Dim lights + a lot of alcohol + bar etiquette + being in college = a lot of pretty funny things. 

1. The Passive-Aggressive Toast

Mostly occurs when trying to pick up a girl--watch her lips tighten as she raises the shot glass to your somewhat elegant toast, pretending to be not thrilled at all that she’s getting drunk for free.

It’s only until you casually reference some strange, unintentional mutual friend connection that she’ll deem you acceptable. The pre-screen approval--even if it’s out of order--is always crucial.

2. Eisenberging

Did you know that if you dissociate yourself from a top-of-the-line club and think deeply about life for 10-15 seconds, you’ll automatically go on to “do big things?” Jesse does.

3. “You First”

Watch as three/four dudes stand the exact same distance away from the bar, promptly deferring the bartender’s head nod to another group member. The least douchey person will eventually succumb, shelling out the cash for the first round. For the others, its a “how many rounds do we think we’ll have?” game of strategic order placement.

**Note that in a group of 3-4 people, it’s always best to go second. It makes you seem generous initially, and it’s almost guaranteed that you won’t have to pay for another round--even if you do get another at-bat, it’ll almost always be usurped by the rich friend who’s really adamant about buying shit when he’s drunk.

4. Excessive “Shotzzz” Shit-Talking

You know this all too well. If you ever get tired of this, just suggest Tequila*--the heightened “Bro...Bro” reactions are bound to hit every possible place on the enthusiasm → fear spectrum.

*Andy Moore and myself are currently writing a future Tony-winning play called “Bros and Tequila,” so we won’t elaborate on this any further. But just you wait.

5. The Friend-Lurk

Occurs primarily when there is a ratio disparity of any sort (2/1, 3/2), AND the excess member does not know the other side. Homie will be trying to get his game on, body language clearly thrilled that he’s cool enough to be talking to someone he didn’t enter the bar with.

The friend though, not so lucky. And if he’s resorted to the lurk, it likely means (a. his/her friend isn’t exactly the best at making introductions, and (b. he/she is not exactly the most proactive homie themselves. A difficult hole to climb out of, most definitely.