From a raging standpoint, the differences between upperclassmen life and the entry-level world are remarkably slim. This makes the distinctions between the two that much more noticeable, and that much more hilarious. As it is my humble duty to prep the Bros of the World for what to expect on the booze-soaked battlefield week in and week out, I present to you the 10 types of girls you’ll meet at a Post-College bar:
1. The Husband Hunter
The evolved version of the college equivalent, the boyfriend chaser. Like the evolved form of any species, the Husband Hunter is that much more fierce, and that much more determined. If you thought her standards were outrageously high when she was in college, just wait until you see the checklist she’s got nowadays.
The fatal flaw of the husband hunter is that she has never once enjoyed herself while out. Her triple-digit salary minimum is only outflanked by her height, weight, and hair length requirements. Typical signs of Husband Hunters include constant disapproval of guys not even looking in their direction, the word UGH, and making unfounded generalities about the “types” of boys who reside in large areas.
Catch Phrase: Why can’t I find a Murray Hill boy whose NOT a douchebag? UGH!
2. The PR Trio
PR Trios consist solely of girls who attended Indiana, Wisconsin, and Emory, and moved to a city (almost always New York) to work in PR despite having little idea what PR actually is. While nobody really knows what these gals do during the day, PR girls dominate the sh*t out of the night.
A solid trio will consist of one anchor (girl in a committed relationship), another girl whose either “seeing someone” or cheating on someone, and a single girl who, due to overwhelming peer pressure, has no choice but to not sleep in her own bed. The entire night–beginning with the $30 all you can drink sushi-sake bomb dinner–will revolve around getting the single girl to not leave the bar with them. The quality of guy the single girl goes home with is not allowed to be judged, because its been a long week and she “deserves to have a little fun.”
Catch Phrase: Right? For once, don’t you think I deserve to have a little fun?
3. The Cabbie’s Best Friend
The Cabbie’s best friend is named as such for the following reasons:
a. She is above such plebeian activities as walking five blocks and/or public transportation
b. “Everyone’s at that bar. We should go there. I mean I know we just got here five minutes ago and came all the way downtown, but this place is…no one fun is here.”
c. She has taken up chatting with cabbies for sport and/or to prove to herself that she has a wildly rebellious side. This also leads to inflated tips.
Catch Phrase: Everyone’s there. Everyone.
4. The Drink Non-Sipper
The complete guide to being an expert drink non-sipper:
1. Stand close to bar, and determinedly do not make eye contact with anyone that’s not your phone
2. Get approached by guy who has no intention of hiding his chest hair
3. Refuse his initial offer to buy you a drink. Only accept when he insists.
4. Smile fleetingly (but do not say anything) when he hands your drink.
5. Have three sips of your drink. Avoid laughing at his jokes at all costs, no matter how funny they may be.
There is a TREMENDOUS chance that the Drink Non-Sipper is originally from Los Angeles–specifically Brentwood, Bel-Air, or the Palisades. Unless you are Afrojack, her even hotter friend, or her gay friend whom she LOVES, there’s very little chance she will consider you worthy of her time.
Catch Phrase: I think I’m ok, thanks.
5. The Unnecessarily Aggressive Sports Fan
Her “look at me, I’m a girl who knows more sh*t about the Phillies than you” shoulder-chip will probably increase exponentially at this stage of life, due to the fact that she’s probably living somewhere other than her hometown. There’s also a solid chance she’ll underscore her usage of male endearment terms, primarily dude and Bro.
Catch Phrase: Dude. F*ck Papelbon.
6. The Wasted Winner
Her inebriated state will finally prompt her to rip her best friend to shreds for never being happy for her while she was dating John, and for not supporting her during the “really rough” breakup. The fight will ensue as long as she’s standing, though that will eventually cease to happen. At which point the best friend will have no choice but to carry the wasted winner home, earning back all the friend-cred she lost by thinking John was a douchebag.
***The wasted winner is also highly prevalent on college campuses. However, since the roommates fighting have made “the leap” and are now living together in the “real world,” the fight has an heightened sense of importance.
Catch Phrase: You can’t EVER be happy for me, can you? (sobbing)
7. The Moral Compass
There is a decent chance she’s been locked down for awhile. And while there’s no doubting she’ll make an excellent mother, she’s undoubtedly a dude’s worst nightmare.
It happens something like this. You meet a girl, she’s cute, and she’s down to “go back and check out your place” (you wonder why the f*ck anyone has to sugarcoat it anymore, but you follow protocol). Your girl then proceeds to have the “conference” with her girlfriends–the usual three minute giggle-laden jaunt to the bathroom where your girl asks the others if she should hook up with you, even though she actually doesn’t want her friends to answer for fear of them not thinking he’s cute. The Moral Compass however, will lecture your friend about how its REALLY BAD to go with SOME GUY YOU just met to an apartment IN A DIFFERENT CITY, and that ITS NOT DOWN THE STREET ANYMORE, like it was in college.
Catchphrase: Do you have any idea what you’re doing Chrissy?
8. The Intelligent Idiots
These are girls who went to very good colleges–often Ivy League schools–yet are seemingly incapable of having a conversation consisting more of six words. Despite their solid GPA’s and prestigious financial consulting jobs, they haven’t texted a lowercase letter in 3 years. They’re generally very outgoing–often too outgoing–and their downfall is often the over-aggressiveness in which they pursue their male counterparts. Males find them first intriguing, then scary, then devilishly manipulative. It remains unclear if this species is a victim of her own genius, or simply her own idiocy.
Catch Phrase: STOP. OHMYGOD, STOP IT.
9. The Ca$h Calf
Ca$h Calf-hood is essentially graduate school for jersey chasers. While jersey chasing is certainly part of her current syllabus, her hook-up assignments now extend to anyone of financially favorable celebrity and/or private equity hombres. She shares many similarities with the Husband Hunter and Drink Non Sipper, though her extreme hotness and Playb*y-esque outfits have a much higher success rate into luring unsuspecting young rich folks into signing prenups. For a devoted Ca$h Calf, divorce may eventually be just as much a goal as marriage. She has never worn an outfit that covers more than an eighth of her thigh, but gets strangely offended by the constant stares directed her way–especially if the perp has a net worth under $400K.
Catch Phrase: Honestly, I have no idea what they say. I only hear rumors.
10. Ms. “The Music Sucks”
Although this species exists within every age bracket, it is at the post-collegiate level where she hits her prime. Given the fact that she now has a job, she’ll remind everyone quite a few times that this was all she was looking forward to the entire week. And now that it’s here–and “One Direction” is nowhere near the loudspeakers–sh*ts about to hit the fan.
Far and away, these are some of the worst people you’ll ever encounter in a social setting.
Catch Phrase: You think I should say something? I'm gonna say something.