There's been a slight change in the schedule here at BroBible. Going forward Ask a Bro will be posted on Tuesdays unless I fall ill or am fired for eating disco biscuits at my desk again. Send your questions here and while I don't mind answering them please, please, please open your minds to something other than problems with your girlfriends and how to get a fake ID (that one I actually won't answer, because I'm over 21 and I don't run in the illegal identification trade circles).

Q. I’m from the school of thought that girls don’t shit. But my girlfriend left a load in the toilet and I saw it. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?

 

A. Straight up, it's nearly impossible to come back from that. Deep down we all know the truth about females' capability to blow it clean out their asses but seeing it first hand is beyond damning. I once walked into an even worse scenario than you just described.

 

I was dating this girl who wasn’t filthy AT ALL. She was actually as cute as could be. The type you really couldn't imagine a forceful log coming out of. Well, one morning, after she left my apartment, I walked into my bathroom, lifted the toilet lid, and discovered something you can't un-see: before me was the unholiest loaf of shit I've ever caught eyes with, accompanied by a bloody tampon. BLEW MY MIND. Nearly hurled at the sight of it. This adorable girl defiled my throne in the most heinous way possible and left her greasy tamp to boot. Now I’m the most pre-occupied shitter the world may know – I take phone calls, text, Tweet, read, watch adult entertainment, you name it -- and I never (unless intentionally in public) forget to flush.

 

"How?" I asked myself. How could she dump, wipe, fling her used sponge into my toilet, and forget to flush? She even closed the lid so I know for a fact that at some point she had to look back and say, “Oh boy, look at that mess.” Yet, she still left it floating there for me to find.

 

So what should you do? Either throw bleach in your mind’s eye or move on. I chose the latter. I couldn’t forgive her for befouling me like that. Part of me actually believes it was her way of trying to get out of the casual sex arrangement we had going for us. And if it was, then brav-f*cking-o, she went above and beyond the call of duty.

 

Q. Bro, I'm in high school and I’m considering taking up golf. From previous posts I have gathered that you are somewhat of a golf aficionado. Any recommendations for types of clubs I should purchase to start out? Note: I have golfed once before and was actually not terrible.

 

A. You're going to want to buy the most forgiving clubs you possibly can. Beginners should never buy a sleek-looking pair of blades thinking their game will grow into them. (A) It probably won't unless you dedicate years to it, and (B) they're f*cking difficult to hit even when your handicap drops below the teens. And if I’ve learned anything it's that golf is substantially more enjoyable when drunk... and when hitting from the fairway. That said, don't buy something you hate the look of either; you still want to be comfortable with what you’re staring down at when addressing the ball.
 

Brand is all about preference. TaylorMade, Mizuno, and Calloway all have solid iron sets that are forgiving. I’ve hit a few of them and although they are probably at the top in terms of price, at least you’ll know you didn’t buy dogshit. I’m not too familiar with Nike’s clubs, so I can’t really speak to them. And as for Titleist, I’m not sure how their more forgiving clubs perform but I have their cavity backs and when I mishit them lives are at stake.

 

Over time your swing will change -- get faster, better -- so try to find something that you can grow into but that also won’t f*ck you from the outset, like blades would. If I were starting to play right now, I’d probably get Callaway clubs (really liked their Razr irons when I demo’d them last year) or the Mizuno JPX 800, which also have an alternate set, JPX 800HD, that replace your long irons with hybrids… if you’re into being a disgrace to the purity of the game.
 

Q. My roommate was hanging around this girl that has been around a little bit to say the least. So one night me and my Bro were walking home from the bars and my roommate and this girl shows up walking down the street in the opposite direction. (Its 2 a.m. and I had no luck at the bars that night.) She pulls me aside and asks if I want to come back to her place and of course I said, Yes — the whole point of the night was to get laid. So about a week after this girl ditches my roommate, takes me back to her place and I f*ck this girl, she starts dating my roommate. Do I call him out on dating an obvious skank or leave it alone?

 

A. If he knows you recently f*cked this trollop and he’s still willing to date her then there is something fundamentally wrong with him. If he doesn’t know, you’d be a terrific friend if you clued him in on the time your pen*s fell swollen and the only way to deflate it was to shove it inside his girlfriend’s beef hole.

 

This actually transitions beautifully into our next question.

 

Q. What's your opinion on best friends f*cking your ex? If your best friend of multiple years did it with your ex, who he knows you hate, and only had the balls to apologize when he was drunk, would you stay tight with him and just ignore it, or consider it ultimate betrayal and cut off the friendship?

