Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
I must say that the best part of the #goldenglobes #ERedCarpet was the raw sewer pipe bursting on that carpet right before it opened!
— Kelly Osbourne (@KellyOsbourne) January 13, 2014
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No argument here.
Diane Keaton is one of those adults my mom would take me aside to warn me about before I saw her. #GoldenGlobes
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) January 13, 2014
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With good reason.
I'm worried that I might not hear the words 'sage' and 'muse' again until the Oscars.
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) January 13, 2014
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Don’t worry, the Grammys are coming soon.
The golden globes is a nice sleep aid
— Anastasia Ashley (@AnastasiaAshley) January 13, 2014
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Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
I'm going to wait till @Brooklyn99FOX comes out on DVD, so I have physical proof of when the universe hit rock bottom.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) January 13, 2014
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Not a fan, Andy?
plane rules are as follows…do NOT kick seats…middle seat gets both arm rests..and NEVER hang over armrest. I have an elbow in my area !
— Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry) January 13, 2014
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Any questions?
Why do men fall in love w their nannies & assistants? They're just subordinates who anticipate their every need ohh
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) January 13, 2014
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Light bulb!
Haven't been able to sleep since wondering if Shannen Doherty graduated from that online college.
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) January 13, 2014
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Yeah, where’s TMZ when you really need them?
Does anyone know a really shady place in LA that claims to give massages but is really just a front for sex?
It’s a gift for someone.
— DC (@DaneCook) January 13, 2014
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Some excellent Twitter responses to this one.
I had hoped Google was working hard to make gmail or search less clunky but, nope, thermostats.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) January 13, 2014
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Next up, vacuum cleaners!
Taylor Swift giraffe tits #WrestlingTVshows
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) January 14, 2014
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I’d watch that.
Take a shot everytime Miley tweets a pic of her dogs
— Alexandria Morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) January 14, 2014
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You trying to kill us all?
No bullshit I lost my phone at the movie theater when I went to see "Her." What's that called? Irony? Assholery?
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) January 14, 2014
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I think it’s the first one.
The #Oscars theme is movie heroes! Glad they specified the "movie" part. First I thought it was about sandwiches. That'd also be a good one.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) January 14, 2014
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And probably more entertaining.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber's house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can't make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) January 14, 2014
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That and Crocs.
Instead of going on a cleanse, eat thirty-nine Buffalo wings like I did last night. Cleans you out the same, just w/ a lot more stomach pain
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 14, 2014
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Alternative medicine.
RT @netlyte: FamilyGuy show kills off beloved Brian – Is this true? @SethMacFarlane // And the hare crosses the finish line at last.
— Seth MacFarlane (@SethMacFarlane) January 14, 2014
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Wow.
Holidays are really finally over for me – I finally took down the tree, put away the balls and smoked all my presents
— Bill Maher (@billmaher) January 14, 2014
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I want what he got for Christmas.
Last night, I was reading “Bridge to Terabithia” to my kids when Chris Christie showed up and shut it down.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 14, 2014
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He just doesn’t know when to stop.
Why go to college when you can walk into any insurance agent's office and look at motivational posters for free?
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) January 14, 2014
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Good point.
Police were unable to find any eggs to confiscate from Justin Bieber's home, so they did what they do best and arrested his black friend.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) January 14, 2014
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Just following their protocol.
You know in movies when someone narrowly saves the world, while nobody is aware of the impending danger?
What if that's happening right now
— Debby Ryan (@DebbyRyan) January 14, 2014
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Then we’re all fucked I suppose.
"Brony" documentary is fucking beautiful. I am now Bronystrong.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 14, 2014
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Bronystrong, indeed.
Night Twonks. "He's doing the face behind me, isn't he…" pic.twitter.com/gj2ADqfiow
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) January 14, 2014
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Love that cat.
You can tell how many naked photos someone has of themselves on their phone based on how much they freak out when they lose it
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) January 15, 2014
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This is true.
I mean, let’s get real on Cubs mascot nudity talk: Yogi Bear doesn’t wear a shirt or pants.
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) January 15, 2014
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Nor does Donald Duck – because he’s a pimp.
If porpoises are so smart how come they don't tweet. #idiots
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) January 15, 2014
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Yeah…
Wow. Just watched a crack deal go down. Next time I pick the restaurant.
— Kari Byron (@KariByron) January 15, 2014
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What kind of wine goes with crack?
Drug Lords are in control of the US government. A large number of drug lords are also sexually degenerated pedophiles.
— Roseanne Barr (@TheRealRoseanne) January 15, 2014
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The more you know.
Thank you @TheTanExpert for tanning me @fakebakeunited @SandraMcClumpha @VicFakeBake my amazing spray tan 🙂 x
— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) January 15, 2014
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That right there? 20 bucks.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
— Amy Weber (@TherealAmyWeber) January 16, 2014
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She has a point.
watching old episode of Keeping Up… OMG Kendall & Kylie look sooo little!
— Kim Kardashian (@KimKardashian) January 16, 2014
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Was there nothing else on TV?
We all know whoever wins the Oscar for Best Sound Mixing is gonna get so much sound mixing pussy it's not even funny.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) January 16, 2014
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Sound mixing pussy…sounds dirty.
Nigeria’s leader has banned same sex marriage. I’m not sending their prince any more money.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 16, 2014
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Boycott!
If I'm ever on life support, do me a big favor and unplug me.
Then plug me back in; see if that works.
— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) January 16, 2014
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Works for my router.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won't have that "nudie mag they found in the woods" experience. #culture
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) January 16, 2014
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Some things are simply lost to history.
I don't trust people that put ketchup on their eggs.
— Jay Mohr (@jaymohr37) January 17, 2014
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That’s just not right.
Goodnight Mcnugget tits
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) January 17, 2014
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Have a great weekend everybody!