College
by Lance Pauker on September 19, 2012

We’ve all had our encounters, and we’ve all walked away from them more and more baffled about everything we thought we once knew. In that spirit, here are some markers that have made our interactions with the female Greeks all the more memorable: 

(Note: Sorority girls are of course, GORG, and the collective is not necessarily indicative of the inividual)  

1. “Ugh…I Know”

The thing about being associated with 70 other girls who also have blonde hair and have similarly convinced themselves that they’re more attractive than they actually are, is that it’s often easy to get lost in the pinnie-wearing pack. If you’re currently a freshman girl vacillating as to whether or not this is the thing for you–fear not. You can thank your kind in advance, as they have conveniently thought of a way to make you drastically different than everyone else.

Simply say the words “ugh,” followed by “I know” after anything that may be considered “typical,” and you are in the clear. It’s foolproof.

2. Whatever Recently Happened Was Pretty Terrible

They’ve had a long week–it was five days just like everyone elses, and they had to send three longish emails they didn’t anticipate sending. What was worse than that, the big bad ex took like four hours too long to respond to a text, which is pretty brutal considering the other guy who’d probably work out better in the long run (but is kind of a dweeb) has finally had enough. And to top it all off, it rained once.

3. You’re Actually Texting Them

Admittedly, the Golden Age for this has since passed, with the BBM now riding off into a sunset hopefully not filled with RIM CEO’s with college-aged daughters. The iPhones have obviously brought with them a new set of textiquette, but let’s also not discount G-Chat. For many a graduated Kappa, this is LITERALLY the only reason they can get through the day. Like. I’m not even joking. You think I’m joking.

4. Hand Signs

Sororities are pretty much the same thing as gangs, the only difference being no sorority girl has ever ventured near, let alone heard of, public transportation. In that spirit, they will blitz you early and often with Delta triangles, Theta teeth things, and weird symbols for DG. The wars are often brutal, but come on.

5. You Are Talking To More Than One

Think long and hard about this one. Unless you were hooking up, on a date, or taken hostage by someone who went ape sh*t trying to disprove this theory, has there ever been a time where you talked to one of these specimens WITHOUT the presence of her gum snapping, eye-rolling, hair brushing-back support group?

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6. All Guys Are Douchebags, Except 50% of the Male Population They’ve Refused to Believe Exists

While in college, you will often find many a girl complaining about how there aren’t really any guys who want to ask them out on an actual date, how dudes are really just all about doing it for the story, and how they're are completely “done” with boys from (insert your school name here).

These notions, of course, are mostly myth. It’s simply that “the other half,” is overwhelmingly less social, not ensconced in the upper-echelons of the collego-statusphere,  and often don't have the family background that deems it acceptable for women to have 55 pairs of winter boots.

7. You Have Been Pre-Screened

Funnily enough, the most difficult part of talking to a sorority girl is passing the arduous test that comes prior to ever talking to them in the first place.

In order to be granted permission to converse with the holy princesses hailing from Greenwich Academy, Pine Crest, New Trier, and Great Neck South, you must past a series of hurdles dealing with how hot you look on Facebook, who your mutual friends are, how douchey your friends look (the douchier, the better), and how much you give a f*ck relative to whether your family means enable you not to give a f*ck. Furthermore, a male must secure at least three friend recommendations, particularly if he’s not at least an 8.5. 

8. Intelligence

Contrary to popular myth, many a sorority girl becomes an intelligent and productive member of society. Yet, if this is an article that’s going to exploit stereotypes for pageviews, there’s not really a debate as to the group’s collective street smarts.

In any given five minute conversation, you will likely conclude that it’s kind of amazing that you two attend the same school. The most common deficiency is lack of geographical knowledge, which can typically be put in exercise when studying abroad. Read: don’t be shocked if the AEPhi down the hall can’t totally locate where you are on a map.

9. NOT At a Group Dinner

Group dinners, it seems are becoming quite the theme for these types of articles. (Last week, it was discussed that its generally a good play to feign busyness, and show up calculatedly late).

This week, group dinners apply to the fact that despite being scheduled by your friends girlfriends roommate (whose been looking for a boy much longer than she’s wanted to), the table's girl contingent will spend the entire dinner talking to themselves. Of course this is really just their loss, as your side will frustratedly forfeit any inklings of giving a f*ck, and proceed to get as drunk as possible.   

10. Cultural Tastes

F*ck the news. Pretty Little Liars, dawg. And I know I'm clinging to a lost cause here, but Dan from Gossip Girl really needs to stop. Such high hopes for him.

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