College. It's a truly magical time in a person's life. Brains are filled with knowledge and the girls are lookin' to get filled with boners. It's a time for new experiences and fantastic memories. Flowers are blooming and STD's are booming. Young people go to college with the hope of injecting their lives with 40 cc's of awesome. Few things shape a person's life quite like the classic college experience. You've done your research, you've bought plenty of rubbers and you know tons of stuff about college. Well, stop being so f**king cocky and let us gently impregnate your brain with 10 things you DIDN'T know about college.
In Every State But Utah, Women Outnumber Bros
One of the obvious things everyone loves about college is the fact that girls use this period of time to cut loose and do a little gamblin' with their meat-wallet. Add that to the fact that women outnumber bros in college by sixty percent which gives you great odds in the "Will I ever get to use my dick?" category. There is only one state where guys outnumber those sexy sexy ladies... the giant sausage fest state known as Utah. Which of course is just reason number 1,089,534 to NEVER set foot in Utah.
Kalamazoo, MI Has 99 Problems But College Tuition Ain't One
Whether it's the media or lawmakers, the issue of the outrageous cost of furthering your education is relentlessly in the limelight. That of course seems bizarre since it appears no one is really doing anything about it. Well, one seriously badass, rich bro has taken it upon himself to stand up and wave his middle finger towards the life-abolishing weight of student debt. Every student in Kalamazoo, Michigan has their tuition paid for by an anonymous donor. This demonstrates the true power of giving a practitioner of the bro-code fat stacks of cash.
Stephen Spielberg Took 33 Years To Go To College, Like a Boss
Despite the fact that Mr. Spielberg should be dragged by wolves into a multi-cultural tribunal to answer for what he did to Indiana Jones, he still has a high ranking among badasses. Spielberg, like many students came to a point where he needed a break. His break was about 33 years. He finally graduated in 2002 and actually turned in 'Schindler's List' to take care of his student film requirement--which probably enraged that weird and disturbed, but kinda hot Cello-playing emo chick that turned in a black and white film of a possum carcass decaying to ancient Scottish bagpipe music.
Tuition is a Real Asshole
There are a truly depressing amount of incredibly gifted bros who will never get a shot to reach their potential by going to college due to the exorbitant amount of money it costs. The cost of college is so high, you now sincerely have to weigh it's pros and cons against that of being a famous sitar-playing jam band singer/record producer. Things have gotten completely out of control in regards to the cost of education, in fact tuition has increased up to 3 times the rate of inflation since 1978, which has resulted in less money for bros to tap into for things like dinner, movies and other things that facilitate the tapping of an ass.
An Imaginary Student Who Started As A Joke Has Earned Multiple Degrees
Pranks are a true art for the college bro. Whether it's coating someone in powdered sugar or by crudely drawing genitalia on the passed out--bros love a good prank. Some pranks shine much brighter than others. Georgia Tech was subject to a prank by a student named William Smith. In 1927, he was accidentally provided with two enrollment forms. The first one, he of course used for himself. The second one he used to make a fictitious student named George P. Burdell. Burdell has become a serious tradition at Georgia Tech. He's earned practically every degree offered by the establishment, has served as a Board of Directors member for 'Mad Magazine,' and even earned himself a Time Magazine Person of The Year Award in 2001.
Going To College With Will Ferrell Didn't Suck
Will Ferrell got his rise to fame as a standout hilarious performer on the American entertainment staple that is SNL. He has created countless characters that are both beloved and heavily quoted by all bro-kind. He's not a person who has to try that hard to be funny. It goes without saying that partying with him in college would have been a true riot. Will Ferrell used to break the monotony of his bros' classes by dressing as a janitor and walking into and cleaning the classrooms.
There Are Only 6 NASCAR Drivers to Graduate From College
What comes to mind when you think of NASCAR? Is it the bone-shattering speed of those wicked metal beast cars? No. Is it the action packed nail-biting action of the race? Nope. What pops into your brain when your thought pattern happens to travel into the realm of NASCAR is the image of a 500 pound, mullet-sporting, cross-eyed freak with a full pair of tits on their back and teeth that what make George Washington say "What the f*ck, bro?" So it probably comes to absolutely no surprise that there are only two drivers in all of NASCAR that graduated from college. Ryan Newman, Jennifer Jo Cobb, Brett Bodine, Bill Lester and Leillani Munter are the only edu-macated drivers in NASCAR with degrees.
Dr. Seuss Liked to Party in College
If you read the works of Dr. Seuss, it's hard not to wonder if he was on some serious hallucinogenics when he was writing them. His mind definitely thought in unconventional ways. While in college at Dartmouth, a student named Theodore Geisel was a contributor for the college humor magazine. He was caught wettin' his wasted whistle with some general genius juice called gin. He was forced to resign from the paper, so he continued getting drunk and started writing under the name Dr. Seuss.
ESPN Once Commentated A College Couples' Handjob Experience on TV
South Park has dubbed the handjob a "good ole' fashioned." This is an appropriate term for handies. It's like the butter-churning of sexual activity. It's the naughty move of the girl who never bought her train ticket to Pound Town. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Even ESPN knows that. They once filmed and acknowledged at UTEP couples journey through the woods of Jerkin.' At UTEP, knowledge of a good ole' fashioned is considered school spirit.
Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore Were College Roommates
One of the wonderful things about college is that it forces you into living situations with people you typically wouldn't be able to relate to or have no interest in kicking it with whatsoever. This makes you evolve as a person. Two people you would never have expected to find playing beer pong together are Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore. Well, they in fact were college roommates together at Harvard. They actually became bros and Jones presented Gore's nomination speech at the 2000 Democratic Convention. How awesome would it be to be a fly on the wall while those two were gigglin' and sharin' bong-rips?