Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
— Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) March 17, 2014
I see what you’re doing there, Rock
Is Gravity the most farfetched movie ever produced? How was this movie up for Oscars? I enjoyed it, but my God. ET more believable.
— Jason Whitlock (@WhitlockJason) March 17, 2014
But it had Sandra Bullock in her undies!
"Oh shit. I forgot about these." *blows dust off of squashed Banker's Box with "FEELINGS" written in Sharpie on the side*
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 17, 2014
What the hell are you going to do with those?
Just made a plane out of cheese. so people can fly & eat at the same time without having to pack a snack.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) March 17, 2014
Thank you to all the haters who tweet my name. You make my Q SCORE higher and higher. It's because of you I continue to work. Thank you! : )
— Jenny McCarthy (@JennyMcCarthy) March 17, 2014
Earthquake. Real shaker. Jolted out of bed. All 3 kids slept through. Emmanuel Sanders still a Bronco. That is all.
— Rich Eisen (@richeisen) March 17, 2014
Wait, Emmanuel Sanders is still a Bronco?
A lot of guys in LA just got credit for being much better in the sack than they deserve credit for. #earthquake
— Emile Hirsch (@EmileHirsch) March 17, 2014
And they’re taking 100% credit for it.
here's how it goes now…"oh my God, earthquake…where's my phone? I have to tweet!"
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) March 17, 2014
That's the most my bed has been shaking in 5 years! #arsenio
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) March 17, 2014
Arsenio needs a girlfriend.
I guess once a year is enough Irish music for most people.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 17, 2014
That might even be too much.
Is it too weird to take a nap in the car when it's parked in front of your own house?
— erinn hayes (@hayeslady) March 17, 2014
If it’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.
I get the distinct feeling the only time Obama is not on prompter is when he's breaking down his brackets for you.
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) March 17, 2014
Probably not far off from the truth.
Calling it now: Worst part of March Madness will be how many times that Chris Webber/BK commercial will run.
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) March 17, 2014
It already is.
Can't say "shit" on TV but they play that Osphena ad about painful sex after menopause like it's no big deal. Oh god my ears are bleeding.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 17, 2014
Thanks, Anna, now ours are too.
Filming at my house tomorrow. …its sad that I first think to hide all my sex toys before considering cleaning the house…
— Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry) March 17, 2014
For some reason I don’t find that sad.
"OOH I want to learn how to make a gif! Actually…don't care. At all." -a summary of my entire relationship with internet type things
— Rashida Jones (@iamrashidajones) March 18, 2014
That’s how I feel about cooking.
Crop dusting in elevators is NOT ok. #NYproblems
— Jamie Chung (@jamiechung1) March 18, 2014
Sorry about that, Jamie.
If I have to do something in the morning before I take my shower, there's a 90% chance I will not shower that day.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 18, 2014
Since mega- is the metric prefix for a million, "Mega Millions" state lottery jackpots should really be paying trillions.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) March 18, 2014
So it’s false advertising?
One cool thing about being married is that you can fart during sex & the other person doesn't even stop crying.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 18, 2014
That is a cool thing.
On this day 1985 Commissioner Ueberroth reinstated Willie Mays & Mickey Mantle who were suspended by Bowie Kuhn for taking a casino PR job
— Pete Rose (@PeteRose_14) March 18, 2014
Very subtle, Pete. Keep trying.
while you're at it @courtney, can you help me find the bifröst bridge? i wanna meet thor.
— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) March 18, 2014
Don’t listen to him, Courtney Love, you keep looking for that plane.
"If I was that realtor, I'd punch most of these ppl in the face" -me, watching most house hunter episodes.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) March 19, 2014
You’re not alone in that sentiment.
Cats watch so much free porn.
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) March 19, 2014
They really do.
As the NCAA tournament gets underway, I know I say this every year, but I really do think this is Juilliard's year.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 19, 2014
Their post game is fantastic.
Fox Sports 1 should counter ESPN and have Putin fill out a bracket. You know Vlad would take a power conference team.
— Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch) March 19, 2014
Don’t think they won’t do it next year.
When I hear sports peeps say 'ball-centric' I giggle. Because I'm not a very mature individual.
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) March 19, 2014
Ha! She said ball-centric.
My coworker eats corn nuts one at a time, then licks each individual finger when he's done. #makesmemad
— jimmy fallon (@jimmyfallon) March 19, 2014
As it should.
Please don't ever come to my desk and ask me to fill out a March Madness bracket. Ever.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) March 19, 2014
Said women all over America.
Masturbating using Smooth magazines RT @NinoDemayo: what’s something that you do often, but really would like to stop?
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) March 19, 2014
TMI, Chad, TMI.
99 Problems … and a b**ch is 92 of them! #arsenio
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) March 19, 2014
Malaysian Airlines plane is the new white bronco #MH370
— Sean Parker (@sparker) March 20, 2014
It really is.
Whenever a British reporter takes over CNN I pretend England attacked us and stormed all TV stations and are giving us real news.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) March 20, 2014
Totally trying that next time.
Parents, take your kids out of school today- you can teach math,geography,zoology and gambling lessons-my dad did, look where it got me!
— Doug Gottlieb (@GottliebShow) March 20, 2014
Solid March Madness advice.
Four games in, just 5.7% of the 11 million brackets in ESPN's contest are a perfect 4-0
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) March 20, 2014
Yes, WE ARE AWARE!
Noticed a marked increase in "funny" flight attendants and pilots. I assume this is to dissuade terrorists and everybody else from flying.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 20, 2014
It’s a solid plan.
OT at 1:15 Eastern. Why the hell not?
— Scott Van Pelt (@notthefakeSVP) March 21, 2014
So how sleepy is everyone today?
The only thing missing today was Gus Johnson.
— Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch) March 21, 2014
hello @MileyCyrus you bus go on fire because your ass smell worse than 500 dead dog
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) March 18, 2014
Have a great weekend, everybody!
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