Editor's Note: This is a new column by Fratrick Chayzee and Gordon Bomchay, masters of the art of Chaying. [inline:kegstand photo op] Similar to the notion that weed is a gateway drug to harder substances, being cool in high school is the gateway to success in future social scenes. A standard high school house party in many respects represents a microcosm of the many different party scenes that arise later in life from college fraternity parties to Ibiza nightclubs. I have compiled a short list of standard party venues, including etiquette and guidelines, to hopefully maximize a Bro's utility of the substances available when in the mood to chay. I would not be presumptuous enough to claim that I am describing the epitome of every single party scene, but if you cannot find any relation between what I am explaining and your own social life then grab your beret, Macbook Pro, and go back and start taking advantage of the free WiFi at Starbucks. House Party: Although occasionally some people have managed to reinvent themselves during college, often the same people who run the show at Mr. and Mrs. Pickford's house when they leave town are the same people running no-huddle shotguns at the fraternity house and being dead-lifted out of the bar before midnight.

The house party was a staple of high school weekends and as such remains my favorite venue to chay. Real champions show Phil their true colors at a house party because each house brings unique features with which to use creativity in a semi-lawless fashion. A college off-campus house may be simply put as an advanced high school house party that provides some differentiating variables including: kegs, quasi-professional dance floors, harder drugs, higher tolerances, looser girls, and no parents. Although high school had no parents obviously, the thrill of getting to sloppy second in a king size bed with raisin tits creates a nostalgia that I cannot easily quench. Shotguns, funnels, dunkaroos, quarters, beirut, bull moose, sack washes, face chugs, beer monsters, flip cup, and the countless other regional games that each town swears they came up with and is totally original, make the house party a giant easel upon which Van Gogh would cut his ear off for a chance to paint. There was nothing better than getting word that someone's parents were out of town for an extended period of time and had left their house in the hands of their easily manipulated son or some retarded broad. I know once that was verified, I headed straight to the hardware store for three feet of inch tubing, a four beer funnel piece, dunkaroo bucket, and if I was feeling frisky, some glow sticks to throw in the bucket for Glow In The Dark Dunkaroos. Those types of parties made my high school experience and to be honest, I lay awake at night wondering if I will be able to replicate those emotions. Day Chay: [inline:day chaying keg] Unfortunately not every day party can have the planning involved to secure massive inflatable obstacle courses and jumping castles, but the key ingredients for a good day chay are naturally the following: dizzy bat, dunkaroo bucket, a Spalding stickball bat, copious amounts of alcohol, a good attitude, and not too many chickenheads. The day party should be almost exclusively Bro. Often the question arises, "Well, wait, shouldn't there be a slip n slide?" Of course there f*cking should be. And be prepared to see a lot of cock hanging out because girls, more so than at any other chaying venue, are not encouraged to participate because of the type of savagery that ensues. Would you want your sister participating in the Running of The Bulls? Take Brewlays for instance. The starter dizzy bats for 10 spins, then runs a 40 yarder into a dunkaroo for 10 seconds, crushes a shotgun, and hustles back to his team for the next Brewsain Bolt in line. Kegs are clutch to have because slosh ball can be played utilizing the Spalding's versatility and craftwork. And do not be foolish and forget to take into consideration two of America's favorite pastimes, Gargoyles and keg stands, for the dugout and seventh inning stretch. If inclement weather comes into play then cross your fingers that the temperature dips below 32 degrees because the day chay does not stop for any natural elements. Also, naps are totally outlawed and leaving to hook up with a chick before the party is over is blasphemous. And remember there is nothing more glorious than the sun glistening off a freshly opened brew before it is rocketed down your throat in a similar fashion to Evan Stone Evan Stone face f*cking Jenna. R.I.P Preakness, you were better than Christmas morning and I feel like Santa himself has been assassinated, you will be missed sorely. [inline:raging tailgate chug] Bars and Nightclubs: There comes a time when we realize that fake ID's and letterman jackets are sadly a thing of the past. Obviously I'm kidding, lettermans are f*cking sweet and I still wear mine when buying beer, cigs, and adult entertainment. But the sobering truth is that bars and nightclubs become the next venue to chay once we have graduated or dropped out of college. Therefore it is crucial that the Bro applies the same invaluable lessons learned from years of funneling Natty Ice's to the bar scene so he is always perceived as a veteran. Perfect example: one's ability to casually check into boot camp at a bar (bathroom stall, sink, floor, etc.) and then getting right back on the front lines is a skill that need be refined, mastered and preserved because after the fifth Jameson shot in a row to celebrate your negative STD results, you cannot tap out and claim "we're not in college anymore." Horseshit. Chaying is a 24/7 endeavor and one that many of our countries greatest patriots help pioneer. And while it sucks to have to spend money at bars, outside of New York City, women still have not earned the right to have their drinks paid for by a Bro. So figure out what your go-to drink is (whiskey, gin, vodka, and scotch top my list), crush an Adderall, and dance like no one is watching because even though a bar is supposed to be a more mature, formal setting, does not mean it should be treated like church on Sundays, unless its Baptist. If anything, it should be the venue where you try and replicate the moves you see on "America's Best Dance Crew" and any Travolta movie from the 70's regardless of what day of the week it is or the crowd in attendance. Heed this advice properly and the neighborhood pub will feel like the basement of your old frat house at 3 am on a Saturday as an "Anything But Clothes" party winds down. Also, kick the dbag that orders 52 B-52's square in the nuts while he's in the middle of trying to impress the ladies and cover your eyes when its time for the bartender to carefully pour Kahlua floaters over 52 shot glasses. Lastly, in regards to nightclubs, exercise caution. While they are a hysterical world filled with greasy Europeans, fog machines, gelled hair Chinese suits waving glow sticks, red carpets, and bottle service, a Bro should not frequent these haunts often but rather, treat them like condoms, popular in the '90s but not for everyday use. But if you feel the need to hit the club like Diddy, post up at your table with the Goose and make it rain because this venue allows the Bro to dance with a chick and bring her home without the embarrassment of looking like a fag.