by Andy Moore on November 27, 2012

At least, that's the vibe I'm getting from this Cleveland Plain-Dealer article that lays out, in exhaustive detail, how four Ohio college students got caught stealing chemicals from a school lab as part of a scheme to manufacture meth. Below is some of the damning evidence that points to idiocy. (And if you want to read the full story, the article is one of the more entertaining I've read in a newspaper in some time.)

First, they pretty clearly stole the master key to the chemistry labs, which led to a few raised suspicions, which led to an increased security presence, which led to, well, you get the point.

A BW chemistry professor discovered his master key to Wilker/Telfer Hall had been stolen from his key ring, which he had left unattended for about 15 minutes in a lab room. He later told Berea police that he had seen [Lauren] Pajerski, a violin performance/chemistry major, and a man looking in the room earlier that day. It was unusual to see students because it was summer break.

College security officials immediately changed all the exterior locks to the building.

At 11:30 p.m. on May 18 a BW security officer saw a man and woman, both dressed in black and wearing black face masks, in that same lab room.


They also spit in the face of the concept of “burner phone” and exchanged some of the funniest and most damning “OH MY GOD WE'RE COOKING DRUGS” text messages in the history of modern criminal activity.

Knight and Pajerski had sent text messages about planning the lab break-in, including what equipment they needed and how Pajerski should leave a window open on the ground-floor level to gain access, [police Detective Dennis] Bort said.

“Some of the messages were pretty funny,” Bort said. “He said he had a really sweet hat for [the break-in] and she said a fedora is not B-and-E [breaking and entering] wear.”


Then, when they got caught, their first thoughts went to the theses they still had to write, not, you know, jail time.

Knight, Pajerski and Cickovskis did not appear to understand the magnitude of the trouble they were in when police arrested them, Bort said.

“We took their computers, which they used to order equipment and chemicals, and one asked, 'When can I get my computer back? I have a thesis due,' ” he said. “They didn't understand they were not likely getting it back nor were they likely to be in school.”


And did I mention the texts? Let's go back to the texts.

“Basically it amounts to a written confession,” Bort said of the numerous texts. “I love texting. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.”


They tried to be WW. They should have stayed at the breakfast table with Walter, Jr.

[H/T: Gawker]