If This Is What ‘Less Troy Barnes In This Season of Community’ Mea...
Hot girl twerks at IHOP, gets crushed at it by a dude

30 Drunk Things Every Guy Will Do Before He’s 30

By / 07.24.13

Rites of passage for grown men can vary depending on geographic location but they theme remains the same, all men must do certain things to claim their man card. 

For example, kissing a girl. If you are 29 years old and haven't kissed a girl, even gay men kiss a girl before 30, than you might want to approach a stranger and plant one of the lips. Don't say we told you to do so, just be a rock star and do it. 

That is the simplest idea we could think of for a man to become a man. Another would be what you do when consuming alcohol. If you have spent the past 29 years drinking alcohol and going to bed without any crazy stories, you are doing it wrong. You might want to take out a pen and write down what you are about to read.

This is a list of the 30 drunk things every man will do before he is 30. Remember, if you are reading this and haven't done any of them, go grab a bud light and get started. Shit bro, it isn' that hard.

30. Throw Up in a Cab or Bus

Men control their alcohol intake when alone or with a group of women. But when we are with old buddies or a group of our best friends, the amount we consume takes a turn to unlimited town. It becomes a competition amongst ourselves and the next thing you know, we are spewing Tequila on the city bus. It has happened to yours truly but at least I had the intelligence to get off the bus and run. I mean, clean it up and pay for the damages.

29. Steal a Street Sign

Stop signs are great accessories in your man cave. It is a trophy you can carry for all time. The best part about it is that the police rarely go after someone who steals a street sign. It is difficult to track something like that or so alcohol makes us think. Why else would someone have a street sign above their queen size bed?

28. Eat 100 Tacos in One Sitting

Don't act like you haven't been there, we all have. Taco Bell is open late and tacos are about 60 cents a piece. It is not only cheap and easy to order, it is fun to show off your Kobayashi skills and devour 100 tacos in under 10 minutes. I am not saying you will eat all 100 of them, most people don't make it past 10, but it is surely a fun challenge that we will end up trying to defeat for years.

27. Walk Home

How many people do you know have drank way too much alcohol and get angry because the TV isn't 3-D so they leave the party and walk home, even if they live 30 miles away or if it is storming. I have seen it happen. When a man is ready to leave, he is going to leave, with or without you. Walking home isn't a big deal being as your senses have taken a back seat to reasoning. You would be shocked at how many drunk men end up walking home in the rain. 

26. Get Into a Bar Fight That You Started But Didn't Finish

Not every man will get into a fight when he is drunk. We are not all animals and shouldn't be judged as such. However, there are just some nights when things happen that put you in a bad mood before you start drinking. Now you are just looking for someone to unleash the attitude on. Next thing you know the whole bar is fighting and two of your buddies are dragging you out of there telling you we have to leave.

25. Argue with a Homeless Person

Homeless people are batshit crazy. Everyone knows this already. But when a man drinks alcohol, he becomes another person. When he drinks too much alcohol, he becomes a douchey know-it-all. So it is only common to see a drunk person yelling at a homeless person because Val Kilmer would make a better chef than Tyrion Lannister. I know, it sounds dumb but you should go talk to a homeless person some time.

24. Make Out with a Stranger (Preferably of the opposite sex)

No I am not talking about after a night of buying someone drinks, I am talking about something completely random. This usually happens on your way out of the club too. It is that moment when you are passing someone by and the thought tackles your brain and tells you to do it, so you do. It can go either way depending on the amount of alcoholic intake she has consumed that night. If it works, you are in. If not, you are drunk and in the same place you started.

23. Go To Casino, Spend Every Dime

Most of these are life lessons from yours truly through experiences. And yes, I once drank enough alcohol that would make even Joe Walsh jealous and then I went to a casino. The worse part about it was the girl with me was drunk too and didn't mind the countless trips to the ATM. You would think she would have grabbed my card and thrown it away, right? Not so much. 

22. Spill Alcohol on Everything

Spilling alcohol is when you know you are drunk. If you can't figure out how to keep from spilling the contents in your container, that means you have done your job and you are drunk as shit. How many shirts you have are covered in alcohol from the night before? All the great hangovers come with a alcohol soaked shirt.

21. “Like” Everything on Facebook

Being allowed on Facebook when drunk is evil. There should be a block for drunk people. My friends know I am drunk when I like everything in the news feed for the past twelve hours. I might even make a few comments about how ugly someone is or how fat they look now. Either way, Facebook is the devil to drunkards.

20. Go Streaking

Going streaking is just something you will end up doing before you turn 30 anyways so you mine as well do it soon. If you don't have the nerve, you will once you drink a bucket of hard liquor. At that point, the idea to remove all your clothes and run down the road is so epic you wonder why you haven't done it sooner.

19. Buy Everyone a Drink

The number one thing all men should do when planning on drinking lots of alcohol for the night is leave your credit/debit cards at home. After one too many drinks, you will end up buying the whole bar a good time. Since I have been in that position several times, I ask you to be careful when spending money while drunk. Almost everything is purchasable when you have been drinking.

18. Become Justin Timberlake

Do you know anyone who goes to a karaoke bar to sing for real? No way. People go to karaoke bars to get drunk and make fools of themselves as they sing Backstreet Boys hits and dance like a freaking idiot. The more alcohol the better. In fact, you might even end up with a group of new friends to sing “We are the World.”

