Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
— Keith Olbermann (@KeithOlbermann) October 14, 2013
Keith Olbermann: Grammar Nazi.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) October 14, 2013
Garmin was a badass too.
Los Angeles Jaguars has a nice ring to it. #nfl
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) October 14, 2013
Oh, it’s coming.
Ugh, it’s so hard to stop dating- you gotta unsubscribe from their podcast, unfollow their instagram, twitter, unfriend them on facebook…
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) October 14, 2013
Welcome to dating in the 21st century.
Am I the only one who wants to vomit when I see Xmas decorations out in stores during Halloween time? I mean, c'mon!! #TooEarlyForChristmas
— Elvira (@TheRealElvira) October 14, 2013
Nope, you are not the only one.
Burger King should come out with a burger that's just two girls slapping you across the face with bacon strips.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) October 14, 2013
I fully support this idea.
How fun must Columbus, Ohio be on Columbus Day? I bet it’s like one big Studio 54. Cocaine & orgies everywhere. Mimes & shit…
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 14, 2013
Yep, it’s pretty much party central.
Basically don't google blue waffle, uncircumcised penis, penis in general, or bad ingrown hair
— ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) October 14, 2013
Good to know…No, she said DON’T GOOGLE IT!
There is no perfect relationship…anywhere, EVER. Just ones that don't always make you want to jump off a bridge :P
— Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry) October 15, 2013
That should be on a Hallmark card.
House Republicans sang "Amazing Grace" at their closed meeting this morning. Sometimes I sing when I jerk off too.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 15, 2013
Bad mental image! Bad mental image!
Somebody please do a Jeffersons/Game of Thrones Halloween mashup costume and go as KhaWeezy.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) October 15, 2013
Best costume idea I’ve heard this season.
the only way to show our government that we don't miss them is to start dating another government. my vote is for thailand. new #tosh
— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) October 15, 2013
I got dibs on Brazil.
For awhile there if I was attracted to someone I'd propose that they star in the biopic of my father's life I was developing #PickUpLines
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) October 15, 2013
But did it work?
All I want is oasis back together
— jim jefferies (@jimjefferies) October 15, 2013
I can't wait to hear what Ray Lewis thinks of *this* blackout. #conspiracies
— Rachel Nichols (@Rachel__Nichols) October 15, 2013
Wait, was Ray Lewis at the ALCS?
Thailand being shocked by graphic sex tricks witnessed by Rihanna is like the corrupt cop in Casablanca being shocked by gambling at Rick's
— Geraldo Rivera (@GeraldoRivera) October 15, 2013
"Want in one hand and shit in the other….then see which one fills up 1st" -My Dad whenever I said I wanted something..my whole life
— Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry) October 15, 2013
A wise man, her dad.
Watching baseball makes me want to learn how to eat sunflower seeds.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) October 16, 2013
And grab my crotch repeatedly.
I get the furor over the "Washington Redskins." Bad enough being reduced to a racist image, but to be stuck with Washington these days…
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) October 16, 2013
They really should change their city. It’s very offensive.
I had a dream last night that James Franco was my dentist.
— Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) October 16, 2013
I smell a movie idea!
If you don't eat your candy corn in three separate bites starting from the big yellow end to the small white end, you're dead to me.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) October 16, 2013
Pfft, how else would you eat them?
this has to be a difficult time for men named Christian Mingle
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) October 16, 2013
I don’t know. He’s pretty famous now.
Judging by the commercials, MLB is hitting that sweet spot demographic of 25-60 yr olds in need of prescription drugs.
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) October 16, 2013
Bet it works too, when they aren’t asleep on the couch.
Some say twitter is a waste of time, but if you have a tweet with 200+ RT you can get a meeting with literally anyone in show business.
— Jamie Kennedy (@JamieKennedy) October 16, 2013
I see what you’re doing there.
I love falling asleep to the sound of porn on in the background.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) October 17, 2013
The music alone is quite soothing.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) October 17, 2013
Save that one for North’s baby book.
Kim kardashian is fit yes but I don't class a Instagram picture of her ass 'the news' what the fuck is this world coming too!!!
— Melissa Debling (@MelissaD89) October 17, 2013
Thank you, very much.
Every time someone records a cover of a hit song in a different “wacky” musical genre, Jesus throws a tomahawk at Anne Frank.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 17, 2013
This is 100% true.
Every time I put the Brita pitcher back in the refrigerator without refilling it I think "I'll be a better person tomorrow."
— Megan Ganz (@meganganz) October 18, 2013
We’ve all been there and no you won’t.
Try not to collapse in a fit of jealousy BUT I saw 'Thor: The Dark World' last night and HOLY SHIT IT IS THE MOST EPIC THING I'VE EVER SEEN
— Kat Dennings (@OfficialKat) October 18, 2013
The collision at the plate last night in the baseball game would have drawn a 100K fine in the NFL. America 180.
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) October 18, 2013
Sadly, that’s probably true.
Whenever I get depressed it helps to remember I am better off than the billions of dead people who never got to drink Dr. Pepper.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) October 17, 2013
Have a wonderful weekend, everybody.
I want more like this!
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