I'm in jury duty this week (live tweeting it too) so there really is no time for fancy intros. Send your Ask a Bro questions in here. Oh, and this week I'm going to double-bag it. Instead of a Bronanza we'll have a second Ask a Bro because I didn't have time to get to all of them today. 

Q. What are your thoughts on road dome?

 

A. My thoughts are, “Keep your eyes on the road, JC. This’s f*cking phenomenal and not the way you’re going to die.” Other than that, I have no real thoughts during it, except for maybe, “She better not spit that on the dash” or “I should slow down so more people can see how a man gets blown.” But if you're just asking me if I think it's awesome... well... I DO. 

 

Q. I am a girl sitting here and reading your posts for the past hour instead of doing homework. I have made a revelation. You guys are conceited a**holes, but I always fall for you. Why do girls fall for douchebags? Literally every guy I have ever felt anything for has been an a**hole to me and made me feel like shit, but for some reason I always want more. Even though they always end up being jerks, they will sometimes do like two nice things and I keep convincing myself that more kindness will come. Why the f*ck does this happen, and do non-conceited Bros even exist anymore?

 

A. Aren't you the salty little b*tch.

 

First thing's first, I take issue with your question. What you’ve done is pinpointed a fundamental flaw in yourself and the type of guys you date. And then, since you can’t reconcile that in your own mind, you’ve decided to project it all over me and the Broniverse as a whole. Fact is, if you’re dating dickbags, that’s on you. There are plenty of guys around these parts who have perfectly happy and fulfilled girlfriends, myself included.

 

And another thing: There’s a difference between a joke and conceit. I never use this or any other column to spout off about all the muff I’ve plowed over the years; I go to confession for that (priests need to know just how sh*tty their lives are). If I talk about my own experiences I always bring up the embarrassing or insanely weird sh*t that’s happened to me. I mean, did you think I was bragging a few weeks ago when I told the story about the time a girl left an otherworldly loaf of sh*t and a blood-drenched tampon in my toilet? Or how about last week when I spoke of the genital mutilation shaving my entire dick-vest damn near caused me? If you did then, well, that was total f*ckin’ conceit on my part and I apologize.

 

Q. One of my Bros is on the mother of all hot streaks. We are approaching weekend 8 of 10 of the winter term, and the man is holding up a 7 girls in 7 weekends record. As his Bro, I feel that an achievement of such magnitude merits some proper congratulatory action. My other Bros and I have been thinking of awesome celebration ideas for when, not if, the 10th is finally sir-mounted: commemorative T-shirts with "He saw, He conquered, He came," invite the infamous 10 to party with us on the last Sunday of the term, kidnap him for a mad night out in Montreal, etc. Any better ideas?

 

A. Now that’s a good old-fashioned hot streak! Guy’s doing God’s work, just sizing up puss and slaying it. Feel invincible when you get into that kind of zone. Feel like you can’t lose. Feel like Ivan Drago. Feel like you need a precautionary 30-pack of penicillin.

 

If he hits 10 in a row you should commemorate it. No doubt. He deserves it. Putting up those numbers is nothing for a celeb but a normal guy planting 10 different girls 10 straight weekends? Come on, that’s a decent feat. Most incredible thing I’ve ever heard? For sure not, but he is poised for a banner year. He's more than half way to a baker's dozen and the summer hasn't even started. Your buddy's on pace to hang a quarter this year.

 

For the most part I like your ideas, provided you live close to Montreal – don’t fly there just because your friend's a one-man wrecking crew. I'd even suggest you throw a plaque in there for him. You can buy one for like $20 and it'll be around longer than a T-shirt. The only thing I wouldn’t do is invite all 10 girls to the celebration. On the off chance their brains can put all the pieces together, that could kill any shot he has at recycling them for later use. 

 

Q. I go to a liberal arts school in New England where most girls are rich and snobby and most guys go to frats on the weekends drunk as shit to grind with these girls and hope that it leads to something more. Grinding on these girls isn't the problem because as we all know when you’re wasted you have supreme confidence to do such a thing. Almost as confident as Derek Jeter right after he's splooged on some broad’s face. However, getting the girls to come back to your dorm and seal the deal is the difficult part. I've hooked up with girls at frats before and once I've brought a girl back. But, I would like this to happen much more often. So, what do you think is the best way to get these girls back to one's dorm?

 

A. Life would be too easy if you just said, “so how about this c*ck?” and girls just nodded their head and came home with you. Instead you have to play this arduous game just about every time you want to get laid. Living in a dorm sure doesn't help and to add to that, sometimes the party ends before you can convince her that your d*ck is where it’s at. “It” being her every carnal pleasure, of course.

 

The real key to getting girls to come back with you, unless you’re working on a surefire sl*t who's just dying for it, is to extend the party. Now I don’t want to say “luring them with booze is a great way to keep the party going,” but LURING THEM WITH BOOZE REALLY IS A GREAT WAY TO KEEP THE PARTY GOING. After all, there are three things rational people — men and women — want when they're drunk: sex, food, and more alcohol. Only caveat, you’ve got to do it in a way that doesn’t seem rapey. So invite her friends along too, even the annoying moose (say goodbye to all your Easy Mac). If your roommate is any kind of a man he’ll be into this idea. Just remember: When everyone else has cleared out and the time comes to potentially seal the deal, make sure she isn't too intoxicated to make a rational decision. 
 

I can’t speak to how strict colleges have gotten on booze or searches, but surely you have the means to get some kind of hard liquor stash in your room, right? If you don’t, try to take the party elsewhere for a while to buy yourself time. Hopefully that pans out but if you have to go somewhere else to keep partying and you can’t get her into the idea of going home with you by 4 or 5 a.m., chalk it up as a night of laying ground work and call your left hand in from the bullpen. 

 

Q. So I'm a Canadian soldier with the 3rd Bat Princess Patricias Canadian Light Infantry and I just came home from my third tour to Afghanistan. I'm pissed with how shitty of a go it was overseas and how some situations were handled by my officers. While I was there I had met some Marines and they were some badass guys. I also realized that since I'm part native I have cross-border citizenship. Should I stay in Canada and tough it out or should I move to the States and join the Marines? Any advice will help...

 

A. Isn’t this like asking an American if you should leave the CFL to join the NFL? You know what I’m going to say. WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. And that’s, of course you should become a Marine.

 

I know your question is nothing like the CFL example (the NFL obviously sh*ts volumes on that) but my point is this: I know exactly nothing about the 3rd Bat Princess Parictias Canadian Light Infantry but in my Red, White, and Blue heart I have to believe the Marines are its superior in every possible manner. That’s the American way. We love ourselves, profoundly. Even if we aren't numero uno so long as we believe we are we'll be just fine. And yeah, our “way” might be fueled by blind ignorance and misguided delusions of grandeur, but it’s pisses off Al-Qaeda so it's fine by me. 

 

Kidding and extreme patriotism aside, one real thing to consider is what life's like post-military service. There are a lot of recent vets struggling to find jobs or even a place to live in our country and if Canada looks out for its retired servicemen better than we do, I'd stay there.

 

Q. All right, I am a pretty into "Star Wars," I am not going to lie about that one. Is that un-Bro? I get a lot of shit for it, but I am not going to give it up.

 

A. Personally, I don’t care for sci-fi anything, and I haven’t seen "Star Wars" (except for the first one when I was like 2 years old) but people like different sh*t, I suppose. So I'm opening this up to the Bromunnity: Is Star Wars Bro? Answer below.