Let's cut right to the white Ford Bronco chase: Below is a list of our favorite delinquent athletes of all time. Let's kick off this party with a bang shall we?


O.J. Simpson
Also currently known as Inmate #1027820 of the Lovelock Correctional Center in Lovelock, Nevada. O.J. was like the girl who despite knowing she was the love of your life you let get away. Regret consumed you, sleeping was impossible, eating was a chore, and even sex seemed to be a task (O.K., that might be an overstatement). But like all great loves that were meant to be, this one came crawling back. Roughly 15 years ago, the Juice "allegedly" played the role of God by hacking his ex-wife Nicole and her table-serving lover Ron to pieces. Because the jury of his peers was comprised of fucking idiots and yeast infections, he got away with it. Luckily for us, O.J. was always an overachiever, so merely getting away with murder didn't satisfy his criminal palate. In September of 2007, Simpson, like Robin Hood, led his band of merry men into a casino and attempted to steal back sports memorabilia he claimed had been stolen from him. On December 5, 2008, Simpson was sentenced to a total of 33 years in prison, with the possibility of parole in 9 years.

You heard it here first folks -- 9 years from now, Orenthal James Simpson will not only be released from prison but if there is a just God in this universe, he will also have the most unfastened asshole in America. I'm not sure how'd we know that since I don't think the Census Bureau accounts for such a thing, so we'll just have to assume it as fact. And then maybe he'll go back to looking for Nicole and Ron's killer on the golf course.

What I believe he was drinking at the time: 100% pure Florida orange juice. The local grocery didn't have the "pulp free" like O.J. preferred that day. So essentially he can blame it on the Juice, had him feeling loose... and bloodthirsty.  Keep Reading »