Sex tapes are big business these days (hell, a movie JUST came out on the subject), and that means that every Grade Z celebrity has decided to take the Kardashian plunge. And usually, sad as it may be, it works. Between horny dudes and the morbid curiosity that lies at the dark heart of the rest of us, these sex tapes usually end up with more viewers than the Super Bowl. Of course, the results tend to be somewhere between “I can’t tell what’s going on,” and “I hate myself for watching this,” but no one really cares about the quality, do they? No, they just want to see some idiot debase themselves for a few minutes on a grainy, shaky feed that looks like it was filmed on the moon. What can I say? We’re a complex and dignified people.
But despite the powerful lure of schadenfreude and shame boners, there are some celebrity sex tapes that absolutely no one wants to see. They are less sex tapes and more “human suffering tapes.” These are the tapes they show at Gitmo to break the will of hardened terrorists. These are the tapes that make you question the existence of the soul and of a just and loving god. They are nine sex tapes that absolutely no one wanted to see.
9. Vince Neil
It worked for bandmate Tommy Lee, but let’s face it, that’s because Tommy had Pamela Anderson and could steer the boat with his dong. That’s going to attract some interest. But Vince Neil on the other hand just seemed like a sad case. Sure, he’s still a rock star, and he managed to pluck a willing partner from the pages of his favorite jerk rag, but anything “starring” Vince Neil after about 1992 is something no one wants to see, especially if that involves seeing his paunchy ass all red and sweaty, thrusting up and down, and… see, even the description makes you want to turn away, doesn’t it?
Look, most of the people on this list are dudes. Let’s just get that out of the way. That is because dudes are gross, and no one wants to see that shit, not even randy ladies. Horny bros, on the other hand, are willing to give just about anything with a vagina, no matter how hideous and malformed, a chance. Chyna may be the one exception, mostly because thanks to years of alleged steroid abuse and a, uh, unique look, no one is really sure what she’s got going on down there. It’s not fair, and people will find that hideously offensive, but that still doesn’t change the fact that not even the most hardened sleaze wanted any of that. And the rest of us? Well, hearing that her partner was none other than Sean “X-Pac” Waltman was enough to tip the scales from “Uh, no thanks,” to “Dear God, kill it with fire!”
7. Johnny Carson
Yes, this is a thing that allegedly exists. It hasn’t been leaked or sold yet, but apparently there is a tape of Johnny Carson and one of his wives getting frisky. And let’s be honest, this would be a lot like finding a sex tape of your grandparents boning down. No one on Earth wants that, especially when you consider that there is a nonzero chance that a tipsy Ed McMahon will be watching from some dark corner, laughing and shouting “Yes!” every time Johnny, uh, hits the punch line.
6. Gene Simmons
Gene Simmons is a rock star. Wait, check that… Gene Simmons, the painted wild man of Kiss, is a rock star. Gene Simmons, the dude, is just some creepy old guy who looks like he has to see a shrink 3 times a week and smells like a combo of old sweat and sadness. No one wanted to see that dude grunting and groaning like a wounded wildebeest while some poor lady ducks and covers underneath him like she’s in an earthquake drill. He could have made the Citizen Kane of celebrity sex tapes and no one would have wanted to see it.
5. Fred Durst
Not even Fred Durst’s wife wants to watch a Fred Durst sex tape. This was basically the low point of human culture. I’m surprised aliens didn’t immediately rush in to exterminate us once this got out into the universe. Sure, the lure of making Limp Bizkit puns is tempting, but frankly we can all make those jokes without actually watching it, can’t we? I mean, it’s Fred Durst, if he’s not going to put in the effort to be anything other than, well, than Fred Durst, then we don’t have to go that extra horrible mile to make jokes. Besides, there are Geneva Convention rules against this sort of thing.
4. Hulk Hogan
This is a near senior citizen with an artificial hip and orange, leathery skin. If he wasn’t famous, that would be the sort of thing you’d see for $2 in some horrible Tijuana brothel. The only reason anyone would want to watch this is to see if he stopped selling the sex for a minute, bugged his eyes out, shook his head like a wild man and then pointed in utter indignation at his partner before going to town. Let’s all just agree that this is exactly what happened and we can all move on without ever thinking of it again, okay?
3. Tom Sizemore
This is just gross. And it’s not just gross because Tom Sizemore is, well, gross, it’s gross because it’s basically watching a sad, old drug addict do sad, old drug addict things. There is not a human being alive who got excited at the idea of watching Tom Sizemore get sprung all over some poor lady. Not one. Even Tom Sizemore was probably sickened a little by it. Not even he wants to imagine himself having sex.
2. Dustin Diamond
Well, at least it wasn’t Mr. Belding. No, but really, this is not something that anyone ever wanted to see, or something that anyone ever thought they would see. I mean, it’s Screech. Screech, for God’s sake! There are just some things that make you ashamed to be a part of the human race, or to have a functioning brain capable of complex thought and understanding, and this is one of them. This is the sort of thing that will make our brains collectively de-evolve so we don’t have to comprehend a Screech sex tape. Yes, Screech having sex is what will lead to a real life Planet of the Apes, only the apes will be us.
1. Verne Troyer
Verne Troyer is a weird, creepy baby-sized dude who looks like he eats rats he catches underneath the docks. I know that’s really mean and unfair and blah, blah, blah, but don’t sit there and tell me with a straight face that you have any desire to see that dude getting all raw up in a lady, okay? I get that we’re all born different, and some more different than others, but… no, just no. Forget a sex tape, they should have sold this as the latest installment in the Faces of Death series. I’m sorry, Verne, the idea of you having sex on camera has ruined my capacity for empathy and human emotion. Jesus, I need a shower.
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