Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
This roll the clock back is fantastic. I say we do it every Saturday night. Who's in.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) November 4, 2013
Worst things to happen to mankind: 1. Dating 2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt's eyebrows in Looper 3. Dating
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) November 4, 2013
Yeah, those eyebrows. Wow.
Fuck Barneys! I'm more likely to buy Jay Z's new cologne, from the deceased Barney of Mayberry! Before I purchase from Barney's of New York.
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) November 4, 2013
Arsenio doesn’t like Barney’s apparently.
Probably don't want to "vajazzle" after a certain age or it'll just look like bacon hanging from a disco ball.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 4, 2013
Oh my, bad visual imagery happening here.
As soon as I check into a hotel I throw all the blankets and sheets on the floor so housekeeping knows I’m not down with their “Green plan.”
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) November 4, 2013
Anytime a person with a journalism degree writes a story about a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 4, 2013
This is true.
If I was one of the terrorists on Homeland Id go after the teenage girl because of annoying.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) November 5, 2013
Makes perfect sense to me.
i'm trying to remember the last time i enjoyed watching Dwight Howard play in person. I think it was like 2009.
— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) November 5, 2013
Go further back that that.
How to get laid in new york. Tell girls you are banksy. Then make " shhhhhh" motion w index finger. Works 65% of time. Thats good enough
— David Spade (@DavidSpade) November 5, 2013
65% is a pretty good rate of success.
There was a time when I was thin. Sure I was six years old, but I’m confident I can get back in those clothes.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) November 5, 2013
What happens to us after the age of six anyway?
Sometimes little things seem to make a big difference but they don't really.
— Gary Busey (@THEGaryBusey) November 5, 2013
If you really think about it, Punk, metal and country are all kind of the same… Just different brands of whiskey
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) November 5, 2013
Food for thought.
Dear cast of the Entourage movie and Dylan McDermott: you guys know it takes less time to just fucking shave, right?
— Denis Leary (@denisleary) November 5, 2013
But they wouldn’t look as cool.
Rob Ford is such an audacious, bumbling fool he would never be a mayor in America. He would be president.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 5, 2013
This whole NFL hazing scandal would have never happened if the league would take my advise and let the players kiss each other
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 5, 2013
That might be overshooting the goal a little bit.
why does THOR need that leather leash at the end of his hammer? do gods hang their tools up in the shed after realm hopping? #tosh
— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) November 5, 2013
This is a great question.
Everyone knows when you hold a press conference for smoking crack you ALWAYS wear a tie with the logo of a NFL team with a racist name.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 5, 2013
Especially if you’re from Canada.
Can somebody please do a precise statistical breakdown on what percentage of professional athletes are worthless pieces of shit?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 5, 2013
I’m betting it’s at least 50%.
In a HUGE victory for Obamacare, I just rubbed my firm nude bottom on the window of a crowded coffee shop.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 6, 2013
Been on a small speck of land for weeks now. So gorgeous but missing my animals and ramen and tacos and lasagna and husband in that order.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 6, 2013
Seems about right.
My favorite part of Last Vegas was my friend whispering "he has pussy eating cancer" every time Michael Douglas was on screen.
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) November 6, 2013
Tell me that didn’t make you laugh a little.
If a girl has "miss" in front of her name on instagram, she doesn't have a job but somehow can afford slutty bathing suits
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) November 7, 2013
How does that happen?
Why do my daughters have my three digit security code on my credit card? what kind of racket are they running?
— Kenny Mayne (@Kenny_Mayne) November 7, 2013
New cottage industry: Identity theft protection from our children.
Working on a reboot of "The Crucible" starring Richie Incognito.
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) November 7, 2013
That could be gold.
Lady Gaga is set to be the first singer to perform in space AND she's bringing hair and make-up. I think I need new representation!
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) November 7, 2013
No, we’d just do anything to shoot Gaga into space.
I wish Chris Farley were still alive for a lot of reasons, but today it is so he could do a Rob Ford sketch this weekend on SNL.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) November 7, 2013
That would have been beautiful.
I'm concerned that we're confusing 'bullies' with 'a-holes.'
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) November 7, 2013
There is a distinction between the two.
I have a rational fear of drunk people
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) November 8, 2013
As we all should.
ON YOUR KEYBOARD, TO YOUR LEFT THERE'S A KEY WHICH READS 'CAPLOCKS', PRESS IT ONCE. RT @kanyewest: I DO NOT HAVE AN INSTAGRAM…
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 8, 2013
YEAH, WHAT SHE SAID.
Quick Reminder: Having a fat ass is a good thing
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) November 8, 2013
Well, that’s good news for many people.
When the country is done with the state of the art Incognito Investigation Team can we then assign them to the Benghazi incident?
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) November 8, 2013
Seems like a solid plan.
Planet Earth is the ONLY vacation spot for advanced clowns.
— Gary Busey (@THEGaryBusey) November 8, 2013
Have a great weekend, everybody!
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