We've got a lot of bases to cover this week so ask your questions here and if it hasn't been answered before and it's worth answering I'll get to it next week.

Q. Serious question. I suffer from a severe case of premature ejaculation. I don't know if you are the people to ask but what are some ways to conquer this feat permanently?

 

A. The good news is you’re not alone. Plenty of guys struggle with holding their load. Hell, I have a friend who c*ms so fast that if his dick were a car it wouldn't even be street legal. 

 

More good news: Alcohol helps but even if it doesn't or you're not the drinking type, there are medications you can take for it. However, from what I just read on Wikipedia (the nation's source for facts that might not be true), doctors probably won’t prescribe it without exhausting other options, like therapy, first. Someone with this problem, or a doctor, care to chime in on how easy it is to procure these drugs?

 

As irresponsible as this is to note (since I’m not a doctor) the same meds that are used to treat depression and anxiety also make you the God of not c*mming. I know this because I took them when I was in college -- to see if I just naturally didn’t like people or if I had a real medical problem -- and it took what felt like days to nut. Curious, I asked others who had taken Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro, or the like about the sluggish load time and 100% of them experienced it as well. My one friend, who takes them to stave off panic attacks, even claims that he has to finish himself off after sex most of the time. Now that seems more like a curse than a blessing but I suppose it’s better than j*zzing before you get your pants hit your ankles.

 

That said, I don't know for sure if these are the same meds they hand out for premature ejacks and you shouldn’t go pretend to have those other problems just to ward off early ejaculation. If I were you I'd skip your physician and go directly to see a dick doc; he's seen and heard everything one human can possibly see and hear about pen*ses. Your problem won't even make him blink.

 

Q. The two most crucial decisions before going out on the weekend:

• Boxers or boxer-briefs?
• Shaved pubes or just nicely manscaped?

 

A. I transitioned from boxers to boxer-briefs sometime in college and I’ve never looked back. The just-enough support and the lack of fabric riding up my a**hole sold me from day one. Boxers are great for hanging around the house (pun partially intended) but for me they were annoying in pants and murderous if you ever had to run in them. Even with an elastic brief-like band they always found a way to explode out of my pants like a mushroom cloud within minutes. This has to be a problem for anyone without a huge gut.

 

Conversely, boxer-briefs stay in place, they don’t mutilate your junk like briefs do, and chicks think they are sexier to look at (that’s not a proven fact or anything, but since I wear them I tell myself it’s true).

 

As for part two, manscaping is clutch. Having pubes that extend past your average dick isn’t a flattering look, but all-out shaving (with a straight razor) can be overkill. By that I mean, ingrown crotch hairs look like zits and depending on the level of trash you’re f*cking that might not be construed as a good thing.

 

Also, razor burn + her juice + stubble + sex = BRUTAL DEVESTATION

 

One time, I had a girl visiting me all weekend in college; I wanted to be fresh for her visit so in a moment of retardation I decided to Mach-3 my junk the night before she came. I always shaved my balls (it’s safer than shredding your scrotum with clippers, those two we’re not meant to co-exist) but this time I decided to shave everything. And THAT proved to be a poor decision. I mean, I always knew I wasn’t into S&M but this weekend proved it.

 

By Friday night, some stubble grew in on the lowest part of my abdomen (see: the area right above the shaft) and my stubble met her stubble and JESUS CHRIST, every pump felt like 1000 fire ants just latched on. And when she was on top grinding it felt like she was secreting pure lemon juice. I was literally crying inside my body, pleading with my pen*s to just C*M ALREADY. It was hellacious torture and even though it left me on IR for weeks after, I played through the pain that weekend. I still don't know how or why.

 

So yeah, nicely manscaped will do.

 

Q. So I'm a high school girl, a senior, and lastly a virgin (cue the boos). I plan on continuing being a virgin till I get married. No, I'm not insane nor am I the daughter of a crazy priest/preacher. It's mostly a decision based on religion, though, I am not really a religious person but the idea of burning in hell for all of eternity is quite daunting. So I can't marry someone unless they convert to my religion, scratch that, the guy doesn't have to convert but it's just a whole lot less troublesome for me if the dude does. I don't mind if the dude is not a virgin; hell, I'd prefer if he weren’t. If I don't know what the heck I am doing i.e. more than the basics, somebody should know. The last thing I need is to be married to a guy who can satisfy me. So the point of my winded summary is that, I'm usually attracted to guys with what I perceive as your personality, from the articles I've read. So thus being the guy you are, would you convert for a girl?

 

Also, if your part of my religion you can't drink alcohol. Like at all. BUT, I'm a pretty girl and if my hunch is correct, pretty kinky.