17. Burn Food at Home (and the roof of your mouth)

The one thing men often do when they get home from a night of drinking is cook the most epic meals of all time. These meals end up including just about everything in the kitchen between two slices of bread but only after you have done the whole Quizno's thing and tossed it in the oven. Just don't forget about the food when you pass out on the kitchen floor. Can we say fire alarm?

16. Have Sex in Public

For most men, having sex is an adventure of its' own. If you have the savvy to get a girl to have sex with you in public, you have a gold medal in our books. Public can be anything from a car parked outside a night club to a restroom in Starbucks. As long as it isn't at home and it isn't in a house. Unless, of course, it is a complete strangers house. In that case, you win at life.

Click Below for the Top 15 Drunk Things Every Guy Will Do Before He's 30

{pagebreak}

15. Moon a Group of Adults

Notice how it says adults and not women. If you moon a group of women, you aren't drunk, you are 12. Mooning is already a very childish act but when drinking alcohol, it ends up being the next great thing. So it is only natural you would have mooned a group of older adults instead. It is like you are sticking it to society. Or you are just that drunk.

14. Pass Out on the Sidewalk (Or wherever you are)

After you have been drinking, you end up losing track of how much. It usually ends up in disaster, AKA a blackout. When you blackout from drinking alcohol, the first thing that happens is you fall asleep in the spot you are standing when the blackout hits you. There is no moving you, you are going to be asleep and laying in, possibly, a pool of vomit near a sidewalk. Good luck when it happens and remember, we have all been there buddy.

13. Tell the Truth (About Everything)

The filter that you usually use will fall off after you hit drunk level 9. All those secrets you recall about exes or your buddies will end up hitting the cutting room floor to the next person that stands next to you. And why? Because you have nothing better to do and your brain is asleep at the wheel.

12. Break Into a Zoo

Now this might sound like a bad idea but it is. This is a terrible idea and no one should ever try it. However, you will because you want a monkey like from that movie and you only know one place that has it, the zoo. Hell, if you want a Tiger too, my heart goes out to your family.

11. Eat Food off the Floor

It might be a bet but it is a bet a drunkard will win 10 times out of 10. There isn't much you won't eat off the floor when you are drunk because that part of your brain that tells you no went on vacation and the yes part is ready to party. Besides, you are drunk and hungry. What is the worse that can happen?

10. Hump a Statue

There is something to be said about giant statues and that is, they all need to be humped. It is about as funny as it sounds but the alcohol you consume will have you thinking it is the greatest idea since gasoline in cars. But now, with social media apps like Twitter and Instagram, humping statues is something we all must do or Reddit might not think we are funny OP's.

9. Hump an Innocent Bystander

See Above but this time replace it with a human being. Try pulling that one off, if you haven't already.

8. Get Arrested

Not everyone can handle alcohol. You will find this out when you get arrested for drunk in public, which is a real thing. It only takes one arrest to teach you a valuable lesson about drinking alcohol, don't do it around cops. Those dudes ruin everything. How many times have you been arrested for drunk in public? If you said never, you aren't doing it right.

7. Lose Everything

Losing your phone, that is about a decent drunk night. But losing your phone, keys, wallet, and belt? That is one epic drunken night. It happens to us all.

6. Pee in Public

Yes sir, this happens too often. As a New Orleans native, I have experienced my share of Mardi Gras's and going to the bathroom is one of the worse parts about it. After spending a day of drinking, you know have to stand in a long ass line to pee when there is about 450 square miles of grass and sidewalks that dogs pee on all the time. Naturally, you make the call and release the urine. Some people even do it in an airport, right random guy from the Twilight movies?

5. Penis Pics

If you are sending pictures of your penis to other women, you are doing it wrong. Sure, it sounds like a great idea and it might help convince that chick to invite you over but if you have to send a cock shot to a chick to be invited to her place for the night, you probably could have got the invite without the picture. That being said, men are who we are and we will send those pictures just as fast as the thought pops into our head before thinking about the repercussions.

4. Bring Home a Troglodyte

At the end of the night, no amount of alcohol can cure a man's horny nature. In fact, the more we drink, the more we end up wanting to slam bacon. So when the night goes South and we have but one option left, we settle for that ugly girl at the bar that has been our shadow all night. You can blame it on the alcohol but your friends will never let you get away with this one. If you haven't already experienced this mayhem, do yourself a favor and avoid it at all costs.

3. End Up Naked Somewhere

Men like to take off their clothes and we do not know why. For whatever reason, we enjoy getting naked, and that is when we are sober. Imagine what happens when we are drunk and decide to get naked, we do, regardless of the place. I have a buddy that was dropped off at the wrong house and woke up naked on the lawn. The owner of the home understood what was happening and brought him clothes and gave him a ride home. But not all naked stories end up so happy. Most end up in jail. Without clothes.

2. Cry

You did read that right, men cry. We aren't as emotional as women when they drink alcohol but we tend to find ourselves looking back over the years and reliving those golden days of yesterday. And once the tears start to flow, it is like the beaches of Normandy, they just come, wave after wave. We cannot stop them either. Most guys will lie and say this isn't true but they are probably the ones that do it all the time.

1. Drunk Dial an Ex with Bad Intentions

Every man will do this before he turns 30. He might even have done this 3,942 times before he turns 30. It is the simplest thing men do when drinking. We have a handful of women on our phones that we consider our go-to's and when the night goes South, we rely on the past to get us through the night. If you haven't done this already, you will. 


TAGSDrunk
About Thomas...

I want more like this!

Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.

MORE STORIES FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Join The Discussion


Comments are closed.

Sign Up