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10 College Traditions That Weren’t Meant For Bros

By / 11.27.13

From an outsider’s perspective, bro culture must appear to be less advanced than a group of lemmings, with debauchery and mayhem spawning directly from guys following each other to new moral lows.

As a result of all this disciplined obedience, you get copious amounts of shit and vomit everywhere, an increased amount of work for strippers across the country, and a booming number of arrests for actions that aren’t possible when the mind is sober.

With that said, I say screw that outlook. It completely ignores the fact all of those outcomes derive from civil unrest, or the general denial of societal norms. It’s s also a completely limiting stereotype — bro’s are individuals too!

Moreover, the way a bro handles himself — his attitude, his wardrobe, his behaviors, his beliefs — is a far reach from how a “cultured” member of society would act, and therefore should be considered non-conformist.

Finally, although the idea of a traditional bro has become a trend over the years, the way bros operate day-to-day doesn’t change whether or not they’re with friends or not, meaning bros uphold their distinct originality even when they could slip into a more conventional lifestyle.

Applying what we just learned, here are 10 college traditions bro’s are going to avoid because everyone else has done them and will continue to do them as long as college exists…

Student government

Unless you can pre-game it, there is a 0.0% chance bro’s will get involved. In fact, chances are that even if drinking before student government was allowed in some bizarre alternate universe, bro’s still would not be in attendance. It’s student government for Christ sakes. If a bro has the choice between talking politics or smoking his bong, he’s going with the bong every single time. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.

Campus tour guide

These tours are usually conducted first thing in the morning between nine and noon and involve a bunch of 16, 17 and 18 year olds with nosy and snotty parents. If there are two things bros are going to avoid at all costs in college — other than politics — it will be waking up before noon and talking with prospective parents while hung-over.  Add in the walking all around campus factor, and I put the chances of a bro becoming a campus tour guide at — shocking — 0.0%.

Stay awake for 24 hours straight

I am laughing out loud at anybody who is this committed to undergraduate studies because it is a complete waste of time. Bro’s don’t study for a combined 24 hours in total during their four years of college and they seem to be able to graduate on time — or a year or two later. This begs the question, why is pulling an all nighter a college tradition in the first place? College students are supposed to learn and have fun, not slave away staring at calculus formulas and trying to memorize information they’ll forget just as soon as the test ends.

Unless you’ve experimented with a drug that stimulates you and keeps you up all night, I think everyone should try to get the recommended at eight hours of sleep regardless of what life-threatening test awaits you in the classroom.

Protest

You think Jack Johnson protests? Absolutely not, brah. He just surfs and records music all day, and that’s the ultimate protesting method.

Making a big ruckus over something that is inexplicably annoying yet completely unchangeable is about as anti-bro of a move as one can make. And don’t get me a wrong here; protesting is as American as apple pie, but bros just have other stuff they’d prefer to do (see: the aforementioned bong).

Explore other cultures

It sounds insensitive and evein somewhat reclusive, but where some see college as a time of discovery and experimentation, bros see it as a time to do what they want and when they want. Normally, that hardened agenda doesn’t provide time for much diversity, which is ironic because in their seclusion of campus traditions, bros end up having a lot of fee time that they could use to do a wide-range of activities such as join the Asian Pacific Island Club. Speaking of…

Clubs

Clubs are probably the last place you’ll find bros and that’s a good thing because it’s probably the last bros would ever want to end up. It’s this balanced ledger that allows clubs to exist on campus in the first place. Otherwise, bros would try out all sorts of clubs, forcing the “normal” kids into exile and they would never be able to learn all those good lessons about diversity and equal rights. And nobody wants to see this happen because we’d become a society of ignorant bigots. Oh wait, we’re already there.

Paint your face and/or body

Face painting may be stereotyped as bro behavior, but that’s a total misconception. First off all, this practice is a staple tradition of pretty much all colleges regardless of how good the football team is – or if one exists at all – which means that there is a built in bro rebellion against it. Secondly, a majority of the people who wear face paint are trying to hide how little they know about the sport and masquerade around loudly and colorfully to impress girls who don’t care about the sport too. Thirdly, and most important, face paint requires you to have some amount of school spirit, which most bros don’t have.

Freshman floor camaraderie 

This is probably one of the worst college traditions out there, yet somehow a majority of college students each year get roped into “loving their freshman year floor.” God, what a load of crap – just because you live in close proximity for nine months doesn’t mean you have to go have coffee with them every other weekend during your sophomore year. Bros buck this trend early on by building their sect and never branching away from it. And if they do, it’s usually to try and bang the hot chick three floors down. Any other reason is just inexcusable.

Marching band

Some bros are musically talented — guitar, drums, keyboard. However, none of those instruments translates into joining the school’s marching band, and for good reason. Why? Because if you participate in the marching band, then you’d have to spend Saturdays soberly playing the trumpet in front of 100,000 obnoxiously wasted people who are too belligerent to notice what you’re playing or if you’re even playing at all. Best-case scenario you set the mood in the stadium and the team wins. Worst case: you end up wasting away every Saturday of your college life and regret it less than five years later.

On a similar note, signing along to your school’s alma mater is also very not bro.

Sit in on a class purely out of interest

I didn’t know this existed until I was talking to a friend who told me about this chick — going to be the grown up and not specify her race, but I’m sure you can guess it – who was going to his class every day but wasn’t enrolled in the course. For all I know, this is a college tradition that happens at universities across the country. If it is I can tell you one thing for sure – bros won’t ever be a part of it. 

Hell, going to class more than 50% of the time (BONUS)

On a similar note, bros don’t like to partake in going to class much at all, and seeing it’s the oldest college tradition there is, it’s just another example of something that bros aren’t meant to do while at school. It’s ok guys, there’s always taking a dump on your buddy’s floor when he’s passed out from long night of drinking. 


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Steve Coulter
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