6. All People Are Disgusting
If you’ve followed this column, you’ve probably figured out that half the time I’m describing a “type” of person I am actually describing a former roommate, friend, or that really annoying kid named Steven from a class I once took, who you could always use as a preface for the eye-catching game.
Given that shit would cut WAY too deep for this particular topic, you know who you are. And you know what I’m talking about.
7. You Should’ve Majored In Business. Unless You Are in the Nationwide Cult of Pre-Med
Aside from the phenomenon that is #DoctorsEatingSubway (AKA my lifelong side-project/greatest tumblr never made/eventual best selling photo-book), there is really no point of majoring in anything other than something business-related if you’re looking to graduate and contribute to society.
The funny thing about college is that like any other long-standing institution, it will never admit it’s outmoded. The mass of people like me floundering around our 20’s with no skills other than commenting extensively about the fact that we have no skills is a nice side-show, but most of us are really just holding off jobs that involve starched shirts and human resources departments due to our choice to not be qualified for shit right off the bat. Granted nobody's really qualified, but this is an easy way to weed most people out.
8. Don’t Use Your Favorite Non-Alcoholic Drink As a Chaser/Mixer
Blue Powerade now tastes like vodka.
9. Status Is Relative
We all know that kid from rural whatever, who had no idea how the built-in college system (pre-established via watching Entourage, teen tours, and a loose series of mutual friending via summer camps and the like) really worked. For the first few weeks they were probably both fascinated and disgusted by this weird version of existence that doesn’t occur anywhere outside it’s own self-absorbed bubble. But then, they realized that infiltrating this world was the key to advancement, girls, and could provide you with a really solid time.
So they joined a frat, or similar social group. And because they weren’t a dick, all the girls really liked him. And because all the girls really liked him, dudes realize it’d be a good thing to be associated with him. And a few years later, the shy kid from nowhere Missouri becomes the “most successful” of them all. His parents and hometown won’t get it, but again--different world.
10. How College Is By No Means Preparation for “The Real World”
Because even though those last two years in college will be strikingly similar to this video, they actually expect us to have responsibilities when we graduate.
And to that we say, no thanks.