Spring Break may have already started for some schools, but for the vast majority of colleges and universities, it is still a few weeks away. And the anticipation at those schools is likely palpable -- if it's not, something has gone terribly wrong with the world. Right now, guys are beginning to think about all the inhumane shit they are going to do in foreign lands, while women are thinking about whatever the fuck it is that women think about (fingers crossed that includes pre-trip waxing). Either way, everyone who is going somewhere is definitely getting amped while those who are staying back at school are either an athlete or poor. Tough break.
A few years ago, I crafted a list of chicks you'll run into while on spring break, and this year I thought maybe we can actually assist the quality of your trip. Everyone in our office has been on enough Spring Breaks to know some shit about the topic. So we figured we got this in the bag. Plus, if we put our heads together we basically have a full set of chromosomes. We're going to spare you the obvious things your father probably already said to you: fuck anything that walks, spend the entire trip intoxicated, and carry a concealed shank when you leave the resort. Instead, we'll offer up some potential ways to enhance your trip. In no particular order:
9. Don't Bring Girls of Any Kind (and Ditch Those That You Do Bring)
Should this be #1? It sure could be, but I never like to rank anything and it's so fucking obvious that I don't think it should be. This isn't always necessarily your fault; maybe you're a victim of circumstance, like the athletes and poor kids stuck at home, but maybe your buddy, the dickless wonder that he is, can't shake his girlfriend so not only is she tagging along, but the eternal cunt wants to bring all of her friends too. This seems great in theory because readily available ass is fantastic. But this is Spring Break, and readily available ass is being shoved down your throat. Plus, you'll never amass the ridiculous moments and memories that you would if you weren't dragging all these lead sleds behind you at all times. Convince your other friends of this, break off from the pack, and leave your buddy with the girlfriend for dead. If worse comes to worse, you can always trounce a familiar puss late night. But don't make it your first option.
8. Buy Some Duty-Free Booze
As Omar eluded too in his post, a lot of all-inclusive resorts won't serve-up straight shots. So this is one way around that. More than anything, though, this is a fine way to keep the party going in Number 1's room after hours.
7. Don't Drink the Water
Water is great for you. In fact, it's essential if you don't want to someday piss stones out of your dickhole, but take this week off from drinking the brand that comes out of a tap. Instead rehydrate with bottled water, sports drinks, vaginal squirts, and more beer. We mention this because most foreign tap water, not just Mexico's, will make your stomach cry bloody murder and turn your asshole a sludge factory.
6. Bring a First-Aid Kit
I never had the foresight to plan for disaster, but several other guys in the office insist that some kind of first aid is a must. I'm not sure exactly what kind of medical skills the layperson has but I think you'll be fine if you pack Advil, aloe, band-aids, pong balls, a handful of morning-after pills, and a road flare.