In the latest entry to the ever-growing list of ways technology is screwing with our sex lives, check out Cloud Girlfriend, a start-up company that purportedly creates the “perfect girlfriend” for its clients. This faux girlfriend will have a Facebook profile, post on your wall, and send you messages so that other people think you have a GF and so that you think that you're experiencing “companionship.” David Fuhriman, a co-founder of the site, says that among the many benefits are the potential for it to help guys attract a real girlfriend, because other chicks checking out your FB profile will see her posts and think you are a desired market commodity. He also says that it can help dudes learn to navigate situations with potential real-life ladies. This sounds very similar to the logic creepy dudes use for investing in a blow up doll, but I digress.

 

It seems to me there are a couple holes in this business plan.

Most obviously, why was this marketed at dudes? Not to be a traitor to my sex, but if one of the top goals of this product is to provide companionship in the absence of a real relationship, this SCREAMS lonely girl who has a thing for Ben & Jerry’s. Girls crave companionship even if it’s only for those brief minutes during what might be a one-night stand where the dude is in that blissful post-coital state and isn’t really registering the fact that the body huddled next to him is considering this “cuddle time.” From what I can tell, and I’m sure you Bros will correct me if I’m wrong, but men don’t really crave this kind of emotional exchange.

 

But, O.K., let's say there is a male clientele for this kind of product. Somewhere. Where dudes don’t know how to use their dicks effectively. There are some logistics that don’t appear to be hammered out. First, let's say some hot chick starts posting on your FB wall on the regular. Aren’t your friends going to ask who that hot chick is? Where you met her? So step one of this product involves not just some small lie about "yeah that chick from the other night totally gave me head" (when, really, it was just a handy), or some elusive absence of the full truth, but rather a straight-up creation of an entirely false set of circ*mstances and identities and human beings. (Because that worked out really well for this guy.)

 

For argument's sake, though, we’ll say you are so desperate to feel not alone (a puppy or goldfish just won’t cut it) and for your friends to think you have some “perfect long-distance relationship,” that you get past all of the lying. What happens when she starts popping up on your live feed everyday as having posted something or liked your status — and your friends realize that she isn't connected with anyone else in your or their or anyone's network. With the far and widespread tentacles of the social network, and most people having hundreds if not thousands of friends, it will probably seem odd to your real-life friends when not a single one of them has a friend in common with her.

 

According to Cloud Girlfriend's website, the fourth and final step in the process is to simply “enjoy a public long distance relationship with the perfect girlfriend.” Which brings me back to my original point: What is it exactly that you’re enjoying? Your friends thinking this person exists?

 

A much more effective way to market this would be as a temporary tool to help get a girlfriend back. If she starts noticing some hot, funny new chick she’s never heard of getting all up in your business, that’s probably enough to make her reconsider her choice to break it off.

 

At the end of the day, this is all a little more than the average levels of manipulation to get at the opposite sex. Call me old fashion, but I’m not sure how this jump in technology really improves relations, it seems to take things to a whole new level of dishonesty. The only way this thing might possibly have a purpose is to try temporarily make an ex jealous. If she starts noticing some hot, funny new chick she’s never heard of getting all up in your business, that’s probably enough to make her reconsider her choice to break it off, or at least feel really bad about herself. Even though you might still be hurting from the break up, she'll think you've moved on, and really saving face is what matters in that kind of situation. Beyond this type of particular situation, it doesn't really seem like a product that's going to be beneficial for anyone. You'd be better off with the blow up doll....at least you can practice some using both hands at the same time.