Roughly 6 months ago, the economy was tanking, jobs were being snatched from our grasps at record paces, and I had about 20 less women under my distinguished belt. Those, Officer Friday, are just the facts.

Today, even though the market is bouncing back and there seems to be more jobs, there are still people out of work or being laid off everyday. Amazingly, my sexual economy hasn't slowed down and I somehow managed to remain employed even though I can't possibly be any less affable or underachieve anymore at my job. My family is even astonished by my gainful employment.

Each day, throughout this great country, men and women go to their jobs, worrying whether or not their livelihood is going to be stolen from them. Stolen without cause or regard for their well-being -- much like the way I go about romancing a woman, I might add. In my humblest of opinions, I think all this worrying is being done in vain. I have come to realize that no matter the level of effort you choose to convey, dumb luck is probably the only reason you are still employed, or not. After all, if history has taught us anything, it's that everyone, aside from the guy with the thickest shaft in the porn industry, is expendable.

If you have fallen on hard times take a moment and realize that this is not your fault. You are still awesome, and, in my opinion, the blame should fall solely on the CEO or anyone else who makes more money than you. Why is that? I don't have a definitive answer, but I can tell you with a great deal of certainty that it's not the fault of Joan from Accounts Receivables that no one wants to buy the stupid product that the CEO signed off on. Is it? Sure Joan can be off-putting at times and forces coworkers into conversations about how her cat is her soul mate, but Joan is 58 years old, single, and has a face that looks like a peeled orange; give her a fucking break, ya jerk. Blame that bitch for your sleep apnea, but she, much like the countless other who have been let go, certainly isn't the reason that the company's stock price has hit a 30-year low.

So if your boss gave you your walkin' papers (like ugly ass Joan), here are a few nifty ways to get back on your feet or to just enjoy your unemployed days.

(Note: You'll notice that I have left out doing drugs, drinking, and masturbating. You should be doing those if you are employed and even more so if you are not. If your father didn't tell you that when you were a child, then shame on him.)

1. Collect Unemployment
Consider this milking of the governments' tit for the next 13 months early retribution for the Social Security you will never receive in retirement. Remember that you are only eligible to collect if you lose your job due to lay-offs or something similar. So if you try to embezzle money or you posterize your boss's face with your fist, Uncle Sam won't open his blouse and let you suck on those sweet pepperoni-shaped nipples of his.  Keep Reading »

At dinner the other night, my father likened head hunters to used cars salesmen and plumbers. When I asked my old career counselor at my alma mater whether I should sign up with a head hunter, she said, "Why should they buy the milk when you could get the cow for free?" Still, to date, despite my network of friends and connections, head hunters have been the most successful at getting me interviews, which raises the question whether these recruiters (who, remember, don't take any money from you) are necessary and if they are necessary, how can a job searcher maximize the chances of finding a job through one? Below are 10 takeaway tips to maximizing the potential relationship with a recruiter:

1. Make a recruiter D-Day: First, Network, Network, Network on your own! I know it is awkward at first, but talk up random friends of friends at the bar or connect with alumni from your school, or go to charity events and professional conferences. If that does not work, make a deadline for when you will start to use a recruiter.

2. Understand what you're up against: The more senior you are, the more helpful a recruiter will be to your job search. With the professional market -- specifically the young professional market -- saturated, recruiters tend to have more listings for senior professionals. Additionally, the more niche your job skills, the more likely that a recruiter might have a position to help you. All that said, don't be intimidated: give it a shot.

3. Research before you select a recruiter: Word of mouth is very important. Verify that recruiters have real openings and not merely stale ones that were filled months ago. Bonus points if the recruiter has exclusive arrangements with certain companies.  Keep Reading »

This is the fifth story in an ongoing series on how to land a job in big-time industries. So far, we've tackled finance, professional sports, real estate, and the music industry.

As an editor of magazines, newspapers, and now BroBible.com, I've read through literally thousands of resumes over the years for every job on the ladder (intern on up). I've also written my fair share of resumes and helped edit those of my friends' and family members'. While my experience has been mostly for the journalism world, resumes are pretty standard across the board, and I've got some good advice to share. So here's a step-by-step guide to writing an ass-kicking resume that looks great. Always remember, when an employer looks through a pile of resumes, he or she is going to give yours about a 20-second pass over. Look, appearance, and proper formatting really do matter. A warning, it's really, really long. But don't be daunted. Your resume should only be one page long, and surely you've done enough in your life (so far) to fill that page. You'll be surprised how easy it is.

1. Set your margins. Most Word documents are automatically set at 1.25 inches on the left and right, and 1 inch on the top and bottom. That's great for when you're trying to stretch out a term paper to 10 pages, but on a resume, you're wasting valuable real estate, especially if you have a lot to fit on just one page. At the very least, set your margins to 1 inch all around, but it's definitely okay to go smaller. The absolute minimum, however, is 0.5 inches on any side. And just make sure that your left and right margins match, as do your top and bottom.

2. Pick a clean, elegant font. Don't go crazy with wild fonts or colors. They're loud and obnoxious, and will turn people off. No one was ever denied a job for using Times New Roman. Some of Word's newest fonts, Cambria and Calibri, are nice as well. Helvetica, though classic, is a little plain. If you want to choose a sans serif font (that means it doesn't have little marks at the edges of each letter), pick something a little cooler like Calibri, Gill Sans or a light (not bold) Futura. Also, keep your text single spaced throughout, but it's good to have white space (empty lines) in between different jobs or categories. Font size can go as low as 9, but 10 to 12 is best.

