UFC 136 is this weekend and it got us thinking about all the terrible things we'd never want to be stuck in a cage with, provided that the cage is inescapable. Fact of the matter is, I wouldn't want to be stuck in a cage with most people, things, or animals. I'm anti-social like that. However, it’s only accurate that I narrow my list down to just people. Animals are filthy pieces of sh*t, but I'd probably prefer their company to most humans, even if said company ended in my spleen being used as a chew toy.
Here is a list of ten people I'd never want to be stuck in a cage with. Assuming, of course, that I couldn't kill or physically harm them. Because if I could, this might actually be the list of people I'd love to be stuck in a cage with.
10. An Infant With Colic
This also goes by “baby never shuts the hell up” syndrome. On top of that audible pleasure, you also get to clean its crap and piss. Now that I think about it, this could very well be the worst of them all.
9. Anyone From The "Jersey Shore" But Most Notably, Deana
Is she not the most unsightly thing you've ever laid eyes on? I'd sooner face-bang Rocky Dennis than share air with her.
8. My Ex-Wife
I don't have an ex-wife -- I've never even been married -- but from what I've heard, ex-wives are just the absolute worst, and I'm sure my future one (foreshadowing) will excel at being miserable.
7. Chris Berman
Why does he always sound like he's having trouble digesting the bag of gravel he just ate? And how can ESPN pull Hank Williams Jr. (arguably a national treasure at this point) when Berman’s ties and overall existence are a thousand times more offensive than anything he said?
6. Anyone With a Transmittable and Life-Threatening Disease
I don't have health insurance, and nothing is scarier than going through life without it. So this here is what I like to call "a sensible choice." It’s likely the only one on the list too.
5. Amy Winehouse
I have hard time being around the dead and by now she has to smell like stacked crap. Too soon for that? It was too soon, wasn't it? Oh well, she was an eyesore anyway.
4 The Love Child of Lou Holtz and Shannon Sharp
O.K., so this isn't a real person, but could you imagine if these two had a child together? What an unstoppable force that would be.
3. Khloe Kardashian
I’d rather die at the paws of a mountain lion than spend even a minute with this loser. She’s like the 6th hottest member of her own family. Landing right before the dog and right after Bruce Jenner.
2. Carrot Top
I was wrong and I should apologize to Deena, there is a more unsightly human in the world than her. So yeah, she is hotter, and slightly less annoying, than Carrot Top. What a consolation that admission must be for her.
1. John McCain
McCain is a survivor and one hell of an American, but he's from a grittier generation than I am. And given his track record, it would be idiotic to want to be stuck in a cage with a guy who has better odds of leaving it alive than I.
Honorable Mention:
Celine Dion
Rosie O'Donnell
Spencer Pratt
Ellen DeGeneres
Justin Bieber
Rebecca Black
Kanye West
So many more that I can’t even begin typing them all.
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