College
by Andy Moore on August 20, 2013

These are the stereotypes. They are all correct. 

15. Sgt. Pepper

Bio: Sgt. Pepper is the 18-year-old who wants to introduce you to “real” music—a tonic for the auditory damage caused by Ke$ha and Rihanna and EDM. His band of choice: Obscure 1960s Liverpudlians “The Beatles.” He is the only person who has ever heard of this band, which is commonly known as the most popular in music history. He will tell you he has the White Album on vinyl.

Catchphrase: ”I feel like Pete Best with the girls at this party.”

By sophomore year: He'll have discovered the Stones and, subsequently, the female vagina.

14. TFM

Bio: TFM has been reading Total Frat Move since its inception. At age 16, he began hanging out in the backrooms of his father's country club, confusing the middle-aged members by calling himself a “BSD.” By 17, he had purchased every belt crafted by Vineyard Vines and Southern Tide. At 18, he prepared himself for the rigors of fraternity life by “self-hazing,” only to be rushed to the hospital after drinking paint thinner and waking up unable to stop repeating the words “champ” and “sport.”

He will show up to move-in with golf clubs and a healthy swagger. He'll ask your dad when bought his “TFTC” minivan.

Catchphrase: ”What're you looking at, GDI?”

By sophomore year: He'll be a casualty of a brutal rush season, winding up in a newly formed frat that “actually fits my needs well.”

13. Mr. Kickass

Bio: He is, for lack of a better word, the uber-bro, an enormous former high school football player who can drink 98.5% of the Siberian population underneath the table. On your first night out, you'll see him pound more than even the most seasoned frat guys, somehow keep his composure, then take home the cute girl you had your eye on. This will alarm you. Did Mr. Kickass grow up with a Jack Daniels-soaked pacifier? How is he already this good at drinking?

Catchphrase: “I dunno, I've always been good at drinking.”

By sophomore year: He'll still be hitting his stride. His stride will last for 25 years.

12. Mrs. Kickass

Bio: The complement to Mr. Kickass, Mrs. Kickass will walk into any room, at any time, with a handle of green apple Burnett's and the order for everyone to take “SHOTZ.” She has already taken many “SHOTZ.” She can take more “SHOTZ” than you.

Catchphrase: “SHOTZ.”

By sophomore year: Rehab. The Mrs. Kickasses never seem to keep it together quite like the Mister's. Life is cruel.

11. The Guy Who Doesn't Know He's Gay

Who is he: This is fairly self-explanatory: The Guy Who Doesn't Know He's Gay will typically have grown up in a small Southern town, will normally be religious, and will be very clearly gay. You'll attempt to broach the subject by bringing up dudes like Jason Collins or Neil Patrick Harris, he'll say they're “just funny.”

Catchphrase: “Why would you think that?”

By sophomore year: He'll be out. 

10. Ms. New York

Bio: She is from New York. No, that's not right, she's from “The City.” Manhattan, and the Upper West Side, specifically. She will be horrified at the cinderblock architecture of your dorm. WHY WASN'T THIS DESIGNED BY FRANK GEHRY? She'll frequently reference “the City” and “Daddy,” and you'll begin to wonder how a person can live, exactly, outside of the 10012 zip code.

Catchphrase: ”Ew.”

By sophomore year: Nothing will change. She will never change.

9. The Couple

Bio: They found each other on Night One, or better yet, in some sort of orientation program. They may have finagled their way into the same dorm—she claimed allergies, he said his roommate violently attacked him—and they'll have soon shacked up like a couple celebrating their silver anniversary. These people are awful.

Catchphrase: ”Are you going to the dining hall yet? You better not go to the dining hall without me.”

By sophomore year: They'll be the subject of a blistering Rebecca Martinson column.

8. The Pooper

Bio: It could be from the Muscle Milk you see him chug after hitting the rec center. Or the single bedroom he inhabits—what's he doing in there?—or the strange hours he keeps or the discarded Dominos boxes outside his door.

