College
by Tucker Bradford on December 12, 2013

Crap. I wish someone had told me that when I was a freshman. Well, at least I've met a wide array of interesting people along the way, learned how to answer those ridiculous “Tell me about one of your failures” interview questions, and made enough money to support my functional alcoholism.

Campus Rec Center

Why take the job: The Greek system is almost single-handedly responsible for supporting any campus rec center, meaning that you’ll be in fairly regular contact with the hottest girls in a 1-mile radius.

What it says about me: I kill two birds with one stone by working out at the same place I work.

Responsibilities: Wiping down machines, renting out basketballs to freshman, keeping your eyes low in the men’s locker room.

Pay: Minimum wage. Sorry Mom and Dad.

Type of girls you’ll meet: The fitness-obsessed female who squats nearly as much as you. There’s a 90% chance she has a pixie cut, small boobs that look great in a sports bra and has a name like “Carissa.” She’ll put you through your paces at the gym and in bed.

Or: the recently initiated sorority gal who heard from her Big that all the hottest guys work out at the rec. Catch her coming out of the intro-to-Pilates class or curling 5-pound dumbbells in the weight room.

Residential Advisor

Why take the job: Because by nature everyone will assume you’re pretty responsible, meaning that you can be completely irresponsible and enforce zero rules while everyone assumes you’ve got everything under conrol.

What it says about me: I’m smart enough to have found a job that pays my rent and feeds me.

Responsibilities: Writing up 1 freshman every semester for drinking to keep your boss from finding out about the 389 times you looked the other way, making fun of all the Bob Marley posters you come across during room sweeps, planting booze in the rooms of residents you hate.

Pay: Free room and meals. You’re welcome Mom and Dad.

Type of girls you’ll meet: Kelli, the new freshman pre-nursing major whose high school boyfriend was such a dick. She’s attracted to power figures and cares less about the “residents not allowed to hook up with the RA” rule than you do. She’ll ask you to buy her booze approximately three minutes after moving in. Even if you’re not 21, you'll figure out a way to make it happen.

Or, your fellow RA’s who are so uptight it only makes sense that they have perfect GPAs and relish making freshmen pour out their beer in the water fountains. These girls are almost impossible to bed, as hooking up with a coworker goes against their nature. Better steer clear.

Dining Hall Server

Why take the job: Because if you applied for this shit job in the first place, you don’t deserve better employment anyway.

What it says about me: Most employers really can’t look past my DUI, but Greta the Dining Hall Director understands the value of second chances.

Responsibilities: Making sure Jimmy didn’t get onions on his burger, showing up during historical snow storms.

Pay: Enough to keep you swimming in weed.

Type of girls you’ll meet: The ones who anonymously post the following on the campus secret admirer Facebook page: “Jacob who works at University Dining Hall, you’re eyes are SO HOT and I swear we make eye contact every time I order a grilled chicken burger. Are you single? God I hope so. I’m pretty sure you know who this is. Let’s get together sometime and you can Press my Panini, if you know what I mean.”

Summer Orientation Leader

Why take the job: It’s only half the summer, pays in housing and food and you get to take stock of every incoming freshman girl, reporting back to your bros accordingly.

What it says about me: Getting a real job summer job is terrifying, and I just loooOooOOOOooove Freshmen!

Responsibilities: Informing the freshmen of every location on campus where free condoms and lube are available, encouraging that dweeb from Atlanta to rush any fraternity but yours, assuring Kelsey’s parents mid-hangover that most students on campus really don’t drink, honestly.

Pay: Free housing and meals for half the summer.

Type of girls you’ll meet: Those who are just “so over” high school guys and want to meet “real” men. You’ll definitely run into them somehow during the first week of classes. There’s a slim but very real possibility that they’re planning to lose their virginity to you.

Or, terrified Daddy’s girls who can’t even think about guys because the thought of being 200 miles from their favorite hair stylist is almost too much to handle. Invite those girls to your syllabus-week parties. Be their comfort, their rock.

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