College
by Andy Moore on April 4, 2013

Since many colleges just accepted a new batch of diploma candidates, we had to roll it back. Here are 25 more highlights from Accepted! 2017.

OUR COMMENTS ARE IN ITALICS.

Macalester College:

On a scale of one to ten how obsessed with Harry Potter are you?

Me, I’m about nine and three quarters.

See what I said about Harry Potter?

Princeton:

Okay guys, who is old money and who is new money here? and is there anyway to request an old money roomate? with the amount of money my parents are paying for me to go here there better haha….

Gatsby, old sport! Is that you?! Did you see who won the zeppelin race yesterday? I wasn't able to watch—my bootlegger came over with a crate of Canadian Club and we had to toast Warren G. Harding. Interested in heading into the city to yell at chinamen later?

University of Chicago:

My school is full of damned serfs. I just want to be at UChi already.

This guy should hang out with Mr. Princeton.

Miami University:

In the anals of history people are going to be talking about four things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl, and the Miami University Class of 2017.

This is Miami. Calling it “anals” instead of “annals,” I think, was intentional.

Notre Dame:

Catholic, theater, bass in choir, trumpet in band, french horn in full orchestra, 35 ACT, 3.98 unweighted grade point average, 4 5’s on AP tests, one 4, All-State Choir, National Catholic Youth Choir, jazz band, Civilization IV(Baba Yetu), Straight No Chaser and Buble fan; absolutely no idea what to do with this life other than what I’m doing. And that’s literally everything possible.

Dude.

University of California, Berkeley:

Did anyone else get into Berkeley? Or just Cal?

You… You guys catch that?

Dickinson College:

Hi, my name is Steven and I’m part of your average family. I got a dad, a mom, and a sister. There is Donnie, we found him, and Darwin, he found us. Oh yeah, about our house, it moves ‘cause we travel all over the world. You see my dad hosts this nature show and my mom shoots it. Okay so we’re not that average. And between you and me something AMAZING happened and now I can talk to animals. Its really cool but totally secret. And you know what? Life’s never been the same.

See now THIS is how you do it right here. The Wild Thornberrys kicked ass. You actually might have made a friend out of this.

University of Southern California:

Alright everyone, time to get real. I can’t be the only one who has been making trojan condom jokes like it’s my job these past few days. Please tell me that there are others who have a sense of humor comparable to a fourteen-year-old boy?

Want to intern here?

Quinnipiac University:

who am I gonna be packin lips with for the next 4 years?

You can intern here too.

Rutgers:

RUTGERS CLASS OF 2017 #SWAG #YOLO #SWERVE

I BET MIT IS REALLY REGRETTING THEIR DECISION RIGHT NOW! :)

You cannot intern here.

Vanderbilt:

Is there anyone who’s not completely weirded out by a bicurious roommate??? I promise I don’t hit on straight girls lol. No one on roomsurf seems to appreciate this… yet. :)

Vandy! Thought you girls were proper and Southern and all that. Look at you.

Princeton:

Lol. Hey guys this is gonna sound kind of random, but I’m related to Matt Damon. Anybody else related to somebody famous?

Ben Affleck. How 'bout THEM APPLES?

Princeton:

My mom wants to ask if there’s anyway she can stay with me or close to me in New Jersey for the first two months when I go to college. Anyone has any idea if there’s any affordable place near Princeton that she could stay for 2 months?

Today in “Posts that were deleted immediately after this guy's mom left the room.”

MIT:

I figure y’all could appreciate the nerdiness of this: Today I asked someone to Formal by sneaking an innocuous sounding Python script onto her computer while fixing a problem she was having. When I ran it under the guise of it being a script to change sound card settings it said “Formal?” in huge ascii art letters and then made her answer.

She said yes #winning

“So, did you fix my computer?” 

Swarthmore:

I don’t know why – but I’m somewhat attracted to trees.

As best I can tell, this is not a drug reference. We're dealing with a pansexual here. Who will probably write incredibly awful poetry about his/her condition.

Villanova:

College prowler has the villanova ladies as an A+…ladies like this post if u mantainlng this rep #nova2017 #cantwaitformyfirstkiss!!

THIS GUY.

Washington and Lee:

Do kids drink at w&l? How about marijuanas

Fact: Drugs sound 85% more funnier when they're not punctuated correctly. “Cocaines.” “Ecstasys.” “Marijuanas.” 

Iowa:

Chrystina, Congratulations on being accepted at University of Iowa for the Class of 2917! God Bless You, We’re happy and Proud of You, Aunt Jeannie and Rich xxx ooo

How did Aunt Jeannie and Rich get in this closed group? And are they from the future? I think this is from the future.

Northwestern:

Dog whisperer.
Flip phoner.
Theatre geek.
Mac & cheese addict.
Pun maker.
Late sleeper.
Netflix watcher.
Shoe painter.
Secret keeper.
Sweater wearer.
Junk food enthusiast.
Fun have-er.

Picker
Grinner
Lover
Sinner
Player of music in the sun
Joker
Smoker
Midnight toker
Getter of lovin' on the run.

Hampshire:

heeeello- My Name is [name], but I Am the water, the soil, you, your dog, the sun. Your posts have inspired me to introduce myself. I grew up playing sports, and left home sophomore year to attend a boarding school that’s major focus is centered around competitive athletics, where I am currently playing Ice Hockey- For the past 3 summers I’ve worked on farms. The passion, Love and relationships I’ve developed throughout my summers on farms have gradually overcome my interest in sport. During the process of learning about different colleges, I opened myself to feel which direction my happiness was hinting at would bear it the most fruit, and noticed just before athletic commitment that continuing with sport as a focus in college would be less liberating for me; in comparison to the freedom I’ve felt during the hot summer, sunny days in the fields. The physical similarities between sustainable agricultural practices and sports are beautiful. Becoming aware of the connection between labor, and the simplicity of how it leads to nourishment, has overwhelmed me in a way that’s granted a since of tangible wholeness throughout my being- that sport has yet to satisfy. I look forward to meeting everyone in person!

I have a friend who once visited Hampshire. He said that the dorms were informally categorized by the drug that dominated each one. For instance, many dorms were “weed dorms.” He walked by one dorm that was called the “acid dorm.” And, at the very edge of campus, there was a ramshackle dorm with skinny people laying outside. This was the “heroin dorm.”

My point is that Hampshire is insane.

Roanoke:

I’m planning on majoring in sex.

University of Mississippi:

Guys I’m just trying to get internet famous by the time I graduate. Who wants to help?

Go to Cornell.

Stanford:

what if I pretend to be British for like the first 6 months at college only around my roommate and I wake him up every morning at like 6 am and say like “up up darling it’s time for your tea the birds are singing a spoon full of medicine makes the medicine go down” and then we get back from winter break and switch back to normal and pretend he made the whole thing up until he loses his mind that would be fun. I’m gonna do this.

Or you could not?

Baylor:

Are there any active feminists out there? Not just believers but actually practicing?

How do you “practice?” I don't think I'm allowed to know. I think it might involve not shaving.

Yale:

congrats new admits but let’s all remember that no matter what university or college one goes to, everyone’s life ends equally in death

Reggie Noble's staff bio says the exact same thing! Bros for life, right here.

[Graduation girl holding diploma image via Shutterstock]