Post-College Bar (n): A late-night establishment located in a major city, where 21-24 year olds congregate and do the exact same thing they did two years ago, except that now there’s a few people who don’t charge everything to their parents’ card.
From a raging standpoint, the differences between upperclassmen life and the entry-level world are remarkably slim. This makes the distinctions between the two that much more noticeable, and that much more hilarious. As it is my humble duty to prep the Bros of the World for what to expect on the booze-soaked battlefield week in and week out, I present to you the 10 types of girls you’ll meet at a Post-College bar:
1. The Husband Hunter
The evolved version of the college equivalent, the boyfriend chaser. Like the evolved form of any species, the Husband Hunter is that much more fierce, and that much more determined. If you thought her standards were outrageously high when she was in college, just wait until you see the checklist she’s got nowadays.
The fatal flaw of the husband hunter is that she has never once enjoyed herself while out. Her triple-digit salary minimum is only outflanked by her height, weight, and hair length requirements. Typical signs of Husband Hunters include constant disapproval of guys not even looking in their direction, the word UGH, and making unfounded generalities about the “types” of boys who reside in large areas.
Catch Phrase: Why can’t I find a Murray Hill boy whose NOT a douchebag? UGH!
2. The PR Trio
PR Trios consist solely of girls who attended Indiana, Wisconsin, and Emory, and moved to a city (almost always New York) to work in PR despite having little idea what PR actually is. While nobody really knows what these gals do during the day, PR girls dominate the sh*t out of the night.
A solid trio will consist of one anchor (girl in a committed relationship), another girl whose either “seeing someone” or cheating on someone, and a single girl who, due to overwhelming peer pressure, has no choice but to not sleep in her own bed. The entire night--beginning with the $30 all you can drink sushi-sake bomb dinner--will revolve around getting the single girl to not leave the bar with them. The quality of guy the single girl goes home with is not allowed to be judged, because its been a long week and she “deserves to have a little fun.”
Catch Phrase: Right? For once, don’t you think I deserve to have a little fun?
3. The Cabbie’s Best Friend
The Cabbie’s best friend is named as such for the following reasons:
a. She is above such plebeian activities as walking five blocks and/or public transportation
b. “Everyone’s at that bar. We should go there. I mean I know we just got here five minutes ago and came all the way downtown, but this place is...no one fun is here.”
c. She has taken up chatting with cabbies for sport and/or to prove to herself that she has a wildly rebellious side. This also leads to inflated tips.
Catch Phrase: Everyone’s there. Everyone.
4. The Drink Non-Sipper
The complete guide to being an expert drink non-sipper:
1. Stand close to bar, and determinedly do not make eye contact with anyone that’s not your phone
2. Get approached by guy who has no intention of hiding his chest hair
3. Refuse his initial offer to buy you a drink. Only accept when he insists.
4. Smile fleetingly (but do not say anything) when he hands your drink.
5. Have three sips of your drink. Avoid laughing at his jokes at all costs, no matter how funny they may be.
There is a TREMENDOUS chance that the Drink Non-Sipper is originally from Los Angeles--specifically Brentwood, Bel-Air, or the Palisades. Unless you are Afrojack, her even hotter friend, or her gay friend whom she LOVES, there’s very little chance she will consider you worthy of her time.
Catch Phrase: I think I’m ok, thanks.
5. The Unnecessarily Aggressive Sports Fan
Her “look at me, I’m a girl who knows more sh*t about the Phillies than you” shoulder-chip will probably increase exponentially at this stage of life, due to the fact that she’s probably living somewhere other than her hometown. There’s also a solid chance she’ll underscore her usage of male endearment terms, primarily dude and Bro.
Catch Phrase: Dude. F*ck Papelbon.