Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
I never want to leave my bed
— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) December 9, 2013
Right there with you, sister.
The baseball HOF ceremony will take half-hour longer than usual when LaRussa swaps out right-handed presenter with a left-handed presenter.
— Rich Eisen (@richeisen) December 9, 2013
He’s not joking.
Since the airplane folk don't check if we are in airplane mode..it can't matter I am setting up fax machine, printer..
— Kenny Mayne (@Kenny_Mayne) December 9, 2013
Seriously, you could do that.
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) December 9, 2013
This just in.
For the record, I love the c word. Hardly a day goes by w/o at least 8 c-bombs dropped by moi. What I don't like is lack of creativity.
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) December 9, 2013
The devil really is in the details.
Cops are looking for the person who punched Barron Hilton, presumably to give him/her an Outstanding Citizen Medal.
— Jason Biggs (@JasonBiggs) December 9, 2013
Took my niece out of my will because she made a Billy Joel joke on Twitter yesterday.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 9, 2013
kanye may actually be jesus. he keeps telling us he is and we keep mocking him. also, i'm pretty sure he created a child without having sex.
— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) December 9, 2013
Food for thought.
i am watching one direction on some channel (i truly have no idea what it is, is this a show?) and i gotta say. if I were 12, it's on.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) December 10, 2013
just realized i'm still watching this so seriously someone just arrest me i am a danger to society and shouldn't live near schools
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) December 10, 2013
She’s got the One Direction infection.
How many "Hitler reacts to Tila Tequila expressing sympathy for him" videos are bring churned out as I write this? 6 million?
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 10, 2013
One would have thought so, but alas, no.
Tila Tequila is really ruining her family's good name.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) December 10, 2013
Is her mom’s last name Tequila too?
HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS???
— Stephen A Smith (@stephenasmith) December 10, 2013
Oh, Stephen, you scamp.
I can't wait till 2014 where I'll only accept kissing as a way of saying hello or goodbye whether you're a stranger or not.
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) December 10, 2013
Chad is going to have a very interesting 2014.
I have been down a black hole of google imaging "wombats". I highly recommend this giant waste of time.
— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) December 10, 2013
Now I have plans for the weekend!
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let's ruin both at once.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) December 10, 2013
Said every person who’s ever attended a lunch meeting.
I'll take a selfie at your funeral I don't give a fuck.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 10, 2013
Obama would agree with that sentiment.
Creepiest part of the in-flight safety video: they smile gleefully and say "your seat is also a floatation device!".. Like it's a fun idea.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) December 10, 2013
Yay! The plane crashed into some water!
No I definitely did not just spend the last fifteen minutes looking at Kardashian family Christmas cards
— Alexandria Morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) December 10, 2013
Just blocked someone on Instagram for saying pugs are ugly
— ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) December 10, 2013
As she should have.
The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show was tonight! Can't wait to see every woman on earth at the gym tomorrow.
— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) December 11, 2013
Best day of the year for a guy to go the gym.
The term combo in Combos Snacks refers to the fact purchasing the item is both a cry for help & an announcement that u are a lost cause.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) December 11, 2013
This is factually correct.
A fun morning activity is to go on Facebook and check all the new posts about how food, sunscreen, technology, & all things are killing you!
— erinn hayes (@hayeslady) December 11, 2013
More plans for the weekend!
Using "pussy" as an insult doesn't work being it's something I like. RT @SWEDEPRINCESS: uh what's behind that football… A pussy?
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) December 11, 2013
Point, Ocho Cinco.
I wish you could push a button and stop time. Some asshole would abuse it though, and we'd just be stuck on Tuesday for a really long time.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) December 11, 2013
I guarantee that would happen.
Facebook is anti semite
— Roseanne Barr (@TheRealRoseanne) December 11, 2013
And really annoying with all the email reminders.
Lindsay Lohan may sue Grand Theft Auto for using her likeness. Hmm. When Cooper was playing I didn't see a freckly drunk showing her cooter.
— Joan Rivers (@Joan_Rivers) December 11, 2013
bloopers at the end of movies are the worst. please do not show me what a hilarious awesome time you had making 5 million dollars.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) December 12, 2013
But it’s fun getting paid loads of money to pretend!
It's important to remember that pets riding skateboards are better than teenagers riding skateboards.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 12, 2013
Busy day. I've got a 10:30 Chisenbop lesson with the sign language interpreter from the Mandela Memorial. #dointhehandjive
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) December 12, 2013
What’s a Chisenbop again?
.@megynkelly Ok. Let me get this straight. You're saying Jesus and Santa are white. What about Lando Calrissian? He's still black, right?
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) December 12, 2013
No, he’s white too.
The “Wolf” of Wall St that kills & eats Leonardo DiCaprio in the film’s opening scene is brilliantly played by Helena Bonham Carter.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 12, 2013
Face-to-face sex with Patrick Ewing is the number one fear of all Americans.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) December 12, 2013
I did not know that.
If I had affluenza I would run over that rich drunkass kid who is claiming he had affluenza.
— Denis Leary (@denisleary) December 12, 2013
That’s my new go-to excuse.
You think you're hydrated? Bullshit!
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 12, 2013
Yeah, think again, people!
So far the only thing on my Christmas list is a dune buggy.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) December 12, 2013
Adding to my list…NOW.
Spider sighting in my room, threw a bowl over it… looks like I'll be sleeping in my living room. That's what u guys would do right?
— Stephanie Pratt (@stephaniepratt) December 13, 2013
THE ELF ON THE SHELF JUST MAKES CHILDREN WILLING TO ACCEPT THE SURVEILLANCE STATE WAKE UP SHEEPLE.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) December 13, 2013
The truth is out there.
Why isn't there a Jack Daniels emoticon?
— Meghan McCain (@MeghanMcCain) December 13, 2013
There really should be.
I can't wait to be a 40 year old woman.
— Elizabeth Gillies (@LizGillies) December 13, 2013
Friday the 13th
— Lauren Hanley (@LVhanley) December 13, 2013
Have a great weekend, everybody!
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