BroBible recently brought you the story of a writer who found himself in a rather shitty situation, in that he shit himself. In the middle of an exam. I can’t say that I’ve been in quite as extreme of a predicament, but I do know that awful feeling of needing to relieve myself through the two hole in the middle of a test. Something that seems as irrefutable as the Arizona Diamondback’s piss-poor starting rotation this year, is having to take a shit while you’re on campus.
Keep in mind that finding that perfect, pristine pooper on campus is an art, not a science. Make sure you take time to develop your craft. Honing these skills takes a while, but the absolute last predicament you want to find yourself in is prairie dogging in the chemistry building desperately searching for a stall that your 90-year-old professor just got done destroying (and boy he really likes Indian food). So allow me to take you through the best and the worst places to take a deuce on your campus.
The Engineering Building
I go to a fairly engineering-heavy school so perhaps this varies, but should I ever find myself in dire straits the engineering building is at the top of my list of bathrooms to use. I don’t know what it is. They are always kept clean, always fully stocked with the finest toilet paper and, best of all, motherfucking privacy. So I don’t need to listen to the twelve tunes of Dr. Hershire’s anus while I do my business.
The Campus Chipotle
If you don’t go to a school that has a nearby Chipotle I’m afraid you have much larger problems than finding the nearest bathroom—which, ironically you’ll have to use quite a bit if you frequent Chipotle. Seriously, their bathrooms are immaculate. They clean them hourly and always have running water and clean toilets. They are private as an added bonus. And then once you’re done make sure you check their secret menu. Yes, it’s as glorious as you’d expect.
The Student Union
Given the sheer volume of traffic your campus union probably gets you would assume this is a poor choice. WRONG. These are more than likely your safest and best bet. They are cleaned regularly and probably don’t get as much use as you might think. If your union has a bottom floor I would try down there first. Less foot traffic and the only other people you will see are the crazy guys playing Dance Dance Revolution like it’s their goddamned major.
The Medical Library
Cleanliness isn’t just wanted in a medical institution, it’s a necessity. I often frequent the medical library. This is because medical students study hard and do so quietly, which is the way I prefer. I might be overreaching with this assumption but they operate on a rather high level of hygiene as well. These are some phenomenal bathrooms they have so always keep that in mind if you find yourself in a Defcon 5 situation.
Through my experiences at other college campuses I have found this location to be one of the most abhorrently worst to find yourself in need of relief. My advice: avoid this place completely, even in the case of an emergency I would recommend going to the nearest building to do your business. What makes the library bathrooms so awful? Here’s my theory: aside from probably being one of the most frequented locations on campus, I’m not entirely sure who the hell is tasked with cleaning this place. I have never seen a janitor clean the library bathroom in my four years at college. It’s also important to consider the piss poor diet of the occupants of the library have. That Jimmie Johns and gallon of coffee isn’t going to be sitting too well three hours into studying. I implore you to avoid these bathrooms at all costs. Library bathrooms, not even once.
Campus IT Center
This is my no-brainer on the list. Stay away from these bathrooms. Again, I don’t think anyone is tasked with cleaning these things. And for whatever magical, technical abilities the IT Unit may have in fixing your beer-soaked computer, nothing can help these guys with their “no flushing” problem. What is this 7th grade P.E.? Are we shining laser pointers in the professor’s eyes as well? Jesus.
Luke Johnsen is a weekly contributor to BroBible.