7. The RA
Bio: He's your RA. By the rules of every college movie, he's either a puritanical dictator, or just weird. Mine happened to be a jovial man who insisted we call him "Brother Brian." (I don't really have anything bad to say about Brother Brian.)
Catchphrase: "Does everyone like trust falls?"
By sophomore year: You'll see him once in the gym. You won't make eye contact.
6. The N64 Diehard
Bio: The Nintendo Diehard is a dying breed. This is the dude who brought his N64 with well-loved copies of Wave Racer, Goldeneye, Mario Party, Blitz, and Mario Kart, and piss on the man who ever suggests Halo on an HDTV. He'll have a drinking game for every old standby, and the pregames for "Mario Party Party" will actually be... pretty fun.
Catchphrase: "FUCK YOU AND FUCK KIRBY."
By sophomore year: His 17-year-old Nintendo will somehow soldier on, while your 4-year-old 360 flashes three red lights.
5. Liquor Bottle Guy
Bio: He never throws away a beer or liquor bottle. I can say, unequivocally, that one of these guys exists in every freshman dorm.
Catchphrase: "Are you holding onto that Magic Hat?"
By sophomore year: After a horrible accident moving the bottle collection to his fraternity house, Bottle Guy will be prescribed Zoloft.
4. Pre-Orientation Girl/Guy
Bio: The queen or king of freshman year for three days, this champ actually signed up for one of those pre-orientation programs, built a treehouse somewhere 30 minutes off campus, and came away with literally dozens of best friends.
Catchphrase: "I'm going to go pregame in the Bennett dorm tonight!"
By sophomore year: They'll be a crew-leader for a pre-orientation program.
3. The Existentialist Pothead
Bio: Everyone knows the stereotype: This is the bro who holds court atop his bean bag chair, simultaneously blowing smoke into a ventilation shaft while discussing Sartre.
Catchphrase: "You know that for sure, man?"
By sophomore year: He'll be a heroin addict. WEED KILLS, PASS IT ON.
2. Rich International Kid
Bio: Roughly 95% of George Washington's population, RIK will cruise in with a Beemer and an Armani exchange shirt, direct a couple of beleaguered movers to his dorm room, then disappear for a few days. When you see him again, it'll be at 3 a.m. in the backroom of your college town's one club. He is vaguely awesome, and you hear his father may be an international smuggler.
Catchphrase: "Well, the Bentley actually doesn't depreciate much."
By sophomore year: He'll still have the school convinced that his live-in butler is a medical necessity.
Bio: You're awesome.
Catchphrase: "Uhhh... College, right, guys?"
By sophomore year: You'll still awesome.
A few more are below. Leave yours in the comments!
-- The guy who already seems to have stolen 14 pieces of school property by Week Two.
-- The bros in the two-bedroom who bought dozens of posters at the school poster sale, including at least three depicting the Boondock Saints.
-- The guy who landed an internship at J.P. Morgan after a recruiter caught his textbook selection and suspender collection.
-- The girl on your hallway who you'll inevitably date even though dorm-cest is a TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE DECISION.
-- The guy from outside D.C. who owns every single EPL jersey, even one for something called "Colwyn Bay."
-- The "innocent" guy appalled at drinking, blasphemy, and/or minorities.
-- The slut who Innocent Guy wants to sleep with.
-- The semi-famous football player.
-- The girl who always seems to be in the common room.
-- The guy or girl who you can't decide to incorporate in the "going-out" group or not.
-- EMS Davey.