College
by Lance Pauker on February 20, 2013

 

1. Whatever It Is, It’ll Somehow Get Done

Yes there’s the whole “email your professor for an extension” route, but there’s only so many times you can play that card. Back up against the wall, you learn that no matter what has gone down the past weekend, how much alcohol may currently be harlem-shaking in your system, or how badly you want to never leave the shower, the final product will somehow magically appear right at the deadline. Its quality may be another story, but the point is that it’s done. It always gets done.

2. There Is a Shit Ton of Time in the Day

All of which will be spent doing highly productive things like watching “House of Cards,” talking about being hungry, asking other people if they’re hungry, figuring out what food you want, going on seamless, forgetting that you’re hungry because 10 Reasons Why You’ve Gotten Absolutely Nothing Out of This Article Consisting Solely of GIFs You’ve Already Seen, remembering that you’re hungry, wondering how people could possibly afford anything because a simple meal costs $13, and taking a nap. Only to be woken up by who the fuck knocks that…oh yea, the delivery guy.

3. The Lyrics to Drake Songs

Are you the guy currently walking around the house in only boxers, uttering the phrase “started from the bottom now we here” about 95 times per day? If so, good for you.

4. Good vs. Evil vs. Somewhere in the Middle 

Most people come into college with homegrown-based perceptions of what’s acceptable, what’s not, and what determines who is the sort of person you want to be associated with.

But then you get drunk and do shit, and that shit is not in accordance with what you were told was “good” or “bad.” Cheating on someone is universally considered terrible, but that’s not necessarily a choice reflective of their entire self. Yes, you shouldn’t hook up with people you shouldn’t, but science says that every choice you make has equal reactions, positive and negative. Being there for a friend means you’re inevitably not devoting enough time to someone or something else. You could only be a good person to so many people without inevitably screwing someone over. And oftentimes, if you’re so hellbent on pleasing everyone, that person will be yourself.

5. Extreme Is Always Better, Until You Get Too Extreme

#Truthbomb time: In any college roommate relationship, you want to be the one who goes to sleep later, drinks more, and overall is more aggressive and excessive in every aspect of life–this prevents you from ever having to waste your life being a constant caretaker, having your routine compromised, or being passive aggressively angry every waking moment you’re in that room.

But go too overboard and…rehab!

college coinage pic via shuttershock

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6. All People Are Disgusting

If you’ve followed this column, you’ve probably figured out that half the time I’m describing a “type” of person I am actually describing a former roommate, friend, or that really annoying kid named Steven from a class I once took, who you could always use as a preface for the eye-catching game.

Given that shit would cut WAY too deep for this particular topic, you know who you are. And you know what I’m talking about.

7. You Should’ve Majored In Business. Unless You Are in the Nationwide Cult of Pre-Med

Aside from the phenomenon that is #DoctorsEatingSubway (AKA my lifelong side-project/greatest tumblr never made/eventual best selling photo-book), there is really no point of majoring in anything other than something business-related if you’re looking to graduate and contribute to society.

The funny thing about college is that like any other long-standing institution, it will never admit it’s outmoded. The mass of people like me floundering around our 20’s with no skills other than commenting extensively about the fact that we have no skills is a nice side-show, but most of us are really just holding off jobs that involve starched shirts and human resources departments due to our choice to not be qualified for shit right off the bat. Granted nobody's really qualified, but this is an easy way to weed most people out. 

8. Don’t Use Your Favorite Non-Alcoholic Drink As a Chaser/Mixer

Blue Powerade now tastes like vodka.

9. Status Is Relative

We all know that kid from rural whatever, who had no idea how the built-in college system (pre-established via watching Entourage, teen tours, and a loose series of mutual friending via summer camps and the like) really worked. For the first few weeks they were probably both fascinated and disgusted by this weird version of existence that doesn’t occur anywhere outside it’s own self-absorbed bubble. But then, they realized that infiltrating this world was the key to advancement, girls, and could provide you with a really solid time.

So they joined a frat, or similar social group.  And because they weren’t a dick, all the girls really liked him. And because all the girls really liked him, dudes realize it’d be a good thing to be associated with him. And a few years later, the shy kid from nowhere Missouri becomes the “most successful” of them all. His parents and hometown won’t get it, but again–different world.

10. How College Is By No Means Preparation for “The Real World”

Because even though those last two years in college will be strikingly similar to this video, they actually expect us to have responsibilities when we graduate.

And to that we say, no thanks.

 

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