Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
The best sound in the world is when you point something out to the dude you're arguing with and you hear "Oh."
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) November 11, 2013
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It really is.
Blockbuster announced they’re closing all their stores. Now where am I supposed to go when I want to be alone?
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) November 11, 2013
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The post office?
I'm getting so tired of seeing devastation, anguish and bloody massacres on television, I might have to quit watching the Dallas Cowboys.
— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) November 11, 2013
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Sorry, Cowboys fans.
Pretty sure everybody is wrong about everything.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 11, 2013
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Pretty sure he’s right.
Nobody really gives a fuck about your problems except Minions… pic.twitter.com/YJRjkCjAyh
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) November 11, 2013
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Minions always have your back.
driving to work on a holiday is the best holiday. #notraffic #thanksveterans
— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) November 11, 2013
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That’s what they sacrificed for I believe.
Honoring all who have served. Happy Veterans Day. pic.twitter.com/LFP8SdBtPi
— Jamie Kennedy (@JamieKennedy) November 11, 2013
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TRUTH.
serious question.. does anyone actually ever use i phone head phones? like a razor blade for the ear hole… piece of shite.
— Kitty Lea (@misskittylea) November 11, 2013
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Kitty Lea: not a fan of Apple earbuds.
'Tis the season for Facebook updates from people in Massachusetts once again surprised that it's cold & snowing in the winter.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) November 12, 2013
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It always catches them off guard.
Gave up on hip hop when rappers stopped stating their names & telling us what they were there to say right off the bat. So convenient!
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 12, 2013
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Yeah, now we have no idea.
Celibacy heightens ALL your senses…
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) November 12, 2013
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Not sure how to take that, but I suppose that’s good.
CNN website says looking at computer screens can harm your eyes. Don't read this.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) November 12, 2013
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Their Web site, on the computer, said that.
Not only is today 11/12/13, but this November is the first month in over 400 years to contain SIX Saturdays.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 12, 2013
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Go look!
I've decided "favoriting" tweets is the ultimate twitter copout. If i'm your "favorite"….retweet or reply. That's all.
— Jeff Rossen (@jeffrossen) November 12, 2013
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He has a point.
Justin Bieber has the Tic Tac Balls
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) November 12, 2013
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Don’t ask how he knows, he just knows.
This holiday season it's important to remember that the mall Santa Claus has a human dick.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 12, 2013
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That is important to remember.
Having a hard time rooting against this Duke team. Too likable. Bieber needs to attend Duke games while wearing a Ferry throwback jersey.
— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) November 13, 2013
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That would simply be too much.
Dear college football: This is what happens when the best teams play each other in non-conference games. Everyone wins. Sincerely, Fans.
— Jeff Passan (@JeffPassan) November 13, 2013
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Preach, brother.
Hey y'all! Guess who just finished all their Christmas shopping?!?!? (Not me. I just wanna find out who to make fun of)
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) November 13, 2013
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That’s right, call them out.
i'm not calling it porn anymore… adult production, mature movie, over 18 love-a-thon, graphic depiction of sexuality, art for elders
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) November 13, 2013
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I’m down with this plan.
Jesus help me, I have succumbed to the Candy Crush.
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) November 13, 2013
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Jesus can’t help you now.
The only two jobs where you can admit to smoking crack and buying illegal drugs without getting fired are movie star and Toronto mayor.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 13, 2013
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What about Mayor of DC?
1 reason I'm not as successful as maybe I could be is I just spent the time to view 126 animal photo bomb pics online n feel fine about it.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) November 13, 2013
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That’s the old American work ethic!
Attention potential gentlemen callers: I have man hands. Plan accordingly.
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) November 14, 2013
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She just opened up a whole new demographic of stalkers.
7% of people in any given poll do not understand the question #thatmightbelow
— Michele Steele (@ESPNMichele) November 14, 2013
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Hashtag of the week.
god dammit Florida is swallowing people again
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 14, 2013
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Florida has issues.
I don't crush on females……BUT Lily Aldridge makes me feel all funny inside
— Jourdan Dunn (@missjourdandunn) November 14, 2013
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Does Lily know this? And would you like us to tell her?
“Getting health insurance will never be like buying a song on iTunes, but it can be like using Limewire via dial-up in 2002.” – Obama
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 14, 2013
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Close enough.
"Part of the problem has been technology, Part of the problem is the way American insurance shoppers f*cked up our website."
— Alison Forns (@alisonforns) November 14, 2013
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That’s what Obama really meant to say.
I think the trick to growing old is becoming "avuncular" instead of "crotchety."
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) November 14, 2013
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Okay, now tell us what “avuncular” means.
Maybe if schools weren't covered in white cinder blocks walls & fluorescent lit like a fucking Wal-Mart, kids would be more excited to go.
— Bree Olson (@BreeOlson) November 14, 2013
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She has a point.
What Rob Ford actually said to a female staffer is "I want to eat your poutine."
— Mo Rocca (@MoRocca) November 14, 2013
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That’s so much better.
I call herpes "herps" because it's cuter/more hip
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 14, 2013
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That is cuter/hipper.
Loving the ocean today… pic.twitter.com/48wrX30Wa1
— Gemma Atkinson (@MissGAtkinson) November 14, 2013
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And the ocean is definitely loving you.
When I have sexual relations with a girl, I always turn off the dome light.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) November 15, 2013
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Smooth.
I place kindness at number 1 on my list of human virtues. Number 2 on that list is a fat ass
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) November 15, 2013
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Seems about right.
Look, you can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 14, 2013
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Have a great weekend, everybody!