2. Shout your name. The first words on your resume should be your name, in big, bold letters. Keep your font size between 18 and 24. You can left, center, or right justify your name, just make sure the next line (see #3) are right below.  Keep Reading »

This is the fourth story in an ongoing series on how to land a job in big-time industries. So far, we've tackled finance, professional sports, and real estate. Up next: the music industry.

The music industry up until a few years ago was one of the most glamorous places to work. You got to hang in the studio with famous artists, travel to exotic places, get front-row tickets to live concerts... it was a non-stop party. But then Napster came along and people realized that free music sounds better than paying for music. And then iTunes came shortly thereafter, 'moral' music listeners realized most albums only have a few good songs, so why not just buy the ones you like for 99 cents each as opposed to $15 per album. Music has been in a downward spiral for the last few years, and yet popularity of music around the world has never been higher. No matter how crazy things get, people will always want to listen to music.

The music industry in 2009 is drastically different than how things were earlier in the decade. Artists no longer routinely sell a million albums the opening week (save for Lil' Wayne, who accomplished the feat last year) and now rely on ancillary revenue from ringtones, digital downloads, and touring to make money. However, it is still a great industry to be involved in because of the non-stop action and excitement. Here are a few tips from a former record exec on how to break into the music business:

1. Study the Pioneers of Music: Barry Gordy, Ahmet Ertegun, Clive Davis, and others who have transcended music. Find out what led to their success and how they have lasted so long in the industry.

2. Narrow Down Your Taste In Music: When you interview at any of the record labels, you will inevitably be asked what your favorite type of music is. Don't say the generic "I like all kinds of music." Say what your favorite genres are and some of the artists in that particular genre.

3. Know the Music of that Label: Make sure you research whatever label you are hoping to work at thoroughly. Know their artists, their big songs, how many records they have sold, etc.  Keep Reading »

This is the third story in an ongoing series on how to land a job in big-time industries. Last week we tackled finance and professional sports. Today, real estate.

You see the web ads, infomercials, and billboards everywhere -- some dreadful looking cretin with spiked hair and no GED flaunting, "I made $3 million in just 6 months with ZERO money down! You can too!"

These ads, combined with Donald Trump's campaign to make his name symbolic for all that is ballerrrrrrrr (it isn't, resources have cited he's worth a little over $200 million), lead millions of Americans to believe that real estate is a game that takes little effort and yields huge returns. Most schemers then buy the book/CD/DVD, realize they don't understand what "escrow" and "egress" mean, and go back to digging holes for a living.

But for those of you smart enough to realize you won't be able to ice out your wrist and neck by just reading a book, I've laid out some realistic paths for entering the commercial real estate business and how to take that first step.

First and foremost, check your short-term monetary aspirations at the door. Unless you're stepping into a family-run business or a shit pile of luck, you aren't going to make any money right out of college. Sure, "I'm in commercial real estate" sounds more lucrative than "I'm in marketing" at a cocktail party, but if you're new to the business, you're making less than you're buddy in marketing. Don't expect to be rich in year 1, 2, 3 or 4.

Second, you need to understand the different career opportunities in commercial real estate: development, investing, brokerage and law.  Keep Reading »

As part of our ongoing mission to get you all a sweet jobby job, we're working on the ultimate BroBible guides to writing a killer resume and cover letter. Those will come tomorrow and Monday, but in the meantime, we thought we'd jump the gun a bit and let you know about FedEx Office's new resume deal. They'll print 25 black and white copies of your resume for free, and as far as we can tell, without any strings attached. That's a damn good deal. But what to put on that resume? We'll get to that tomorrow. (By the way, FedEx Office is the new name for FedEx Kinko's, which was the new name for Kinko's before their big merger.)

[Via Springwise. Photo via GiveMeMyRemote.com]

Yesterday we offered up our advice on how to nail an interview at a big-time finance company. The next industry on our radar is the ultimate Bro fantasy job: sports. You can't be Theo Epstein from Day 1, but the most talented guys in the big leagues rise through the ranks quickly, and a great interview is the quickest way to jump into the game.

Dress the Part: Suit, Tie, Black Shoes, the whole nine yards.

Get To Know Your Interviewer: Ask about their career path and how they got to be in sports in the first place. Show genuine interest without ass-kissing too much.

Ask For Your Interviewer's Opinion on a Topic: Throw up a thoughtful, but relatively easy question for the interviewer to expand on. (i.e. Have you ever been in a situation where the talent of a player wasn't worth the attitude he brings to the locker room?)  Keep Reading »

We know the job market sucks and there is barely anything out there. But we still want to make sure that when you find an opportunity, you make the most of it. This week we're offering up some BroBible crash courses in the first step in landing a job in your dream industry: the interview. We'll tackle real estate, sports, law, and more, but up first is finance. We asked five first-year analysts who work at top investment banks in New York City to offer their advice on interview etiquette and how to lock down your dream job in finance. Take their advice, they've been through it and crushed it out of the park.

Slow Down Your Swagger: No one wants to give a job to a 21 year old who already thinks he's a Big Swinging Dick and walks in wearing a blue shirt with a white collar and a Ferragamo tie. Dress well but not over the top. Go with a navy or gray suit and leave the light brown Italian loafers at home -- black lace-ups are a good choice. White shirt. Light blue tie (no Michael Irvin ties with a 3 inch wide knot). It's not a style contest, blend in: the interview is not about your appearance unless you screw something up.

Be Informed: Show up the morning of the interview having read the newspaper for that day and be well versed in what is going on in the world of finance. Also, know latest stock price of whatever company you are interviewing for.  Keep Reading »