Another semester may be just around the corner, but you're still not going back. Instead, take solace (or pity) in the following:
1. Sweaty Rec. League Basketball
Remember when you were around 10 years old, and you’d see gangs of 20-50 year old men arguing ruthlessly over fouls? Remember how despite the fact that 2-3 people were ridiculously good, the only thing you could really focus on was the baffling amount of old guy sweat soaking up half the court’s t-shirts?
Yep. You’re in that game now.
2. Financial Friend Bracketing
Your poor friends get off on the fact that they could buy meatballs, pasta, sauce, and parmesan cheese for the amazing price of $6.95, and even have some left over. Your rich friends aren’t happy unless they go somewhere that drowns out general conversation and spend money on endless shots, the item which validates their current lifestyle of contemplating whether or not to use coke in order to get through the tough work evenings.
The relative equilibrium of parent's money in college is (for the most part) no longer, and it’s sadly our financial constraints (or lack thereof) that make the singular road forge into two. Your poor friends of course, will martyr themselves on the one contrivedly dedicated to that Robert Frost poem.
3. Platinum’s the New Natty
I wrote about this in relative detail last week, but Bud Light Platinum is basically a beer for people who were used to being the kings of the college landscape (via Frathouse Lording) and feel a strong desire to maintain their “Platinum” life status.
This of course, provides a nice contrast to the ex-Fratlord’s current situation, a 25K gig as a thankless talent agency assistant monkey.
4. House Cleaning
In college, it was almost a badge of pride to see how long your house could without addressing the rising sewer formally known as your kitchen. There’s still of course traces of the glory days, but they’re increasingly becoming just that.
5. Crutch Addiction
For most people, this is usually simple and straightforward. Coffee. Five Hour Energy. Some sort of tea that’s easy to make fun of just cause it’s tea.
But for those who subscribe to the “funemployed” lifestyle, the sky is really the limit here. Weed sure, but maybe the lack of job has funneled into a sudden passion for splatter painting. Or a sudden interest in Carl Sagan videos. Or, most likely, the pursuit of completely memorizing IMDB.