When you first step foot in a freshman's dorm room, you stereotype. You make snap judgements based off your dormmate's appearance, his relative cleanliness, and the 52 bags you saw his mother to lug up three flights of stairs during move-in day. Your first impressions will last until proven otherwise.
These are the stereotypes. They are all correct.
15. Sgt. Pepper
Bio: Sgt. Pepper is the 18-year-old who wants to introduce you to "real" music—a tonic for the auditory damage caused by Ke$ha and Rihanna and EDM. His band of choice: Obscure 1960s Liverpudlians "The Beatles." He is the only person who has ever heard of this band, which is commonly known as the most popular in music history. He will tell you he has the White Album on vinyl.
Catchphrase: "I feel like Pete Best with the girls at this party."
By sophomore year: He'll have discovered the Stones and, subsequently, the female vagina.
Bio: TFM has been reading Total Frat Move since its inception. At age 16, he began hanging out in the backrooms of his father's country club, confusing the middle-aged members by calling himself a "BSD." By 17, he had purchased every belt crafted by Vineyard Vines and Southern Tide. At 18, he prepared himself for the rigors of fraternity life by "self-hazing," only to be rushed to the hospital after drinking paint thinner and waking up unable to stop repeating the words "champ" and "sport."
He will show up to move-in with golf clubs and a healthy swagger. He'll ask your dad when bought his "TFTC" minivan.
Catchphrase: "What're you looking at, GDI?"
By sophomore year: He'll be a casualty of a brutal rush season, winding up in a newly formed frat that "actually fits my needs well."
13. Mr. Kickass
Bio: He is, for lack of a better word, the uber-bro, an enormous former high school football player who can drink 98.5% of the Siberian population underneath the table. On your first night out, you'll see him pound more than even the most seasoned frat guys, somehow keep his composure, then take home the cute girl you had your eye on. This will alarm you. Did Mr. Kickass grow up with a Jack Daniels-soaked pacifier? How is he already this good at drinking?
Catchphrase: "I dunno, I've always been good at drinking."
By sophomore year: He'll still be hitting his stride. His stride will last for 25 years.
12. Mrs. Kickass
Bio: The complement to Mr. Kickass, Mrs. Kickass will walk into any room, at any time, with a handle of green apple Burnett's and the order for everyone to take "SHOTZ." She has already taken many "SHOTZ." She can take more "SHOTZ" than you.
By sophomore year: Rehab. The Mrs. Kickasses never seem to keep it together quite like the Mister's. Life is cruel.
11. The Guy Who Doesn't Know He's Gay
Who is he: This is fairly self-explanatory: The Guy Who Doesn't Know He's Gay will typically have grown up in a small Southern town, will normally be religious, and will be very clearly gay. You'll attempt to broach the subject by bringing up dudes like Jason Collins or Neil Patrick Harris, he'll say they're "just funny."
Catchphrase: "Why would you think that?"
By sophomore year: He'll be out.
10. Ms. New York
Bio: She is from New York. No, that's not right, she's from "The City." Manhattan, and the Upper West Side, specifically. She will be horrified at the cinderblock architecture of your dorm. WHY WASN'T THIS DESIGNED BY FRANK GEHRY? She'll frequently reference "the City" and "Daddy," and you'll begin to wonder how a person can live, exactly, outside of the 10012 zip code.
By sophomore year: Nothing will change. She will never change.
9. The Couple
Bio: They found each other on Night One, or better yet, in some sort of orientation program. They may have finagled their way into the same dorm—she claimed allergies, he said his roommate violently attacked him—and they'll have soon shacked up like a couple celebrating their silver anniversary. These people are awful.
Catchphrase: "Are you going to the dining hall yet? You better not go to the dining hall without me."
By sophomore year: They'll be the subject of a blistering Rebecca Martinson column.
8. The Pooper
Bio: It could be from the Muscle Milk you see him chug after hitting the rec center. Or the single bedroom he inhabits—what's he doing in there?—or the strange hours he keeps or the discarded Dominos boxes outside his door.
Whatever the case, this freshman year mainstay will become well-known throughout the dorm ecosystem for one thing: The incredible, prodigious dumps he takes. His musk will permeate the hallway. The maintenence crew will carry on his legend, and they'll tell their grandchildren how he became the first student in decades to clog the school's industrial-strength toilets. The Pooper is the Smelly Kid from Big Daddy grown-up. He's a freak of nature.
Catchphrase: /Furtive look up while leaving the bathroom.
By sophomore year: He'll have left his mark all over campus, even torching a relatively undiscovered bathroom in the chapel.