College
by Andy Moore on December 5, 2012

10. The Best of 'I'm Shmacked'

What was your favorite slightly irresponsible yet totally enjoyable and New York Times-approved “I'm Shmacked” video from the year?

Colorado?

Indiana and Afrojack?

Michigan Welcome Week?

Florida State with Drake and A$AP Rocky?

Alabama?

Or a different one not on the list?

9. University of Colorado Protestor Pulls a 'Leeroy Jenkins' During Smokeout

Unfairly buried by the hundreds of college articles we've written since April 20th, this UC bro and his “Fight the Man” mentality needs to be featured one more time this year. After Norlin Quad—typically the scene every year of a massive school-wide smoke-out—was closed off to students this April, our hero was caught on camera unsuccessfully trying to get his fellow students to rush the quad in protest. When no one joined him, he takes matters into his own hands, and all he was missing was a classic Leeroy Jenkins yell.

8. Commencement Speeches

The best we saw this year came from “Moneyball” writer Michael Lewis, who delivered a humbling message to Princeton grads that reminded us to be thankful of what we've been given and to “not eat Fortune's Cookie”…

… and the funniest came from Andy Samberg, whose Harvard Class Day speech featured a Nicolas Cage impression, Adele's “Someone Like You,” and a surprising amount of jokes at the expense of the professors and students in the crowd. “Muffy, is he poking fun?”

7. Canadian Student Pays College Tuition in Coins

We've all seen the extra fees that make up college tuition, and we've all been shocked by how the extra charges start to add up. Mount Royal University student Devin DeFraine decided one fee—the $60 extra he would have to spend if he wanted to pay for his tuition with a credit card—was just too much. So, he paid in coins.

“If they're gonna nickel and dime us, I'm gonna nickel and dime them,” Defraine said.

6. UC Berkeley's Nadia Cho Writes the Student Paper Columns of the Year

Depending on how you look at it, Nadia Cho was either a ballsy student writer giving The Daily Californian enough page views to fill a semester's ad budget, or she was higher education's most visible attention whore. We're leaning toward the former. (And, while we're on the subject, the chick really should have been paid for those page views.)

BroBible featured one of her more salacious columns this year—a farewell piece which reads like Karen Owen musings made intentionally public. Cho's topic? A detailed analysis of how many places on Berkeley's campus can one girl can actually have sex in a 24-hour period. Her findings? A lot of places!

I’ve always had the cliched fantasy of having sex in Main Stacks, so we wasted no time in heading there first. The trick to doing it in Stacks is to go at a time when there won’t be a lot of people studying at the same time and to pick a section of books that people won’t ever think to look up. Like the British Royal Academy archives.

We decided that, out of the millions of books in the library, the shelves full of books on religion seemed like the best place to fuck. We moved the adjacent shelves to block our location so that we couldn’t be seen from the rows on either side. I liked having our shelves of choice close to each other so that the setting was nice and cozy.

 

J. Camm writing about the column is still the most visibly excited any of us have ever seen him at the office. (Except, maybe, for that day he discovered what Spotify is.)

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5. Military Academy Gangnam Styles

“Gangnam Style” this year wasn't really an ear worm as much as it was an ear parasite, a thing that burrowed into your brain and thrived by constantly repeating itself in between your ears, turning your day into a constant battle to keep the “OP, OP, OP, Oppa GANGNAM STYLE!” lyrics from consuming your life.

Some college kids didn't fight the battle against Psy's ear parasite. They embraced it and created lip dubs. I'm referring mainly to our nation's future military officers.

First there was this number by the U.S. Naval Academy:

And then there followed the U.S. Military Academy's version:

And then, not to be outdone, came the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy lipdub:

And, finally, the phenomenon found its fitting end here— a lipdub that wasn't performed by a military academy, but is worth mentioning because it's the worst thing in the history of the world:

4. NYU Replyapocalypse

A technical snafu turned into one of the all-time greatest email chains in college history. After Max Wiseltier accidently hit “reply-all” on an NYU email he meant to forward to his mom, hundreds of other students spent the day bombarding their classmates inboxes with Nicolas Cage pictures:

Requests for DVD copies of “Good Burger:”

And film proposals:

Mercifully for those involved, but unluckily for all of us enjoying the disaster from afar, the problem was quickly corrected.

