For the first few weeks, things only get worse. Sunlight wanes, due dates pass without that last-minute extension you were banking on, the mercury plumbs cruel new depths and then one night, your girlfriend gets tipsy and confesses that she “kinda-sorta” blew her ex-boyfriend on New Year’s Eve. You hit rock bottom. The only thing keeping you warm at night is the flask of SoCo you keep under your pillow and a blurry nip-slip .gif that may or may not be Kate Upton.
And then one day, the fog suddenly lifts. Some freshman girl braves the weatherman’s prediction of “scattered thunderstorms” and shows up to recitation with her chest puppies spilling out of a crop-top she seems to have stolen from her kid sister. Scattered thunderstorms, indeed — in your dorm-room the following Friday night, after you accost said girl at a mixer and romance her with your own signature blend of insults, petty lies and a heavy pouring-hand.
Next thing you know, it’s March. The sweet smell of horse-shit issues from every flower bed on campus. And you know what? You embrace it. Suck it down like a baby to his mother’s teet. That’s the smell of scantily-clad babe, torn-up brackets, lax-season and urine-stained kiddie pools. It’s a smell we all associate with the best time of year: Spring.
Here are 10 reasons to love it:
10. Sleeveless Saturday
If you and your bros don’t celebrate this Rite of Spring, you should probably start.
Step 1: Troll EBay for rare throwback gems all winter, e.g. an Alex English rainbow-city Nuggets jersey.
Step 2: Wait for the weather to permit comfortable lounging sans sleeves.
Step 3: Host a proper daydrink every Saturday.
Step 4: Don’t allow anyone into your house who isn’t dressed for the occasion. This will require at least one among you to become the designated “sleeve-eater.” To identify himself, the sleeve-eater should wrap all the neutered sleeves he accumulates around his arms, neck and head.
“I've got Spring fever, Baby!”
9. March Madness
My professors always shot me a ton of skeptical looks during tourney time, mostly because they noticed I was awake for a change. Note to the wise: screaming “Fuck you, Redick!” with both hands raised in the air is not an acceptable response to any question related to Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave.”
8. Lawn Games
Welcome to the collegiate Olympiad. Competitions include horseshoes, ladderball and cornhole. Each participant must be in possession of a beer at all times, resist overhand throwing motions and exit the arena with a weird sunburn from passing out with a red-cup affixed to his person.
7. Halter Top Day
The Sports Guy has long touted the glory of that elusive day each Spring when it’s finally warm enough for girls to don the outfits they know we like best: sundresses, camisoles, jorts, and yes, the mythical halter top.
6. Lax Season
(In the voice of “Planet Earth” narrator Richard Attenborough) Pinnies pressed, sticks strung and cabbage coiffed, the men’s lacrosse team emerges from hibernation. As if by coincidence, the supply of beddable babes on campus seems to have bottomed out overnight.
5. Horse Races
For those of you unfamiliar to the mid-Atlantic region of our purple-mountained and majestic country, there exists a culture of debauchery there each Spring in a place you’d least expect to find it: horse races, traditional summer pastime of the landed gentry. The Preakness boasts perhaps the most raucous of all horsetrack-infield ragefests, replete with an all-day event called the Running of the Porta-Potties.
4. Field Day
Or Quad Day, or whatever you called it. At my school it was dubbed Georg*tow* Day (letters omitted to maintain anonymity). Anyway, staff members begrudgingly ladle beer to students, which students in turn get obliterated and stain the walkways with their vomit. Wide-eyed prospective freshmen on campus tours search for dotted lines to sign while their parents turn red in the face.
“Hooray, it's SPRING!”
Baseball’s star may be fading relative to its place as the undisputed favorite American pastime just a few decades ago, but as far as in-stadium experience goes, it still knows no equal. You can always get a grin out of a bored left-fielder if you heckle loudly enough, and seven innings is still plenty of time to get FUBAR off of overpriced pints of Coors Light.
If there were ever a woman who could resist a man tending a grill, she was probably a lesbian.
1. Spring Break
Am I the only one who openly weeps when I peruse photo albums of college spring breaks past? Enjoy it while it lasts, kids. Someday you’ll be dragging the twins around an amusement park staffed by registered sex offenders dressed as cartoon characters while your wife picks a wedgie out of that block of Feta she passes for an ass.
I want more like this!
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