College
by J. Camm on March 1, 2013

A few years ago, I crafted a list of chicks you'll run into while on spring break, and this year I thought maybe we can actually assist the quality of your trip. Everyone in our office has been on enough Spring Breaks to know some shit about the topic. So we figured we got this in the bag. Plus, if we put our heads together we basically have a full set of chromosomes. We're going to spare you the obvious things your father probably already said to you: fuck anything that walks, spend the entire trip intoxicated, and carry a concealed shank when you leave the resort. Instead, we'll offer up some potential ways to enhance your trip. In no particular order:

 


9. Don't Bring Girls of Any Kind (and Ditch Those That You Do Bring)
Should this be #1? It sure could be, but I never like to rank anything and it's so fucking obvious that I don't think it should be. This isn't always necessarily your fault; maybe you're a victim of circumstance, like the athletes and poor kids stuck at home, but maybe your buddy, the dickless wonder that he is, can't shake his girlfriend so not only is she tagging along, but the eternal cunt wants to bring all of her friends too. This seems great in theory because readily available ass is fantastic. But this is Spring Break, and readily available ass is being shoved down your throat. Plus, you'll never amass the ridiculous moments and memories that you would if you weren't dragging all these lead sleds behind you at all times. Convince your other friends of this, break off from the pack, and leave your buddy with the girlfriend for dead. If worse comes to worse, you can always trounce a familiar puss late night. But don't make it your first option.


8. Buy Some Duty-Free Booze
As Omar eluded too in his post, a lot of all-inclusive resorts won't serve-up straight shots. So this is one way around that. More than anything, though, this is a fine way to keep the party going in Number 1's room after hours.

7. Don't Drink the Water

Water is great for you. In fact, it's essential if you don't want to someday piss stones out of your dickhole, but take this week off from drinking the brand that comes out of a tap. Instead rehydrate with bottled water, sports drinks, vaginal squirts, and more beer. We mention this because most foreign tap water, not just Mexico's, will make your stomach cry bloody murder and turn your asshole a sludge factory.


 

6. Bring a First-Aid Kit
I never had the foresight to plan for disaster, but several other guys in the office insist that some kind of first aid is a must. I'm not sure exactly what kind of medical skills the layperson has but I think you'll be fine if you pack Advil, aloe, band-aids, pong balls, a handful of morning-after pills, and a road flare.

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5. Room with the biggest nut job in your friend circle
You can live with a thoughtful human being when you get back to school. On Spring Break, it's all about the madness, so you want to align yourself (and room) with the craziest mother fucker your gaggle of friends has to offer — so long as that guy is also an obsessed puss hound and doesn't murder your game. This is always key, unless you can…


 

4. Get Your Own Room
If you can swing it, do it because you literally have nothing stopping you from having sex whenever you want. That is, nothing except your own miserable game. If you room alone and you still manage to find a way to not get any ass, you should be forced to put your dick in a Mexican glory hole.

3. Never Buy Club Tickets
Two reasons: the clubs are often terrible and the “ticket” is never enough to get you in. That's not to say “don't go to clubs ever” but in some destinations they aren't worth it and you can do enough work at your resort.

 

2. Don't Go to Anything MTV Related

Anything MTV does is never as fun as it looks on T.V. You want to see your favorite artist perform or be in the audience of a 30-minute TV show? Prepare to lose valuable hours from your life and trip. Friends of mine once made this mistake on our first trip to Cancun and I didn't even need to hear how horrible it was from their mouths… their sun-poisoning and forced sobriety told me everything I needed to know. Not sure if all MTV events are like that, but they didn't let them move or drink the entire time they were there. That's some bogus shit if you ask me.


 

1. Don't Get in Fights with the Locals or the Cops

If your lifelong dream is to blast a Mexican in the face with your fist, you're probably a deranged individual. However, Mexico is not the place to fulfill that dream. From what a friend of a friend told me, after he spent one night as a third-world inmate, he'd rather get fucked in the ass in a U.S. prison for an entire year than do it again. So yeah, either foreign prisons are really that bad or he is that into sodomy. 

Oh and one last thing: buy and consume all of your drugs in the country you go to. If you don't finish it all, just cut your losses. Shitting out a balloon is not as fun as it sounds.