Whatever the case, this freshman year mainstay will become well-known throughout the dorm ecosystem for one thing: The incredible, prodigious dumps he takes. His musk will permeate the hallway. The maintenence crew will carry on his legend, and they'll tell their grandchildren how he became the first student in decades to clog the school's industrial-strength toilets. The Pooper is the Smelly Kid from Big Daddy grown-up. He's a freak of nature.

Catchphrase: /Furtive look up while leaving the bathroom.

By sophomore year: He'll have left his mark all over campus, even torching a relatively undiscovered bathroom in the chapel.

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7. The RA

Bio: He's your RA. By the rules of every college movie, he's either a puritanical dictator, or just weird. Mine happened to be a jovial man who insisted we call him “Brother Brian.” (I don't really have anything bad to say about Brother Brian.)

Catchphrase: ”Does everyone like trust falls?”

By sophomore year: You'll see him once in the gym. You won't make eye contact.

6. The N64 Diehard

Bio: The Nintendo Diehard is a dying breed. This is the dude who brought his N64 with well-loved copies of Wave Racer, Goldeneye, Mario Party, Blitz, and Mario Kart, and piss on the man who ever suggests Halo on an HDTV. He'll have a drinking game for every old standby, and the pregames for “Mario Party Party” will actually be… pretty fun.

Catchphrase: “FUCK YOU AND FUCK KIRBY.”

By sophomore year: His 17-year-old Nintendo will somehow soldier on, while your 4-year-old 360 flashes three red lights.

5. Liquor Bottle Guy

Bio: He never throws away a beer or liquor bottle. I can say, unequivocally, that one of these guys exists in every freshman dorm.

Catchphrase: “Are you holding onto that Magic Hat?”

By sophomore year: After a horrible accident moving the bottle collection to his fraternity house, Bottle Guy will be prescribed Zoloft.

4. Pre-Orientation Girl/Guy

Bio: The queen or king of freshman year for three days, this champ actually signed up for one of those pre-orientation programs, built a treehouse somewhere 30 minutes off campus, and came away with literally dozens of best friends. 

Catchphrase: “I'm going to go pregame in the Bennett dorm tonight!”

By sophomore year: They'll be a crew-leader for a pre-orientation program.

3. The Existentialist Pothead

Bio: Everyone knows the stereotype: This is the bro who holds court atop his bean bag chair, simultaneously blowing smoke into a ventilation shaft while discussing Sartre.

Catchphrase: “You know that for sure, man?”

By sophomore year: He'll be a heroin addict. WEED KILLS, PASS IT ON.

2. Rich International Kid

Bio: Roughly 95% of George Washington's population, RIK will cruise in with a Beemer and an Armani exchange shirt, direct a couple of beleaguered movers to his dorm room, then disappear for a few days. When you see him again, it'll be at 3 a.m. in the backroom of your college town's one club. He is vaguely awesome, and you hear his father may be an international smuggler.

Catchphrase: “Well, the Bentley actually doesn't depreciate much.”

By sophomore year: He'll still have the school convinced that his live-in butler is a medical necessity.

1. You

Bio: You're awesome.

Catchphrase: “Uhhh… College, right, guys?”

By sophomore year: You'll still awesome.

A few more are below. Leave yours in the comments!

– The guy who already seems to have stolen 14 pieces of school property by Week Two.
– The bros in the two-bedroom who bought dozens of posters at the school poster sale, including at least three depicting the Boondock Saints.
– The guy who landed an internship at J.P. Morgan after a recruiter caught his textbook selection and suspender collection.
– The girl on your hallway who you'll inevitably date even though dorm-cest is a TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE DECISION.
– The guy from outside D.C. who owns every single EPL jersey, even one for something called “Colwyn Bay.”
– The “innocent” guy appalled at drinking, blasphemy, and/or minorities.
– The slut who Innocent Guy wants to sleep with.
– The semi-famous football player.
– The girl who always seems to be in the common room.
– The guy or girl who you can't decide to incorporate in the “going-out” group or not.
– EMS Davey.