Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Related: The 50 most entertaining celebrities to follow on Twitter
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The offers are pouring in. Just opened a Val-Pak.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) May 19, 2014
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That really is a good day.
Took a selfie during that selfie song. I think it's time for the intervention.
— Jena Sims (@jenamsims) May 19, 2014
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No doubt about it.
I know I can't RT a compliment, but can I favorite one? Can I quote one in a response? Subtweet?! What are the fucking rules?!?!
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) May 19, 2014
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#celebritytwitterproblems.
The invention of chocolate @LuckyCharms is my early pick for best moment of 2014. Thanks @GeneralMills!
— Johnny Weir (@JohnnyGWeir) May 19, 2014
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Agreed. That’s going to be tough to top.
Sometimes blocking doesn't feel like enough
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 19, 2014
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There needs to be an “I hate you” button.
jennifer lopez is a bore
— Roseanne Barr (@therealroseanne) May 19, 2014
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Well at least she didn’t call Angelina Jolie a bore.
angelina jolie is too
— Roseanne Barr (@therealroseanne) May 19, 2014
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Oh, never mind.
Can't sleep. Had a nightmare Robin Thicke sang the theme song to 'Growing Pains' at the #BBMA to try and get his wife back.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 19, 2014
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Scary.
In fairness y'all, Kendall Jenner almost read that whole intro. READ, KIDS!! #imtheworstreader #theyreworthmillions #killme
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) May 19, 2014
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I do believe #killme was the appropriate hashtag for that tweet.
ALERT: If you have a boring personality I'm not sure a tattoo on your foot is going to help.
— Jeff Ross (@realjeffreyross) May 19, 2014
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It can’t hurt though, right?
I have to admit I've gotten some pretty inspiring quotes off instagram feeds of girls who comment on my ex's photos
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) May 20, 2014
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More proof that you never know when inspiration will strike.
The next Jurassic Park movie should take place on an island where they’ve revived a working Blockbuster Video.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 20, 2014
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Way too unrealistic.
Tomorrow they're shooting an episode of Rizzoli & Isles in my apartment building. I knew this move to LA would one day pay off.
— Megan Ganz (@meganganz) May 20, 2014
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Next stop: starring in feature films!
I wish I could go back and re watch all of Breaking Bad for the first time again
— alexandria morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) May 20, 2014
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Don’t we all. Don’t we all.
I have PMS. This is what it looks like. I cried listening to a prank caller retire on Stern earlier. Now I'm in bed and angry at a blanket.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) May 20, 2014
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And once again I am glad I am a man.
The bad news is I locked myself out in my pajamas and no bra. The good news is my locksmith and I had a really nice heart to heart about LA.
— Meghan McCain (@MeghanMcCain) May 20, 2014
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Pics or it didn’t happen.
A guy just through his coffee at the cab driver of the cab I'm in. I bet he regrets it now that he realizes he has no coffee. #newyork
— genevieve morton (@genevievemorton) May 20, 2014
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Especially at those prices.
Women complain about period pains & contractions but don't know what it's like when someone scores in the 90th minute on FIFA to beat you.
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) May 20, 2014
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Did he read Jen Kirkman’s tweet?
I love exercising, but I’m afraid I’ll live longer.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) May 20, 2014
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Yeah, that would suck.
Did you see the Michael Jackson hologram at the Billboard Music Awards? If you have a prepubescent hologram boy, consider yourself warned!
— Joan Rivers (@Joan_Rivers) May 20, 2014
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Someone had to say it.
Winter is Coming, indeed. NFL awards 2018 Super Bowl to Minneapolis over New Orleans in final vote.
— Rachel Nichols (@Rachel__Nichols) May 20, 2014
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That should be interesting.
I'm so Fucken Drunk I parked my car at the wrong house. What a tru idiot I am.
— Andrew Dice Clay (@TheRealDiceClay) May 21, 2014
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Note to self: don’t drive on The Diceman’s street.
Cavs getting the first pick again is like Veruca Salt getting another golden Wonka ticket.
— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) May 21, 2014
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They too had a factory full of workers trying to get it for them.
Mumford and Sons is basically Coldplay with a banjo.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) May 21, 2014
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Uh oh.
The amount of rage that just came out of Mumford and Sons fans, and Coldplay fans, could destroy a small planet made from boring music.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) May 21, 2014
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And there it is.
"Girls. Don't sleep with any guys who don't love your podcast." – me, if I were a mother.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) May 21, 2014
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Solid advice I suppose.
The best title ever for a movie, besides "Neighbors" is "Blended." What is it about? Margaritas or coffee? I'm on the center of my seat!
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) May 21, 2014
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And yet Adam Sandler will still rake in millions somehow.
Someone please keep Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore away from each other.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) May 21, 2014
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Too late.
after talking to Hayden panettiere
for a few at a party,
I told her she was my fav Olympic gymnast & boxing is phony
— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) May 21, 2014
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I hope he’s being serious.
In the large drawer of celebrities, the Kardashians are the period panties.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 21, 2014
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Well stated.
No Drinking tonite. Some of you were very upset by that. But der will b some Fuckin!
— Andrew Dice Clay (@TheRealDiceClay) May 22, 2014
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Much better.
I apologize in advance for dressing up as Macklemore dressing up as a Jewish stereotype for Halloween 2014.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) May 22, 2014
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Please don’t give people any ideas.
I can't wait for there to be a cool new trend in hip new restaurants for having a font on the menu that's actually legible.
— Grace Phipps (@grace_phipps) May 22, 2014
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Never happen.
When someone treats you badly, it's a good time to turn the other cheek, so you have a clearer shot to fart on them.
— bob saget (@bobsaget) May 22, 2014
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I believe Confucius said that.
Where the hell is Wilmer Valderrama?
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) May 22, 2014
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Is he the new Waldo?
If you owned The Redskins, wouldn't you change the name just so people would stop talking about it? Enough already, Jeez.
— Jay Mohr (@jaymohr37) May 22, 2014
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No joke.
there is truly no name dropping with gyno appointments
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 22, 2014
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Gyno don’t care.
Texting and driving is completely illegal but it should depend on the text. If it's a great dick/nip pic they should totally let it slide.
— Jamie Kennedy (@JamieKennedy) May 22, 2014
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This is true.
My conversation with the checkout guy:
Me: How's your night?
Checkout Guy: 35 years of marriage has ruined me. I'm a broken man.
-Silence-
— Elizabeth Gillies (@LizGillies) May 23, 2014
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That’ll teach her to make small talk.
Woke up early to get a jump start on the day, forgetting that there was no point because eventually I'm going to die.
— Michael Cliven Black (@michaelianblack) May 23, 2014
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That’s the can-do spirit America’s made famous!
generic inspirational tweet
you can scroll past
— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) May 23, 2014
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I’ll take this over a real inspirational tweet any day.
The Derek Jeter can have the sex with whoever the fuck he want
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) May 21, 2014
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Have a great weekend, everybody!