You guys are sending in questions at breakneck speeds. And a good number of them are worthwhile, so keep it up. That said, please try to keep the relationship questions to a minimum; I can't see what's physically wrong with you, nor am I inside the head of the person who refuses to love you back. Send your questions HERE, but make them thought-provoking. 

Q. If someone told you “your dick could freeze that way” from masturbating would you stop?

 

A. Freeze what way, in the shape of my beautiful boner? Look, if the prospect of potential blindness, hairy palms, and addiction couldn’t thwart me, tucking it up for all eternity doesn’t stand much of a chance either. 

 

Q. Can you settle a dispute among my boys and myself? I could go on for days on how American Eagle and Hollister and all those other shitty clothing lines are for kids whose mom still dresses them. I am a Ralph Lauren, J. Crew, sometimes (rarely) Banana Republic kind of guy, and think that after the age of 18, anything with a logo outside of our favorite polo player should be ditched. Who's in the wrong here?

A. This is purely a matter of personal opinion and preference but I agree with you. I hate having logos on my clothes (that are not made for athletics or performance). And you’re also right, Polo is classic – so long as it’s not the preposterous 6-inch logo -- but I’m personally not onboard with much else than that. Unless we’re talking about Affliction, that shit is FIRE.

 

/makes jerk-off swipes with hand

 

Q. What is your take on this whole Bro movement taking off and in a sense decreasing the real quality of being an actual Bro? Like that video of the Asian guy doing the things frat guys say. He probably thinks he is a real Bro. What is your take on this?

 

A. Dammit. I know I’ve answered this before but it all boils do to saturation and dilution. The pool of people who consider/call themselves “Bros” is over-saturated and that causes the definition of the word to become diluted.

 

You can’t let something so trivial bother you. The fact that every other word on “Jersey Shore” is "Bro" goes to show you how generic it’s become. People who aren’t Bros at the core (or even remotely close) have flung themselves onto the bandwagon. Bro has gone the way of Kleenex. Just imagine how pissed that company gets when someone says pass me a Kleenex when referring to a box of CVS brand snot rags.

Q. So I'm a Senior in high school and I work with this very sexy girl. The thing is we have been friends for a little over a year and we talk a lot, just as friends. But every time we work we always fool around and wink at each other and make gestures towards going to f*ck in the break room. One day she asks, "In all seriousness would you f*ck me?" And I was like, “Um yeah!” And she kept dropping hints that there's sex in my future. She also said that she is scared she will lose me as a friend. But we are going to the same college. What do i do?

 

A. Dude, you f*ck her -- so long as she is of legal age and highly infertile. Does she need to send you an Evite to make this happen? I mean, WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

 

I don't mean to sound insincere but throw all the feelings and friendship worries out the door. Let that garbage clean itself up after the fact. There's always a chance things will get weird or she'll morph into a leach and you'll have to spend college ignoring her. But that's life, my man.

 

Q. Alright, to clarify, I have no trouble getting girls. Every time my friends and I go out, I'm able to pull in a girl without much trouble at all, so that isn't what I'm worried about.

 

What I'm worried about is that, in all of my years, I haven't been able to close. Not a single time. (Yeah, I'm admitting I'm a virgin, I'm not proud of it.)

 

My question is: Am I doing something wrong between pulling the tail and back in my bed? Every single time, I've at least made out with a girl at the party I'm at, and more often than not they're back in my room by night's end. Am I missing a step here?

 

A. Easy fix. When she gets back to your place, have sex with her. That should do it.

 

What the hell are you botching once you get her into your room? Unless you’re a raging liar, I don’t understand this. If you’re bringing that many girls home and not closing, clearly you’re missing a step or doing something to freak these girls out. Are you immediately dropping trou and helicoptering your pen*s? That’s a sick closer – Mortal Kombat-type shit -- but not usually effective with someone you just met.

 

If there was a magical move out there that always works I’m sure someone would have revealed it to you by now. But there’s not. Nine times out of 10 a girl will come in knowing whether or not she is going to sleep with you. And if she isn’t an impatient sl*t, you’ll probably have to take some or all of the initiative. That can be as easy as throwing some compliments at her and as difficult as flat out asking her what’s happening next. Don’t get me wrong, you never want to say, “So is this f*ck happening or what?” But if you’re in your bed together, hooking up to the level that both sets of genitals are in each others’ hands -- be like “should I grab a condom?” It’s never out of line. In fact, you’re a gentleman; you’re opening the door for her.

 

If she says “yes,” BUSINESS TIME. And if she says no, hopefully it’s because she likes her sex authentic and condom free. And that’s really the ideal scenario because when it’s done you can leave a certificate of authenticity on her tits.

 

Q. I’m a girl and I love taking sexy pictures for my boyfriend overseas. My question for you is what are some of your favorite types of sexy pictures to receive from a girl? Do you prefer ass or tits? Props or no props? I’m always looking for new styles and positions for my hubby to enjoy. Any advice would be f*ckin’ awesome.

 

A. I’m an “all of the above” kind of guy. Mix in whatever fetishes you think he’s got. If your man’s into gag balls and anal beads, DO IT UP. Just try to keep it in his wheelhouse, though, or he’ll think your doing some weird shit while he’s gone.

 

Also, I know a lot of guys just like the nekked look, but to me that’s the end game; no going back once your there. So don’t start at the end, send him a progression of like 20 photos. You don’t need to kick it off in a turtleneck, but go from clothed to un-clothed. Throw in some sexy lingerie, floor-to-ceiling f*ck-me pumps, the works. Eventually get fully nekked (keep the heels on) and have a prop hanging out of you. That’s romance.

 

Q. OK ... So there's this girl my Bro likes and wants to get with. Being a good friend, I wingman for him. Doesn't go as well as planned but it’s not a total disaster. I get the idea that this girl that my friend likes has feelings and wants to do things with me. Should I keep wingmaning it for him, or should I say f*ck it and bang the chick and leave my Bro looking for damaged goods?

A. I was sort of put in a similar situation in college. My friend loved this one girl, and she never really wanted him back. Whenever she was at our house she’d make it a point to come to my room, always throwing signs at me. This was a pain since I actually liked her too, but knowing he’d be pissed I waited to do anything.

 

Long story short, she and I hooked up the next semester and then dated for three years. My friend took it well: He didn’t speak to me for the first 6 months. That sucked, but as calamitous as it was for him, it was worth it for me. She was never going to be his, and I didn’t just f*ck her to throw it in his face and never talk to her again. However, if I hated him I certainly would have done that.

 

Consider how much your friend likes this girl. If he’s just looking to sleep with her, I say she’s fair game. Calling “dibs" is for children. But if he is unquestionably into her, don’t just bang her for sport. Regardless of what he says about that, he’ll loath you for it.

 

Q. Who you got: Giants or Pats?

 

Neither offense looked especially spectacular in the Conference Championships but the Giants did play one of the best defenses in the league (San Francisco) and they own the upper-hand defensively. If Joe Flacco could have a field day against the Pats, I don't see why Eli Manning wouldn't be able to -- since he's now elite and shit. Put it this way, the Packers were essentially the Patriots of the NFC -- tremendous passing offense, a non-factor running game, a defense with sizable holes -- and the Giants handled them in their own house. I hope it's close, but I give the edge to the G-Men.