College
by Isaac Himmelman on November 21, 2013

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Right now you find yourself in a four-year fuck-fest called college. And, well, the reason they call the present the present is because the present is a gift, wrapped up, sealed, and hand delivered to you by a courier service run by Jesus and his reindeer in the post offices of heaven. And so, with that in mind, it’s up to you to take full advantage of that present and all the binge drinking and drugging that present has to offer.

Which brings us to party throwing.

Now granted, just as not every bro is blessed with charm, good looks, and the stamina of a Nordic racehorse, so too not every bro is blessed with charm, good looks, and the opportunity to throw wild and weekly parties in college. That’s just genetics. But if you do happen to be one of the lucky few chosen by Yahweh to throw wild and weekly parties for everybody on campus, well, it’s imperative that you do so and that you do so properly. Now sure, there are those among you who think all you need for a party is chicks, speakers, and some mescaline. And most of the time those three things will do just fine. But every so often you have to get creative. Every so often you have to broaden the horizons of your party-attendees, surprise them with new sights, new smells, and ultimately, new reasons to keep the dream— our dream—alive forever in the hearts of men.

Hello! You need to throw motherfucking theme parties. And I’m not talking about some tired old theme party where dudebros show up and belittle minorities. (Anyway, I’m pretty sure the Ivy League Greek system has that front covered.) I’m talking creative-think-outside-the-box-hard-raging DIY theme parties for you and your buds.

And so, with that in mind, I present: “14 Theme Parties You Should Throw In College.”

Risky Business Party

“Risky Business” is a movie where a young Tom Cruise dances around his house wearing only a button down, briefs, and some Ray-Bans. Now you’re probably thinking, “That sounds pretty gay, bro.” And I guess it does, bro. But here’s the thing: Throw one of these babies, and everyone’s showing up to your party sans-pants. Bro.  

90’s Party

Break out your disc-man, your hope, and your pre-9/11 innocence. Party attendees should dress up as something era appropriate. For example: An Enron employee, or a guy enlisting in the military during times of peace, or a shampoo salesman stowing his merchandise in his carry-on.  

Burning Man Party

This could be a truly enlightening get-together where everyone sits around in a drum circle discussing Foucault and net-neutrality. Or everyone can just eat a bunch of mushrooms and set some shit on fire.

Ivy League Party

Give the state school kids a chance to dress in salmon pink, talk about nautical crap, and poke fun at the kids on scholarship.

Puppy and Dolphin Party

This one’s simple. Just have everyone dress up as a puppy or a dolphin.

Woody Allen Party

Everyone dresses up as their favorite era of Woody Allen. Easy.

Coke Party

Classic party theme. Everyone dresses up as a can of coke and then snorts a bunch of blow.

Mumford & Sons Party

Choose four people, and tell them you’re throwing a Mumford & Sons Party. Later, when these four show up to your place with banjos and little hats, everyone else at the party gets to beat the shit out of them.

Harry Potter Party

Pretty much the same as the Mumford & Sons Party, only you can have as many Harry’s as you want.  

Cirque du Soleil Party

Everyone gets really drunk and pretends to be Cirque du Soleil acrobats.

Rob Ford Party

This one’s topical. Drape Toronto Maple Leafs banners across your living room. Then break out an all-you-can-eat buffet of cheap and deep-fried ethnic food. Then proceed to pig-the-fuck-out. When you’re drunk and full, break into a little post-dinner C-dust. Party should be BYOP (bring your own pipe, naturally.)

Obama Party

Also topical. Pretty much everyone just walks around the house making a bunch of promises they can’t keep.

Lucky Freshman Party

One of my favorites. One: Go to where there are an abundance of freshmen (freshman dorms, dinning halls, the sad dark corners of abandoned rooms.) Two: Choose a freshman at random. Three: Change said freshman’s life by throwing a huge-blow-out rager in his honor. When people ask you why, slap them back-handed across the face and say, “Because he’s the lucky freshman, bro.”

Toga Party

Wait no, I’m kidding. Don’t throw one of these.

Isaac Himmelman is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. You can follow his shit on twitter @isaachimmelman