Which celebrity sex tapes are hot? Which ones are gross? And which are all-time classics? We decide. It’s been an interesting year for celebrity sex tapes, with the Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham producing the first “intentional” one. I thought I’d take a trip back through the history of celebrities having sex on video – at least the ones that are available to the public – and rank them by 2013 standards of hotness. Yes, I watched every single one of these videos from beginning to end. While you read this, I’ll be taking a shower.
30 Verne Troyer 2008
Oh, good grief. If you want to watch Verne Troyer, the midget actor most famous for playing Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies, get his freak on with a regular-sized woman, there’s something deeply wrong with you. Troyer’s then-girlfriend Ranae Shrider leaked the tape to a porn company, who tried to sell it before Troyer filed suit to stop it. Some clips made their way to the web, and I watched them, but there’s nothing good in there. Nothing at all.
29 Chyna 2004
And here’s where things start to go wrong. Hulking she-beast Chyna (real name Joanie Laurer) was one of the biggest stars of the World Wrestling Federation in the 1990s, but by the time her sex tape with then-boyfriend Sean Waltman was released in 2004 steroids had transformed her into a terrifying creature that nobody wanted to see naked. 1 Night In China is the most traumatizing video on this list, with awful close-ups of Laurer’s engorged, pierced clitoris that’s as big as a man’s thumb. If you like watching butts pockmarked with roid acne move around spastically, this is the tape for you.
28 Dustin Diamond 2006
We’re in free-fall here, people. The nadir of celebrity sex tapes came in ’06 when Screech from Saved By The Bell made a grotesque grab for attention by claiming that a tape of him taking two girls back to his dismal apartment for a bubble bath and sex was stolen from him and illegally released as Screeched. Naturally, this was all a lie (he leaked it himself), but that doesn’t make the tape any grosser. It’s notable for being the only sex tape so far to feature a Dirty Sanchez. That’s not a selling point.
27 Fred Durst 2005
In 2005, the celebrity world was upended when a hacker broke into T-Mobile user accounts and accessed all kinds of good stuff. One spoil was a sex video starring Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst and an unknown woman. As filmed on his cell phone, the tape is pretty miserable, and most of the conversation around it was about how puny Durst’s bizkit was. It turns out doing it all for the nookie isn’t a very good plan.
26 Hulk Hogan 2012
One of the least arousing celebrity sex tape leaks in recent memory was when geriatric professional wrestler Hulk Hogan was exposed in all of his glory banging the wife of a Florida radio DJ. The thirty minutes of black and white footage shot by a ceiling-mounted camera lets us know that the Hulkster is packing a serious python in his pants, but watching a dude this old and steroid-ravaged pump away is not fun.
25 Gene Simmons 2008
There comes a time in every rock star’s life when you need to hang up the demon codpiece and call it a day. For Gene Simmons of Kiss, that should have been a few decades ago. But he’s still at it, and in 2008 a tape leaked of Gene getting it on with an Australian model. If it’s any consolation, the woman appears to be having even less fun having sex with Gene Simmons than you are watching it, at several points turning away from his gross old face when he tries to kiss her. The girl’s hot but that’s not nearly enough to pull this one out of the toilet.
24 Paris Hilton & Rick Salomon 2003
It’s impossible to overstate how much of a media sensation hotel heiress Paris Hilton was in the early 2000s. The talentless tanorexic was all over the tabloids, so when a video of her doing the do with then-boyfriend Rick Salomon was released to DVD it sold like hotcakes, winning an AVN award in the process. The tape itself is one of the worst celebrity sex videos of all time. Shot in the dark with a night vision lens, it’s like watching She-Hulk with anorexia get it on. There’s a TV on in the background and at one point Hilton even stops banging so she can answer her cell phone.
23 Rob Lowe 1988
Brat Pack actor Rob Lowe got in a lot of trouble for a liason he had with two women at the 1988 Democratic National Convention. One of the girls was just sixteen, and when the tape leaked Lowe was forced into rehab to save his career. Shot with a single camera at the foot of the bed, the tape is mostly unremarkable, although the girls seem to be enjoying themselves. A second sex tape delivers a notable moment when Rob gets a little frisky with a woman and another man (line producer Justin Moritt), but overall this is only of interest to completists.
22 Tom Sizemore 2005
Black Hawk Down star Tom Sizemore has had very public struggles with substance abuse, which is the only thing that can explain his absolutely unwatchable “sex tape.” Sizemore, who was convicted in 2003 for beating then-girlfriend Heidi Fleiss, gets it on with three decent-looking prostitutes over the course of the video, but any enjoyment the viewer could get is immediately destroyed by his whining for attention, huge lumpy head and other shenanigans.
21 Tonya Harding 1994
Figure skater Tonya Harding came to infamy when she helped orchestrate an attack on competitor Nancy Kerrigan in 1994, but that wasn’t even the trashiest thing she’d do that year. Her ex-husband Jeff Gillooly, who helped her with the plot, sold Penthouse a video of the two of them smashing it after a costume party. It’s not pleasant to endure, although Harding, as a pro athlete, is in good shape. The worst thing about this video is that both Harding and Gillooly are completely bombed out of their minds, and sloppy drunk people don’t have good sex.