3. Girl Films X-Rated Video in Cornell's Library

For anyone who spends a good amount of time in the school library, this was the story for you. Cornell's library this year became the scene of a cam girl filming herself doing the deed on, uh, herself.

The guys at Ivygate found an interesting post today on Cornell message board “Ezrahub” that appears to be a video filmed in Cornell's engineering library, Carpenter Hall. Said video is by a blonde chick filming an x-rated webcam show. Why didn't we ever stumble upon this in college?

HyperVocal has more details on the incident. Apparently the girl has been narrowed down to Cameron Knight, who is not a student, just a girl who likes to crash libraries and pleasure herself.

 

After gaining some notoriety online, the story blew up. Cornell's student paper even reported on it, with a university spokesperson, amazingly, not giving a no-comment and instead calling it “pretty sick.”

As for us, a few months later, we're still on the border with this one. Yeah, I guess it's nice to think that things like that go on in libraries—but, c'mon, someone had to sit there afterward.

2. Email to Vanderbilt Econ Professor

This was one of the best tips we received all year, via that depository of priceless information, the Fraternity Listserv. A sophomore at Vanderbilt took his econ education to the real world, emailing a well-respected professor to get his thoughts on what the most rational course of action would be in his pursuit of a “top-heavy blonde bombshell.” It's worth including in whole.

XXXX,  I found your analysis interesting. But the reasoning could have been a bit tighter and, given the potential rewards, I would hate to have you make a bad decision here. On the other hand, perhaps the benefits of learning from a bad decision would far outweigh the benefits received right now from a good decision. See my comments below in [bold italics]. I am glad that economics is helping your love life.

Hey there Professor,

My name is XXXX and I'm a sophomore in your class. I have been keeping up with the readings, participating in class and taking the self-quizzes. I feel like I have a strong grasp of the concepts that we have discussed. So, in order to get ready for our test on Friday, I have decided make some economic decisions in the real world. 

I was hoping that I could get your feedback on my reasoning in this situation that has come up. If the girl that I am talking to starts playing hard to get, is that a bad economic decision on her part? [If she knows that you will put forth more effort and the ultimate benefits for her are significantly greater, it is rational for her to play hard to get.]

I know the first thing that you need to know is: how does she look? I'll refrain from adding any attachments, but if you take my word for it, she's a ten. We're talking top-heavy blond bombshell – certain back trouble in her future. The problem I see though, is that she is making the costs of me pursuing her. I have to invest a lot more time into the relationship. [As stated above that may be in her best interest. Even if she loses you.]

My attention span is an elastic good. Between class and house parties and intramural softball, my time has a very high opportunity cost. [Give your opportunity cost, perhaps continuing to pursue her is not a rational action.] Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but there are a ton substitute goods in this freshmen class. [Good point. That should put limits on your willingness to pursue.] I know we haven't covered incentives yet (the potential rewards of staying with her), but is the supply of my time spent on this female expected to decline? [Yes, there are diminishing returns. But just because they diminish does not mean you should stop pursuit.] Were these last few weeks just a sunk cost? [And yes, absolutely! They are sunk. Don't continue just because of past efforts. However, to complicate things-- just a little more effort may pay off in a big way. And pursuit of a new target may cost a lot more than continuing this pursuit for just a bit more.]

It'd be great if I could get your feedback before the tailgate on Saturday. [Does all that help or hurt? What should I tell her, if she sends me questions?]

 

1. Butt Chugging Press Conference

This story is now two months old and if you read this site at all, you're fully aware of the events surrounding it. However, we think the details are worth repeating: A Tennessee fraternity member got in trouble for nearly dying after “butt chugging” boxed wine, and then his lawyer—a wonderful, wonderful lawyer who was so kind to people who write on the Internet—decided his best possible course of action was to hold a 10-minute press conference, on campus, to deny said claims of “butt chuggery,” mainly by saying the word “butt chug” as much as possible. Adding to the absurd, Monty Python-esque levels of comedy? The bow-tied'd lawyer sounded EXACTLY like Foghorn Leghorn, if Foghorn Leghorn were a lawyer who was a little too preoccupied with defending the heterosexuality of his client.