other big-time regrets that I missed out on? Let me know. Also, check out my SoulCycle/spin class parody if you haven’t. 80k hits and counting…