20 Kid Rock & Scott Stapp 1999
For most celebrities, a sex tape isn’t that big of a deal. But Scott Stapp was the frontman of the so-called Christian rock band Creed when his 1999 sex tape was revealed to the public, and that’s not very Biblical. Stapp starred in the backstage video with fellow dad rocker Kid Rock, and both men received oral pleasure from a quartet of groupies. Neither of these guys are lookers, so it’s not much fun to watch. On the plus side, there are four girls in the scene so they obscure Rock and Stapp’s bodies a lot of the time.
19 Colin Farrell 2006
This eleven-minute tape was shot in 2003 a grimy apartment and stars Irish actor Colin Farrell. It leaked to the Internet in 2006 and quickly turned into a scandal from Farrell’s barebacking. The clip is halfway decent by celebrity sex tape standards. It doesn’t hurt that Farrell’s partner, model Nicole Narain, is pretty hot (although she does have some bad tattoos). It does hurt, however, that she doesn’t seem into sex with him at all and repeatedly stops to complain about getting pubic hair caught in her teeth. Gross.
18 Danielle Staub 2010
The Real Housewives franchise is a blight on civilization, so the last thing I want to see is these grotesque women procreating. To be fair, Danielle Staub does look pretty good for a woman of 47, and she’s totally freaky (multiple piercings in the ladytown), but the sex is unpleasant and for some reason the tape features her washing out her goop in a bidet after she gets it on. Ladies, we don’t want to see that. We don’t even want to think about it.
17 Amy Fisher 2007
The notorious “Long Island Lolita” has moved into a full-time webcam career (and how depressing is that), but her slide into adult entertainment came in 2007 when a tape of Fisher and ex-husband Lou Bellera was released by Red Light Entertainment. The 56 minute tape is shot professionally and features all kinds of action, but the whole endeavor is so desperate and trashy (and Amy’s fake boobs are so gross) that I defy anybody but the most battle-scarred perverts to enjoy it.
16 Jessica Sierra 2007
I can’t think of what would feel worse than washing out of American Idol. All that fame, all that exposure, gone overnight. For Jessica Sierra, who came in tenth on Idol‘s fourth season, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. After leaving the show, Sierra had multiple run-ins with the law over her substance abuse problems, and even a stint on Celebrity Rehab didn’t seem to help. To add insult to injury, in 2007 Vivid released Jessica Sierra Superstar, a tape which showed the singer getting boned by an ex-boyfriend. Sierra’s not much to look at, but she has a good time.
15 Eve 2001
All that was publicly released of R&B singer Eve’s sex tape was a mere eighteen seconds, but in the interest of completion here’s a review. Taped in 1999 but leaked as part of a blackmail con, Eve lies on her back in bed while her then-paramour Stevie J works at her with a frighteningly large dildo. Because there’s not enough to really evaluate here, I have to give it a neutral score. She certainly seems to be enjoying herself.
14 Pamela Anderson & Bret Michaels 1998
The other Pamela Anderson sex tape that leaked in 1988 was a bit older and featured a tryst between Anderson and Poison singer Bret Michaels. The actress sued to have the footage destroyed, but four minutes survived and were released into the wild. It’s a lot more focused than the Tommy Lee tape, and Anderson looks amazing, but they’re both loaded out of their minds and the sex isn’t good.
13 Kendra Wilkinson 2010
It’s amazing how much work goes into transforming an ordinary girl next door (no pun intended) into a Playboy Playmate. For a striking example, check out Kendra Wilkinson’s sex tape, made when she was just 18 years-old. Before the breast implants and skin treatments, she was just a skinny girl from San Diego who wanted to be a star. Eventually she got there, but when her sex tape with high school boyfriend Justin Frye surfaced we saw the other side of her. Kendra’s performance is decent, but it’s pretty ruined by her partner, especially when he ends the tape by busting nut into his own damn hand like an oaf.
12 Farrah Abraham 2013
We’ve all heard about the drama surrounding this tape, as MTV reality star Abraham tried to spin her porno debut as a “leaked” sex tape. What really happened is that she hired ultra-hip dick James Deen to bang her on film and then sold the tape to Vivid herself for a cool million. The video is both hot and a little disorienting, as it’s obvious that Abraham is doing everything for the camera, including asking for anal first. Deen plays along ably, and Abraham’s silicone-enhanced body isn’t too ravaged by the duties of motherhood. But she’s not much of a “celebrity,” and the thrill you get from seeing something you’re not supposed to isn’t there.
11 Bam Margera 2011
Watching a sex tape from a Jackass star is an exercise in anticipation – you keep thinking something hilariously F-ed up is going to happen, and it never does. Bam Margera had a tape of him smanging his then-fiancee, actress Jenn Rivell, leaked to the world in 2011. It’s perfectly competent for a celebrity sex tape, and the girl is both hot and enthusiastic, so this ends up on the positive end of the spectrum. The video quality is pretty awful, though.
