Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Related: The 50 most entertaining celebrities to follow on Twitter
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Is there a different word for thesaurus?
— jim jefferies (@jimjefferies) June 9, 2014
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Check a thesaurus.
Just passed a crazy bum on the street ranting about vaginas and I scoffed: "Hack". I'm better!
— Dino Stamatopoulos (@DinosThirdTwitt) June 9, 2014
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I have to say I like the crazy bum’s style though.
Direct quote – "I'm tired of apologizing for United, since we busted our ass to get here, but I'll do it one more time – we're sorry."
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 9, 2014
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A United pilot said that.
I respect whoever invented cottage cheese. Wait until milk gets chunky then dive in? Mmmm. Delicious!
— Jay Mohr (@jaymohr37) June 9, 2014
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That did take balls.
I can gauge how my day is going to go depending upon how many tries it takes me to get in to the parallel parking spot
— Jena Sims (@jenamsims) June 9, 2014
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That’s a scary measuring stick.
This is the week I figure it all out
— Jake Johannsen (@Jakethis) June 9, 2014
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Let us all know when you do.
It's all fun and games till Clifford the Big Red Dog takes a shit.
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) June 9, 2014
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How come that was never in the books?
wtf is up with all you shifty fuckers who say you're from "the Bay area"? Why so afraid to be more specific?
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 9, 2014
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Yeah, man up, people.
Idea: dogs that catch bullets in their mouths because dogs are faster than bullets.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) June 9, 2014
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Probably NOT the best idea, but A for effort.
I just held my finger down on my iPhone to copy a note, then put my finger on my iPad as if I could transfer information via my finger.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 9, 2014
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Bet she’s not the first to do that.
The best way to avoid criticism is never do anything ever. Or, do what you love, have a great life & let others waste their time criticising
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) June 10, 2014
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One of those things…
I don't care for people who gossip..I would out the ones I know but I don't want to gossip about them
— Kirstie Alley (@kirstiealley) June 10, 2014
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Nice save.
I hate when monster movies front-load the scariest parts. Bryan Cranston's wig shouldn't have appeared until the end of Godzilla.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) June 10, 2014
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Spoiler alert!
I like to hold a handshake for 3 seconds too long, moan loudly and then roll over and fall asleep. Ppl get a kick out of it.
— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) June 10, 2014
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Trying that this weekend.
It annoys the h_ _ _ out of me that so many in twitter universe rip @KingJames He handles his stardom ala Jeter with PRIDE ! A true #CHAMP
— Dick Vitale (@DickieV) June 10, 2014
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Surprised he just didn’t say H-E-double hockey sticks.
i am going to shoot a series called "james deen is gonna ass fuck your mom"… mark my words, this will happen
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) June 10, 2014
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We can hardly wait.
I turned on ESPN to check out the NBA Finals postgame. Stephen A. Smith yelled at me. Back to NBA TV and Chuck and Shaq.
— Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch) June 11, 2014
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Shocking.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 11, 2014
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Fact.
Models don't just stand around all day.
Sometimes they sit dramatically on a very uncomfortable chair.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) June 11, 2014
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Also fact.
The vet put a little camera down my dog's ear canal today, and we watched on a screen. Angelina Jolie was in there. She's everywhere.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) June 11, 2014
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Was she adopting a child in there?
Girls on diets talk about food the way nerds talk about Star Wars. #So #Worked #Up
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) June 11, 2014
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How does she know how nerds talk about Star Wars, hmmm?
Have they announced Cantor joining Dancing with the Stars yet? Let me know when they do.
— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) June 11, 2014
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Oh, it’s coming.
The Clintons feel your pain unless of course they happened to cause it.
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) June 11, 2014
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They’re nice like that.
I haven't heard from my dance crew in three yrs & I'm starting to become concerned
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 12, 2014
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It’d be even funnier if this was true.
The Iraq War and shaving off pubic hair have been the worst American transgressions of this new millennium.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 12, 2014
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Both are travesties.
I don't know, maybe I'm just too beautiful for this Golden Corral.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) June 12, 2014
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He’s probably right.
Today I tried to wipe a spec of chocolate off my face, but it was a beauty mark. I hadn't even eaten chocolate. This is the end.
— Kat Dennings (@OfficialKat) June 12, 2014
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Nice knowing you, Kat.
Please do not contact or disturb me for the next 32 days. #WorldCup2014
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) June 12, 2014
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Soccer fans, amirite?
Colin Cowherd talking about the globalization of soccer today reminds me of Lindsay Lohan on bitcoin in Argentina.
— Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch) June 12, 2014
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Wait, what?
Between all the shootings and Bill Murray showing up in random places, I don't feel safe going anywhere.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) June 12, 2014
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That Bill Murray is such a menace.
My Fucken spelling is third grade level.
— Andrew Dice Clay (@TheRealDiceClay) June 12, 2014
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Yet we still somehow understand you.
Yo Netflix, why you gotta put me on blast about what I watched recently?
— Jordan Peele (@JordanPeele) June 13, 2014
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Seriously, stop rubbing it in.
Oh, Jimmy Fallon, you fucking sellout.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) June 13, 2014
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Tell us how you really feel, Wil.
There’s a very large array of radio telescopes in New Mexico. As seen in the film Contact. We call it the “Very Large Array"
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) June 13, 2014
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Is that the scientific term?
Love Chris Berman but not for golf. Like dumping whiskey on a poached egg. Wtf.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) June 13, 2014
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Oooh, that’s bad.
Why 98% of the people deserve to go fuck themself?
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) June 12, 2014
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Have a great weekend, everybody!