 

A. Talk about conflicting ideologies. You’re not religious, but you want to marry a guy who is of your religion (presumably so the two of you can NOT practice the religion together) and you don’t want to have sex before marriage because you’re worried about burning in hell, in the off chance that hell is actually a place. However, you want your future husband to have had sex so he can satisfy you, but once you two meet (in a fairytale sort of way) he needs to stop having sex for a few years until you get married. Awesome! Let's dive in. 

 

Despite what you might think about guys, and all the high fives we throw for taking a girl’s virginity, I don't think that it’s really a big deal once you leave your teens. The opportunities present themselves less and less, plus we grow the f*ck up. By 22, most of us come to terms that we'll begrudgingly give more flowers than we'll ever take in our lifetime. And we’re OK with that because if you really bury one, taking a chick’s v-card actually isn’t much of a good time at all, with the crying and blood and expectations of calling her and such.

What I'm saying is, regardless of your religion (which sounds about as much fun as putting a butter knife in my dick hole) you're not worth my time. Don’t take that the wrong way, I’m sure you're great, hot, and as kinky as you think you one day will be, but so are thousands of other girls who won’t make a guy date, court, and marry them just to have sex. I have to believe most guys -- who aren’t saving themselves for marriage -- also feel the same way because they’ve had sex, know how spectacularly spectacular it is, and aren’t stupid enough to willingly quit cold-turkey for a few years while they wait for one girl.

 

Q. You know how sometimes crazy fat hogs can come back from summer break or college and actually be kind of hot? Does the memory of the former nastiness ever get in the way of wanting to rail that?

 

A. From your perspective, in a safe place, where no one will pass judgment? Probably not hard to look past it. But when you f*ck a former fatty it’s not if YOU can look past her old hoggish ways, it’s if your friends will let you live it down that you did the artist formerly known as the Michelin Man. My guess is they won’t. Let the dust settle for a few months and go for it once the shock that she's not obese anymore wears off.

 

Q. I'm with a girl my mate had a one nighter with ages ago. He blew his fuse when he found out and said that he didn’t mind other guys seeing her, just not me. Did I do wrong? They weren’t even an item! For the record, I'm still smashing it.

 

A. A one-night stand doesn’t constitute a relationship and it’s usually never the foundation for a successful one either. Most girls can’t grasp this -- which is a blessing and a curse – but your friend should know better. She chose her choice and evidently it was you. That might be hard for him to swallow, but tell him to look on the bright side: Your friendship has blossomed into an Eskimo brotherhood. Surely, even he can see the beauty in that. 

 

On the other hand, maybe – in a roundabout way -- he was trying to save you from a permanent "something" he has living on his dick and he thought he might have given it to her…

 

Q. I just broke up with my ex who I had an on-and-off relationship for a year where she couldn't decide between me and another guy. A few days later we had sex for the first time, now all she wants is sex and asks me if I will go back with her. I don't want to, I just like the sex. I want to date other girls but I have a feeling she will do something to ruin any relationship I am in. I am also a junior and she a senior. What is your opinion on the situation?

 

A. Tell her you have feelings for another girl but when she begs and pleads for you to tell her who it is, refuse. It’ll f*ckin’ destroy her. And quite honestly, she deserves it for dragging you along for a year while she waffled about whose dick was worth entering her tw*t. She chose you -- she probably test-drove the other one too – and that feels great but she doesn’t sound to me like she’s worth the sock you j*zz in. So I say let her suffer.

 

Q. Would you rather take a shot of Lisa Lampanelli's period blood once a month for the rest of your life…

 

or

 

…Have to make out with Rob Ryan for four seconds every day for the rest of your life?

 

A. When posed with a question of doing something disgusting to a female or doing something gay with a dude, 100% of the time I’ll take whatever soulless act is attached to the chick. Even if it is eating her shit, buying her flowers, or, in this instance, shooting Lampo’s ragtime blood, I CHOOSE WOMEN. For my sake I just hope some mercy is shown and that I don’t have to smell it, look at it, gargle it, or drink it directly from the source.

 

Q. In your opinion what do you think Dom Mazzeti's greatest all-time quote is?

 

A. When he said, “the sun is for poor people” while talking about how often he goes tanning is the one that sticks out in my mind right now. 

 

Send your questions here and follow me on Twitter. 

 

P.S. We've been getting a lot of repeat questions recently so if you've got something really basic to ask like, "How can I finally close the deal with a girl?" OR "Should I stay with my high school girlfriend or break up with her when I go to college?" check the archives. They're all there.