10 Jenna Lewis 2004
Reality TV is great for making average Americans feel like they deserve attention. Jenna Lewis was one of the breakout stars of the first season of Survivor, but once she was off the island her career kind of stalled. In 2004, a tape of her getting freaky with former husband Travis Wolfe in a Vegas hotel room was bought and released on DVD. This was the first “faux” sex tape in history, as Lewis actually released it herself and kept the profits. That said, it’s still a fun little romp and she’s a little cutie, so worth watching.
9 Vince Neil 1999
Not one to let other heavy metal dudes get all the glory, Motley Crue singer Vince Neil went one step beyond with his own sex tape, in which he was filmed cavorting with Penthouse Pet Brandy Ledford and porn star Janine Lindemulder. Ledford’s face is blurred throughout, which is a little disconcerting, but the sex is perfectly decent. You can say one thing for these hair metal stars – they’ve had enough sex to know what they’re doing.
8 Kim Kardashian & Ray J 2007
Can you believe that back in the glory days of 2004 nobody really knew who Kim Kardashian was? She was just another Los Angeles celebutante with a nice butt and we didn’t have to look at her sisters. All that changed in 2007 with the release of Kim Kardashian: Superstar. The tape, made in ’04 when she was dating R&B singer Ray J, doesn’t feature anything out of the ordinary – a little oral on both sides, followed by some enthusiastic pumping from behind – but Kim’s caboose looks real nice and she fakes an orgasm like a pro.
7 Katie Price 1999
Hopping over the pond, the tape made by former British glamour model Katie Price (back when she was simply called Jordan) and then-husband Dane Bowers is as hot as it is weird. Price is undoubtedly sexy, with a massive rack and nice everything else, but she seems to have absolutely no idea what to do with Bowers’s penis! There’s a titty-porking scene (the whole video’s just three and a half minutes long) where she has his dink pointed perpendicular to her ribcage, so he looks like he’s killing a vampire. And it ends with Price pleasuring herself, only for Bowers to stick his big toe in her puss? So weird.
6 Carolyn Murphy 2006
One of the most famous models to ever get caught doing it on film, Carolyn Murphy was the face of Estee Lauder, a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue covergirl and more. In 2006, her ex-husband Jake Schroeder tried to sell a video that he’d made of the two of them on honeymoon in 1999. It leaked to the Internet, of course, and it’s pretty solid. Aside from Schroeder’s big old gut, the sex is good and Murphy is drop-dead gorgeous.
5 Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee 1998
The video that kicked off the modern era of celebrity sex tapes, Baywatch star Pamela Anderson and Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee filmed themselves on their honeymoon, only to find the footage stolen from their home in 1995 and distributed by Internet Entertainment Group. The tape became a pop culture sensation, in part because of the intimacy of it – the pair seem genuinely in love, even during goofy moments where Lee drives a boat with his dick. Anderson, of course, is at the peak of her hotness. There’s very little actual sex on the tape, though, which drops it a few points.
4 Jayne Kennedy & Leon Isaac Kennedy 1982
Generally considered the very first celebrity sex tape to make its way to the public, this early 80s slice of raunch featured former Miss Ohio Jayne Kennedy and her husband, B-movie actor Leon Isaac Kennedy. The tape, which was stolen from their house after their divorce, quickly made the rounds in Hollywood, but because VCRs weren’t as common back then it didn’t get widely distributed. It was enough to ruin Jayne’s career forever, though, and you can now find it on the Internet. The tape is freaky even by modern standards – over a long 100 minutes, Jayne gets fisted, gets toys in her butt, and has multiple very loud orgasms.
3 Keeley Hazell 2007
Another British glamour model caught making dirty videos, Keeley Hazell immediately rockets to the top of the rankings simply by looking cute and not doing anything super gross. Hazell’s tryst with then-boyfriend Lloyd Miller hit the web in 2007. The sex is about ten minutes long and is split between a quite nice POV blowjob and barely-watchable sex where the camera (mounted on a table) basically misses everything good.
2 Gena Lee Nolin 1999
Pamela Anderson wasn’t the only Baywatch babe to get in on the sex tape act – in 2003, a tape of Gena Lee Nolin getting dirty with her then-husband Greg Fahlman was leaked and immediately purchased for a cool million dollars. It was worth it – Nolin looks great and Fahlman obviously relishes getting to have sex with one of the hottest girls on TV. One of the few celebrity sex tapes that can live up to professional porn standards.
1 Abi Titmuss 2000
Here’s another sex tape from across the pond, this one being one of the best ones in the canon. Abi Titmuss is an actress and model who lost her job as a TV reporter in 2004 when this tape surfaced. The video shows fifteen minutes of the very sexy Titmuss performing oral favors on both boyfriend John Leslie and equally hot model Aisha Abubakar. It’s well-filmed, convincing and hot – a rarity in the celebrity sex tape world. Bravo! Titmuss’ career rebounded quite well after the scandal, too.
(Previously published on August 27, 2013.)
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