We all know that most college learning takes place outside the classroom. You could even make the argument that your weekend ragers, various social gatherings, and bedroom excursions ARE in fact your classroom--the places where you'll accrue the most valuable life lessons
Below is a list of shit you'll probably do. Here's what you'll get out of them:
You can read about all the ways in which your school is drastically misrepresented here, but the primary purpose of orientation is to prevent any real embarrassing police reports while everyone’s parents are still there.
In another life, the icebreakers and diversity training sessions could actually be semi-interesting and worthwhile. Except, of course, the fact that interest cedes to eagerness, and eagerness is a HUGE no-no when it comes to the tackling the insecurities of freshman year. Why be interested in something when that cool kid you just met might think it's the shittiest thing on this side of his Michigan ID? Way too risky.
- When in doubt, act like you’re above institutional norms. This can only backfire when everyone else is given enough time to formulate their own opinions. Four days is never enough, so you’re good here.
2. Vodka-Only Dorm Pregame
In which you haven’t totally decided if you want to spend the next four years with the kids currently taking Burnetts to the face in your dorm room. They’re cool, but clearly there’s something a bit off here. Also, what is it with the girls just talking to each other until they’re drunk enough to forget that they came into this trying to play hard to get?
- Without alcohol, the concept of a “Middle School Dance” applies well beyond middle school.
3. Unplanned Hookup in a Public Place
If you do this right--meaning, you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing as it's happening, are half terrified that you might get kicked out of school if you're discovered, and have scored a girl that isn’t a complete aesthetic catastrophe--you’ll have cemented a solid go-to “craziest night in college” story for the rest of your life.
**The spontaniety of this is crucial--and gets harder to pull off as the years progress.
Calculated honesty is highly rewarded here. Know what you could get away with. If she blew you
in the somewhat dark, out of the way corneron the stage of the main assembly hall, that’s what happened.
4. The First Non-Acknowledgement
Going through college and remaining in contact with all the people you’ve sloppily hooked up with--even if only on a “hey what’s up” passerby basis, is damn near impossible. Therefore, it’s very important to pretend like you don’t know the person that just walked by you. Otherwise, you may have to spend the next two years debating whether or not to look up from your phone every time they're remotely in your vicinity. Not a hole you want to dig yourself into.
- There are things that could be put off until the last minute. This is not one of them.
5. Thinking Your Friend Might Die
You’ll likely be on both sides of the coin--but because you won’t remember the tails part we’ll focus on the heads.
He may not have any color left in his face--and dumping water on his head may not do anything to wake him up--but thank Mr. Jesus he’s still breathing. A feat so phenomenal, it makes you want to celebrate with an entire bottle of...oh, right
- While this isn’t something to put on a babysitting resume, bitch please with claiming your nine year old is a piece of work. Hospital Level Drunk Kids = East Detroit’s mean streets of babysitting.