 

A. We always expect our friends to be staunch loyalists, to a fault even. But sometimes their own dicks get in the way. If this sl*t was your girlfriend 10 years ago, you need to move on, but if the relationship was long and it just ended, you have every right to be pissed.

 

The whole "Bros before hos" mantra works both ways. Yeah, she’s just a ho, a mere fleck of shit on the timeline of your life, but at the same time if your friend picked Bros he wouldn’t have f*cked her in the first place.

 

Q. This chick likes me so I decided, whatever, I'll hook-up with her and it turns out she’s shit at hooking up. How do I tell her this/help her to not be bland? I’m friendly with one of her friends, should I just tell her to tell the girl that she’s bad?

 

A. Telling her friend probably won’t do much more than piss off this girl you’re hooking up with and make her extremely self-conscious. She’ll also think you’re confiding in her friend at every turn and she'll be embarrassed to know her sexual shittiness has become public knowledge, which it probably already has among your friends but still, she doesn’t know that. So I’d stay away from bringing this up to any of her friends.

The bottom line is it’s not always easy to get your point across without saying to her face that she’s a step away from being a cadaver. And doing that could pump the brakes on this entire affair. But maybe that’s for the best? After all, some dogs have to be put down, ya know?

 

If you still want to give this a whirl, I find it’s best to try to teach during those drunk moments where your actions and comments are completely without reservation. For me, that’s at least worked when it comes to sex. Slide in some thoughts on what could feel or be better while you're in the act, not before or after. As for terrible kissers -- which are the absolute worst -- there’s not a whole lot you can do to fix them short of being blunt about them sucking something awful at it.

 

Q. So next week my pops is buying me a car (first one) and I'm pretty pumped. Only catch is he is only giving me two grand towards it. I was hoping you can give me some wisdom as to what kind of POS I can get for a measly two grand?

 

A. If you have no way of financing it or paying for it monthly after your dad’s $2K down payment then it sounds to me like your new car is a used motorcycle.

 

Q. Bro. So I've had this one brewing up for quite a while, but never knew exactly how to ask. Last year I was playing D-I lax and living the dream. One weekend we were off practice I brought a chick back and pounded the express all the way to slamville.

 

A few weeks later she and one of her friends came to me with a prego test with two pink strips. I was 18 at the time, I thought life was done, and I was going to sign up for the Army or some shit. Sparing the details here, after three months of her being an absolute c*nt and not gaining a f*cking pound I used my reasoning and figured out it was a fake. Bitch.

 

The question comes in this form: How long is an appropriate time for being pissed off about a b*tch trying to f*ck with a Bro? Now, given I’ve been an a**hole my whole life and probably had it coming, but I still think back and want to do unspeakable atrocities to the well-being of said female. Give me some good news here; I’ve had just about all the bad news I can handle.

 

A. In your particular instance I think the statue of limitations for harboring sheer RAGE could be forever. Don’t hurt her or do anything that would literally ruin your life, but you can hate her guts as long as you want. She did THE SHITTIEST thing a woman can possibly do to a man (save for chopping off his cock or leaving a dump with a c*nt plug kicker in your toilet). Hell, for all I care, even daydream about the inescapable fire that karma will cause her to someday die in. Because karma is for sure going to kill her in the most magnificent way possible. 

 

Frankly, I think having those feelings after the grief she caused you is 100% normal/natural/justified. And if it’s not then we should both head to a psychiatric ward immediately.

 

Q. I have a question of morals here that has been bugging me for a while. So last year my roommate and I both met this cute girl with perhaps the best ass I've seen in a while. My roommate was totally insecure and hadn't gotten with any girls in a while so he begged me to back off, which I did for a couple of months. I even tried talking to her for him but she wasn't interested because he always pussied out of making a move. Then one day I got decently drunk and fell asleep on top of her with my hand down her shirt which she took as me coming on to her. When I woke up we hooked up and he took it badly and tried to get me kicked out of school. That didn’t happen but he was successful of getting me kicked out of my dorm by making up a bunch of things that I didn't do. My question is was I totally out of line or am I right in thinking he overreacted?

 

A. Your ex-friend should’ve been kicked out of the dorm (window) for asking you to pass on p*ssy so he could finally get some. I mean, Jesus Christ, it’s not your fault he blows at being alive. I'm getting kind of tired, so long story short: Dude’s a queer and you’re better off without him.

 

As always, thanks for reading. Submit your Ask a Bro questions here and follow me on twitter.